'Tis a shame the post had to be pulled

Any eagle-eyed Hack Attack readers might have noticed a disappearing post over the weekend. The flabbaticals are well touchy about a certain policy, much shouted about at election time, and now apparently top secret.

So top secret in fact, that they decided not to bother telling the Exec about it, and presented a decision to them at the meeting of Union trustees. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

It is hard to stay on meesage when you're not told what the message is, and as a result, the whole thing is leaking out of every Union orifice imaginable. Ask an Exec member if you really want to know...

In a job, out of a job

Sounds like we're gonna have ourselves a hot n' steamy Comms. race next term.

Bush-hugging, communist beaver diver, Mikhiel Trees is lining himself up, running on a ticket of socialist propaganda. Also, ex-Fuhrer Fart-hil ill baker is attracted by the £26k again (the only people that will employ him now is SU reception) and is looking at a couple of sabb options. He'll probably be just as incompetent, tho at least he might listen to his students...

But wait a minute, SHOCK SHOCK HORROR!!!!!!!, what's that?! A codes of praccy amend to only allow sabbers in the job for ONE TERM? Surely not; it's too unfair on the economy to let those 4 lose into the job market during these rocky times...

That could really fuck up their party.

Hatin' Bacon

So, all you dedicated Hack Attack followers, how many of you is Bacon not talking to at the moment? How many of you are getting yourself in a tizz because he might not have said hello to you in the Quad once? How many of you are convinced that his thinking that we don't need referendums is a personal attack on you? And how many of you answering yes are on the exec?

Having seen a few emails and heard a few conversations, the level of anti-Bacon solidarity on the exec is certainly impressive (stay on message guys...), but there seems a fine line between this and victimisation and bullying. I'm sure the honourable parties involved will stay on the right side of it, and that we can forget this whole petty, spiteful business after Thursday.

SOAS feminists are better than their LSE equalvents...

...at least at creating anti-beauty pageant chants anyway.

At this year's Miss LSE - the wonderful, charity fund-raising event, where ladies who know how to have a bit of fun let their hair down and entertain a welcoming crowd - the anti-beauty contingent had these among their chants:

"Women are sex objects, object!"

"LSE not Misogamy!"

Come on guys and girls, a group of lazy, weed-smoking, hole-in-trouser wearing, poor excuses for students could do better than that. And indeed, SOAS did:

"SOAS is for education,
not for you're ejaculation!"

Quite who was thinking about ejaculating over SOAS, I don't know. But it is a rather good chant.

"Welcom to Imperial - the student experience"

Apparently Imperial's student experience is the same as a Channel 4 'Schools' TV programme from the 90s...

Innocent, until proven innocent

Big up yourself Prakhar B! Respect for sortin' all the HA Massiv with a bangin' welcome message to ya Inns ov Court website!!!

Tip: Next time you try and make it look like a hacker got deep inside your data stream and set up loving notes to all our viewers and then plead naivety and innocence, do it properly, yea?

Safe.

We should all read the Constitution more

Here's a little snippet of the Constitution...

"12. Amendments

[Constiution amendments cut]

12.2 To the Codes of Practice

12.2.1 Any amendment to Codes of Practice shall be given at least three weeks public notice in term time and shall require the assent of at least two-thirds majority of the members present and voting at a quorate General Meeting of the Union
." (emphasis added)

So, it would seem the AU wag who called quoracy yesterday was indeed drawing our naive eyes towards the light, and showing us the error of our procedure.

It clearly means that all this Exec stropping that has been going on because people insist on calling for inquoracy counts is misdirected. The Codes of Practice change to allow referenda cannot pass if they're aren't 150 people in the UGM. Best get to work shepherding people in then boys.

On another point, Aled might not been quite so wrong in saying that we could debate the motion in the 4th week, given that it only needs 'at least three weeks public notice'. But then the Codes of Practice say those motions need 4... Who knows, and who really cares?

A question...

When is an inquorate meeting not inquorate?

When they decide afterwards that it was suspended because of paper throwing before the inquracy call, thereby saving all that had gone before in yesterday's UGM.

Nimble footed constitutional hops from Kev there, but, you know, there might be a problem with that not actually being what happened? What we need is some sort of recording of this public meeting, rather than having to rely on the minutes taken. I would never go so far as to suggest that the current powers are conniving enough to undertake Stalinist rewritings of history, but the current powers are conniving enough to undertake Stalinist rewritings of history, and I wouldn't really trust the minutes.

Any media man happen to get it on record? Care to share?

Babes, was it something we said?

"So. You came to our website after reading Hack Attack. No use lying to me, your computer just betrayed to me the websites you've been to recently. If you seriously read and believe every piece of shit that's posted there, you need to have your head examined. Now why don't you just nip back and join the rest of the SU assholes?"

"Oh, and if you happen to be the total cocksucker who thought it'd be cool to whinge to the SU about 'technicalities', please accept our sincere FUCK YOU, and keep your dirty nose out of where it doesn't belong. Rest assured, we will deal with you"

At least we're not at King's...

So yeah, Aled might swear on Pulse, but at least we don't have to sack him for being a gosh darned awful racist...

Potty pouty mouth

What could have riled the Führer so much that he was reduced to effing and blinding on the State of the Union show on Pulse today?

Was he still bitter over his failure at the UGM yesterday, even after he had thrown a little strop, and (dubiously) claimed to be able to count to four?

Was he tired of having to step in to break up the handbags between Beancounter and Blackberry Moussavi, each accusing the other of shouting in the UGM (the horror)?

Or was it being told on air that his power is nothing without a bunch of pissheads at the Real Ale society?

National Union of Shit-sticks

Last week six happy hacks went to Wolverhampton to NUselesS Conference for a day-long constitutional wankfest. At the Union's expense (natch), they traveled to the glamorous Midlands. And for what? Three of them voted in favour, the other three against. So, they might as well have
stayed at home (or at work, in some cases!). The most mysterious bit of the day was Faddy-Barking-Mader's arm, which seemed to have a mind of its own: voting for proposals he has been opposed to for many moons!

Vom-tastic!

Which Sabb threw up in his office earlier today? Apparently he read Kevin's letter (below) and couldn't hold back. Still, makes a change from the kind of bodily fluid that has graced that particular office in previous years...

Oslo Accords: Take II

Where the Bill Clinton failed, one man is attempting the impossible: to bring love and unity to the Middle East, to spread peace where there was war and to fulfil his dream of little Palestinian children playing side by side with little Israeli children. That man, ladies and gentlemen, is
Joseph Brown (or 'Seth', if you're an poorly briefed London Student journalist). Never mind that little wearing-Keffiahs-and-being-on-the-PalSoc-Committee business, Seph Stalin is The Chosen One.

Indeed, Seph's Israeli 'outreach' doesn't stop at arranging joint events, or "setting up the [Houghton] Street" single-handedly. Oh, no no no no no! He's also been spending an incredible amount of time with Israel Society, supping on the Zionists' wine and 'palling around' with the committee. So, just why is our famed Anti-Racism Officer spending so much of his social time with the NME? Could it be a genuine desire to spread his reconciliation, or is there another reason? Whatever the case, Seph 'Shit' Brown seems to get on with them better than his own
PalSoc committee...

Miss LS-Peeved

If you want to know how to wind-up Emmanuel "cum-into-my-office-I've-got-plenty-of-condoms" Anki-Panky, then ask the female bar-worker (who Hack Attack loves for the true person she really is, and not at all because of her exterior appearence) who worked at AfterSkool on Saturday.

Whilst she was chatting up one of his friends from da east-end massiv, they paused for a moment on the topic of the upcoming Miss LSE (Hack Attack does not endorse this disgusting, misogynistic event that sees beauty as only skin deep). The conversation unearthed that Anki-Panky has not been having much of what's in his name lately, and the bar person joked that perhaps Miss LSE was the perfect opportunity for Head-Welfare to get some. Maybe he's been being such a leaflet fascist (ripping them from the Tuns, Quad, behind the bars and posters to boot) that he doth profess to much at his disdain for the sexy, gorgeous parade?

When Crew Member 1 tells his bru of of this jest, Em rushes to the bar worker and unleashes a hell-like rage upon her, threatens to plague her eyelashes with hair-eating locusts and boasts that seeing as he is her boss she should watch what comes our of her filthy, heathen mouth, or else...

The poor lass won't leave the house now, and instead spends her days watching Sex in the City, painting her nails and applying an unhealthy amount of fake tan. Where's the Welfare in that?

Overheard after the UGM...

Word reaches us that the inimitable dulcet tones of Ali 'Barack ain't got nothing on me' Moussavi were heard eminating from the Pulse studio and ringing out down the Media Group corridor yesterday proclaiming...

'Aled's a mate, but he is a power hungry piece of shit isn't he?'

And then something less audible about calling members of some pointless committee into his office for a good disciplining. Dear, oh dear Styling Mousse. If you felt it necessary to bitch about him to a room full of boring radio nerds he can't be much that of a mate can he? Maybe keep the volume down next time, eh?

Go on boy, roll over...

Howie Dizzle didn't exactly woo the UGM yesterday, after refusing to even believe that there was any problem between police and students at the NAB opening, refusing to give any ground over the nursery, refusing to accept any responsibility for the credit crunch what he caused, refusing to believe the afternoon started after noon each day, and (a little bizzarely) taking time to have a quick jog about the place. He came across as a senile, pointy-eared, whinging, stroppy scrotum, and found his charm didn't wash with students quite as easily as it had in the past. People are getting frustrated with him, and rightly so.

So, you might question why Gashley Tang, re-elected Court of Governors representative, chose that moment to stand up, introduce himself to his baffled public, and declare he had absolutely no politcs whatsoever. Good work. Just when we need some loud voices about the place to remind the decision makers in the school that the Nursery has more than enough value to justify a £6000 per place (Papa Davies' figure yesterday), we manage to re-elect someone who proudly declares himself to have no opinions.

He has of course been re-elected. His performance at Court last year has been described as 'mute' and 'fucking useless'. So that's all good then isn't it.

So here's to Gashley Tang's second term on Court, may he be the loudest blank-face mute sitting around that table this year.

(Pseudonymed @ 21:23, 11/11/08)

'I'll stab up up yea blud...'

Odd-Bod Dan Smeldon was mugged at knife point last night, whilst wandering around lost looking for a Halloween party that would let him in.

Apparently, two hooded black yoots started walking towards him, at which point Smelly-dong ran away like a tubby, little girl screaming 'Help!' at the top of his voice. Obviously, no one came to help, so when the yoots eventually caught him up (which didn't take long as he's hardly Linford Christie) they kicked him in the leg and gave him a little cut above the eye with a butter knife. He refused to give them his iPhone, but said that they could take his female housemate, next to him at the time. The yoots declined.

When he did get to the party, everyone thought he had the best costume there. 'The blood looked really realistic,' they thought.

Go ye to the sacred land

Odd-bod Sheldon is off to the Holy Land on an all expenses free trip to see for himself how wonderful the world is for all the sweet Palestinians living under Israeli occupation.

As part of his tour package, he is being given a guided tour of the West Bank and will be meeting fully free, and nourished non-Jewish school children who (he shall be told) have access to insignificant things like human rights, national self-determination and an education.

If only Sheik Zayed was about...he'd help them out.

Raining fire, four horsemen, wailing and gnashing of teeth, and illicit emails

So MT elections are never quite the shouty carnival fun-fest of the Lent term, mainly because nobody really cares that much...

But it still won't stop people resorting to dirty, low-down underhand evil-doing and SENDING OUT MORE THAN 20 EMAILS!!! The baby Jesus wept at less than that! Brand and Ross can have their jobs back, because a friend of one of the Court of Governors candidates sent 120 emails asking people to vote for his man! If this isn't one of the signs of the apocalypse, then I'm giving up my subscription to The Watchtower.

Anyway, Andrew "Apprently he's really nice" Wright has been taken off the street for two hours, with Ol' Grumpy Bear Ossie telling him that he'll have to stay by his side for the time. Don't go easy on him - send him to the naughty step!

The Detect-o-philes

It's not New Yoik, and there are no gangstars clutching Tommy guns...

And yet there's a sleuth out there, looking to put behind bars ever last mother-fucka that dares mess with Miss. Constitution or Don Rationalitie.

His name, Detective Smokey. His mission, to secretly record C&S meetings in the vein hope that something remotely exciting might happen.

In last week's episode, the Detective taped the Don Fishio with his trusty dictaphone, telling a Cup-Full-of-Incompetance to step down, or else.

'Or else what, chump?'

'Or else I'll make all of your C&S gangster buddies tell you to too.'

'O yeah? Or else what, big shot?'

'Or else every last mother-fucka is gonna get 'no confidenced' at the UGM this week'

'Yikes!'

Stay tuned, for this week's episode of...the UGM...

Dum, dum dum dum, der-der dum-dum...

(That's the baseline to 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' if you didn't get it...)

But apparently beef will be hitting the fan at the UGM tomorrow, with no-confidences a go-go directed towards Chair-Of-UGM-And-Nameless-Election-Candidate, and C&S...

The Terribly Reasonable One apparently dabbles about in online smuggery on a self-important Hack Attack rip-off, along with two chums who also happen to be election candidates. And somebody is out to out them, which is nice. The boring constitutional question is whether they breach electoral rules yaddah yaddah. The more interesting bit is watching Monsieur Chair be, look guys, terribly, guys, reasonable about the whole thing, guys.

And why pick on poor C&S? Whispers are that poor Beaker has had an ultimatum from GenSec telling him to stand down, or face another vote of no confidence at the UGM. We asked hishonorable self for a quote, but he batted us away with a stern brace of high pitched squawks.

Well that should all be fun...

Naughty, naughty muppet...

Beaker Saumtally-ho is a right heavy-weight.

Not content with being the single most incompetent human being to ever reign over C&S (and that is reeeeealy saying something) he's decided to muscle in on the elections and make a few people stand down.

The funny thing is, is that as he stupidly pressurised one wonderful candidate into stepping down using his own telephone to do it!

The conversation between the candidate on his phone and the Returning Officer went something like this:

'Hi Ossie, I'd like to step down please.'

'Isn't this Nadeem's number?!'

'No...'

'Well, it is, because it says so on my phone.'

'Well, whatever you think Ossie, Nadeem is definitely, definitely not standing right next to me telling me that I have to stand down otherwise my life is going to be hell for the next couple of years.'

'I definitely believe you. Fine.'

And that is the tale of how nincompoop Nadeem 'Beaker' Saumtally bossed people into standing down from democratically elected electable elections.

Muppet.

Bacon pulls out early

Because the Pope told him to? Unlikely.

But whatever, he's withdrawn from the Court of Governors election.

Open to any explanations...

Dan Sheldon can't ride a bike!

Everyone else could when they were 5...

Apart from the late Daniel Dolan, ex-Pulse Radio Fuhrer, who, after a weeks worth of lessons, still looked like a couple of fat kids on a see-saw.

Seriously.

Elections

I love the smell of desperate self-promotion in the morning. The Michaelmas Term elections are always good for spotting a few names of next term's GenSec candidates. For example, Helen "Didn't Lose Residences Even Though She Did" Roberts is running for Residences Officer, Court of Governors and Academic Board - either she's genuinely dedicated to improving the student experience in all aspects of life at School; or, she's realised that she might need to bolster her HackCV if she's running for a sabb position this year, as 'Repeatedly resigned from C&S' doesn't really cut the mustard...

Other repeat nominations, which you can RON away to your heart's content are Prakhar Bahuguna (???) and K-Hole "No I'm not Alan from Conferences, or that racist guy from King's" . They clearly think both a dossy jobs which will take up little time but give them a shiny title on their CV. RON RON RON.

And looking down the list of candidates who've put themselves forward for positions this term, a few names stand out. Like don't those Sheldon and Akpan-Inwang chaps do something around these parts? Don't we pay them for something or other? Ah yes, that's right, we pay them to go up to the Annual LabourStudent Piss Up and Wank Fest that is NUS conference, where they can have their tummies tickled by some New Labour wonk, and so decide that top-up fees won't be such a bad thing after all.

And do they really need to sit on the Court of Governors? GenSec already goes along to that to represent the Union, other students sit on it to represent those that aren't held sway by ego-hacks. Either EA-I and DS feel that Aled won't do a good enough job, and they need to check up on him, or, as previously posted, they're coming down with a nasty bout of Baconitits. (was going to edit this typo, but I like the thought of Bacony-tits)

And one last thing, why wasn't Barber Beancounter included in the fun?

Baconitis II

*BEWARE*

Odd-bod Smeldon and E-to-the-A-to-the-I-Wop-Kizzle are infected with baconitis!!!

The only way to cure it is to vote RON.

For a full definition, see below.

Baconitis

Have you got your vaccination?!

It's spreading throughout the Union. That's right, it's an epidemic of Baconitis!

This disease will make you want to run for any and every elected position you can in the SU, and if you don't get elected to great societies like LARA, you compulsively meddle in every other bit of bureaucracy and begin shitting out constitutions like rubber bullets. But the worst symptom of all is that you feel compelled to sit in on every C&S meeting because you think you're in love with Nadeem's voice and leadership skillz.

If you see anyone acting this way you can be sure they are infected, so probs best not to touch them.

United Nincompoops

Marco, everyone's favourite Brazilian schmoozer who will stop at nothing to one day rule the world. If you don't know who he is you'll be able to tell because he's probably got his networking chops clamped firmly to some poor girl's face. As the President of the United Nincompoops at LSESU, he thought at the AGM it would be a good idea to endorse one of the candidates for Treasurer in his speech. Obviously, this voided the election.

If this is an insight into the future muppets who want to be in positions of power in our world, I despair...

Flabbalicious

In an official Pulse Radio interview, Aled has stated that Dan is his favourite Sabb because "he's doing stuff at the moment". We can presume that Dan will stop "doing stuff" in the fairly near future. His least favourite is Emmanuel, simply because he weighs 176 kilos more than any of the others. Fattist.

Incidentally, Dan and Aled are the same weight, even though Dan is about 4 foot the shorter. This goes against the normal rules of physics, but was made possible because Sheldo scrapped the old rules and wrote a new set of protocols and a codes of practice to allow a normally unsafe, dense build-up of materials in his abdomen.

They don't call him Odd-Bod for nothing...

Porky's Pies

Someone's got to have their pants on fire.

Our great leader, Cardinal Carp, says The School has agreed to give us a juicy, shiny, big new Union building.

LSE Massive's Andy F says they haven't. Either they aren't to build because they want students to stay living in the East grot-hole, or they're going to be a little short of cash due to the meltdown that Director Davies helped to happen.

Someone's telling porkies...

Hallet on the dole

Will anyone employ The Baron? Now his dodgy SU employment is over he'll either have to get a job in the employment minefield created by the 'Great Crunch' or go on the dole.

Unless the powers that be choose to employ him permanently to haunt out Union?

No one else should bother to apply - you won't get the job unless you know the 'bosses' anyway...

We're in the London Student this week

So check it out y'all.

The reporter thinks we're shit now. Well maybe they're shit, and just trying to cover it up by saying other, equally credible, news reporters - like us - are shit.

What a shit.

Direct quote from Hack Attack II...

'Nadeem was quickly fingered...'


If anyone knows who did this, please let us know.

Each to his own, I suppose...

The Holy Land

Some 'white boy from Essex' wants to become Sheik of PalSoc.


May Allah be on your side Sir. You may well need some irrational faith to aid you in your quest.

Gonna miss me?

Some of you are probably already thinking about buying your farewell gifts, writing sweet notes and baking bye-bye brownies to say thank you to this year's Awesome Foursome for the wonderful achievements that they will possibly make this year.

Hold on a moment...

Sounds like they are all going to stay on for another year.

Bugger.

LSESU grad. scheme

Have you left university recently and found yourself unemployed because you forgot that in the real world you need a job?

Never fear, the LSESU is here to help!

Baron Andrew Hallibut XXIV is on a two week placement learning how to teach master's students how to fill in an Oyster student discount form. Reports say he has never been seen happier talking to the working classes.

And if you couldn't get a job elsewhere this year but are still in education, the SU has that covered too!

The chumps hired Fart-hil and BeerCan in a rather shady, streamlined recruitment selection process.

Send all applications to The Head Fisherman. No need to wait for vacancies; an over-paid position will be created for you.

Hiya!

To those who missed not being able to function for the spine-shivering anticipation that these notes bought you, this Hack-a-soppy-pup missed you too. Not out of affection, but for the warm, daily glow your errors bought to scores about campus.

To those who are new about town, stick about. It's gonna be super fun!

And to those cheap, copy-cat bastards who thought they'd take it upon themselves to build 'Hack Attack 2' in this Hack-a-siesta's absence: Jesus has a message for you downstairs. Hack Attack doubts very much that your weblog will be "more subtle and more well-written" based upon your so far feeble attempts of using a keyboard. Good luck in "presenting humourous satirical without descending into childish name calling." This Hack-a-buildo is not in the business of having his 'mistakes' pointed out by a quality of tongue so low.



Learn how to write, yea?

Guess who's back?

SU101 - Introduction to modern hackery

The first lesson of Hack School is: do not live with other hacks. Unfortunately, three silly undergraduates skipped this lecture and have decided to shack up together next year.

Ms Buckley, Mr Brown and Ms Cooke: expect some poor reports on LSEforYou.

'Whack that in your cool box!'

And so, no sooner were the elections over, the jostling for position for next's Sabbs ensues...

The Bacon-Brown Pact that warmed the cockles of this Hack-a-ha-ha may have been extended to a Brown-Merrie-Cookie-Bacon Pact. Despite the fact that this potential union sounds like a flavour of Ben 'n' Jerry's, the group could work fantabulously well. Or it could be really, really shit.

The the wannabes might do well to postpone any such jostling. You never know what able candidate PakSoc might push forward.

It's a long, burning road ahead.

Where did he go wrong?

Was it when he decided to do a bit of light reading in the library?

Was it when he decided to sit near the victim?

Was it when he nipped onto said victim's PC to alter their vote?

Was it when he mis-spelt the word 'cahnge' on the vote alteration email in a suspiciously frenzied fashion?

Was it when he deleted the new vote from the 'Sent' box?

Was it when it escaped him that said victim knew that he was one of the only people on the planet who knew what their previous vote was?

(Well, thanking the victim sarcastically for their vote pretty much gave the game away...)

Was it that he was one of the only people to know that said victim was eligible to vote in the RAG elections?

Was it when he gave ridiculous, yet measured responses to accusations of foul play by said victim?

Or was it when Lezzie Moaner blew his alibi?

Ben Philips Philips Ben Ben Philips...the Hack Attack's limited conscience despairs.

An apology

Over the past few weeks, readers of Hack Attack may have been under the impression that Ben Phillips was a careerist, cheating, Tory with a penchant for very poor campaign slogans. We now realise this was all completely untrue, and apologise for any damage we have caused to Mr Phillips' reputation. By way of compensation, Hack Attack has agreed to make a donation to Mr Phillips' favourite charity, the John Howard Beneveloent Fund for Out-of-Work Politicians.

HA

We're back

The mukier details of the previous post's temporary closure shall be revealed in good time.

It's a shame it was censored - the scribbling doubled our hits!

GAG him senseless

Isn't charity meant to be filled with kind hearted, generous, and just plain nice souls?

Apparently, the desire to be at the top of the RAG tree has produced behaviour normally witnessed in underhanded, role-stuffing Tory MP-wannabes.

The race for GAG President president has been marred by sly and dastardly (though admittedly original) behaviour from our favourite ex-British prisoner migrant Ben Philips Philips Ben Ben Philips (did he mention his name was Ben Philips?). The proxy system was sabotaged by Philips, not by use of shrimp, BBQ or cork hats, but by jumping on to unsuspecting students Outlook whilst they nipped off to the bog - to do whatever it is people do there - and sending in proxy votes for himself in their name. Hack Attack has no idea how many people he mugged off in this manner, but a good estimate might maybe be 57, or possibly even 142.

The disgraced Oz-bag has also reported cheated in a number of other ways. Perhaps by locking groups of 20 or so in S08 and forcing them at tong-point to vote for him, whilst hypnotising them with ancient Aboriginal calls? Or by simply annoying people (thought to be his preferred tactic).

Ben 'mental trousers' Jones was also running for the position, but didn't commit any political crime, just those againsto fashion in general.

Normally when people cheat in elections the guilty are disqualified. But because the RAG lot are so charitable, they've offered to give Philips a second shot.

Charity should not extend to the dogs that bit the hand...

How many members of C&S does it take to count less than 150 people?

All of them.

C&S' first test arrose yeasterday...and they royally ballsed it up. If only Baron Hallibut XXIV was there.

The UGM had been on the cards for weeks, and yet no-one had thought to do those silly, little 'organising' and 'preparing' things. Fah-far-away-somewhere-dil just thought he'd go ahead and start the meeting without a chair, or vice chair. Technically, he raped the Constitution; Ketters is pressing charges. Loud mouth Lu-lu instigated the verification count. After attempts to pull innocent members of the LSE public off the street, the meeting eventually died, as everyone there with an ounce of sense realised that it was embaressing and generally crap. This hack-a-boardo went home to dust his 1:20 scale airfix re-incactment of Stalingrad. Now that is a productive use of time; no one like dust.

That's 45 minutes you'll never get back.

Hallett for homos

Andy "H" Hallett, clearly unsatisfied with the female species, has turned his mind to Grecian matters during this Olypmic season.

Check out Andy's new Gaydar profile if you're interested. Apparently he likes art, good food and.. er... guys cuming on his face.

Best. PEB. Ever.

Party Election Broadcasts are always a highlight of the vote-grabbing season. Who can forget Kinnock: The Movie, Natural Law's yoga hopping or the Clinton 3AM call?

But now the "UKIP Plus" English Democrats, fronted by part time superhero Matt O'Connor, has taken the PEBiscuit with a classic broadcast for the mayoralty. Comedy cock-er-nees, heartwarming music and emotive imagery - it has it all! Highlight is 2:50 in... I won't spoilt it!



Extraordinarily, the party seems to think this is a sensible comparison....



And this a good, not-xenophobic-at-all idea for a billboard poster!



P.S. Normal LSE-centric coverage returns soon... unless any more of our hacks decide to stand for the London Assembly.

I think I fancy you...Boris!

This hack-a-gibber-mouth wonders how much the Johnson campaign had to do with this..?

Do some revision

.. but before you do, have a gander at this cringeworthy Green Party video featuring a certain Mr. Dildo-is-Fishy:



Note how it is filmed at Dalston Market - not really the usual market of choice for the Green Party voters of North London (unless they are doing a spot of poverty tourism, of course!). This Hack reckons Aled should pop down to Stoke Newington for some organic venison... he's looking a bit pale on this video. If Sian "doing it for the fit" Berry fancies a bit of meat, I'm sure the Feather Hustler would oblige...

The return of the Wall

Lost a Gen Sec race? Bored with revision? No whiskey nights to berate vacuous shits? Why not audition to be a Daily Mail columnist by voicing your reactionary opinions on a blog?

Click here to read Steve 'Lend us a fiver' Wall in all his unadulterated, no-holes-barred, cab driver glory. Feast on his opinions about immigrants, Muslim head dress, Labour, The Guardian, political correctness and 'diversity'!

A welcome addition to the blogosphere, I'm sure you'll agree...

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Whilst obviously very busy running the LSE, Howie "Barrell legend" D took some time out to attend a rather exclusive dinner date last week. The occasion? The State Banquet at Windsor Castle in honour of Nicolas "I've had more gash than Nick Clegg" Sarkozy. Sitting next to him is Jack Straw, and he is just 2 places away from The Frog and 1 away from the Horse.

Howard Davies: more connected than a BT exchange.

Hat tip to The Baron Hallett.

Full video:

Spectrum anal-yzer

Credit to Imperial's Live! website.

Who's the sexiest candidate?

With a distinct lack of LSESU Hack News, oogling over the pond may provide Hack Attack viewers with the kind of high-brow, in-depth political hokey-pokery they may have been missing.

Whether you want Billery or Obamatron to win, the question you should really be asking yourself is:

Who is the sexiest?

Fortunately, some nutters on YouTube have already helped us out by pitching their favourite to us in music video form. The Obama one was even one of the nominees for the recent YouTube Awards in the Political category. Enjoy...

Boris

Do we really want a man who confuses rugby and football to be the next Mayor of London?



I guess rugby's all they play at Eton.

Pillock.

Another dick in the Wall

Despite being denied the General Secretaryship, everyone's favourite Irishman Steve 'Show us your tits' Wall has been named as the Chair of UCL Council (and also - seemingly - has been knighted).

Well done, Steve!

Bareback Mountain

It's the end of term, and James BeerCan has decided to let his hair down.

However, only one of the following pictures is fabricated. Can you guess which one?

5 Across (8 letters): Dabbling with something new.

Shout outs

Big hello to Andy 'Colin' Farrell, the Press Office and everyone else in the LSE bureaucracy who reads Hack Attack.

Love you lots!

xxx

Wet Beaver

Shock result for the Beaver editorship: Joseph "Useful Idiot" Cottager won the day over Aled's Green buddy Mike 'Charley Says' STDeas. Meeting was packed with Beaver hacks and Deas-friendly lefties and went on for what seemed like an eternity. Maybe a taste of Sunday nights to come for those lucky few who made it onto the Ed Board.

Rumour has it that Camp Dilwyn is disappointed with the result. De-ass is unlikely to disappear next year: seems like a special position near the top of the Beaver tree will be created especially for him. Awww... those Beaver people are really nice!

What does this outcome bode for Beaver-Sabb relations? We shall see.

Hare's Pished-off

Westminster Council may well close down our little Hare-man's soup kitchin - which aids the many students who have drunk their loan by week 3 - because another 'food retailer' has protested that the sweet, little veggies are eating their profits.

Hare Krishna is asking for help from all us students to try and continue their do-gooding. If you're interested, go get the phone number with your free curry tomorrow.

They can take him to courta dn they can whine, they could even burn down his cute orange trailer as a Mafia-style warning, but the only way this dispute is going to get settled is with a good old fashioned food fight.

Sadly, Darling Maria will finish off this hypothetical brawl when she rams a BLT & sausage ciabatta down our friend's gullet.

And this Hack-Hare used to like her. Bitch.

The high price of democracy

Candidate's budget: £50

Sabb paper allowance: £30

VoteSU08.com domain name: £5

Compensation to the LSE for damage to the count rooms: £13,000

Drawing of James Sausage's inadequate penis on the white boards: priceless.

STOP PRESS
Unconfirmed rumours suggest that next year's count night will be held in King's College's English Department.

Over-eager

According to Facebook, the newest member of F&S, Sanjiv "Full colour posters" Nanwani, has amassed a huge number friends in his short time on Houghton St. Here is a quick comparison:

Sanjiv Nanwani: 373 friends at LSE in 5 months.
Jimmy Tam: 1,031 friends at LSE in 4 years.

Hack Attack projections indicate that networking crazy Sanj will have 3,580.8 LSE 'friends' when he finishes his year as Treasurer in '10/'11. This sets a new level in hackular ambition. Oh joy.

In other news...

If you thought our Union was fucked, spare a thought for these poor bastards.

At UCL, their GenSec has just been suspended following a controversial AGM in which the now infamous 'Demilitarised zone of Gower St' motion passed [i.e. stop cadet forces from recruiting on campus]. Seems the meeting was dodgier than Fadhil and Jonathon Aitken setting up a timeshare company.

Now the right wingers are rejoycing and attempting to overturn the decision - UCL itself has launched an inquiry. Lefties around London are expressing their 'solidarity' with their beleaguered comrade. Jokes.

Essex University Union (yes, it is a proper university) has had its fair share of troubles, too. The incumbent Labour careerist President Doughty was re-elected in the face of opposition from the Trot-coalition 'Viva Essex' (LOL). Turns out the RESPECT lot did quite well: taking every Sabb post apart from President. That was until someone smelt a rat. Someone voted 180 times on the online voting thingy, and the Union called in the Feds (aka NUS's election observers).

Following a re-count, and without the benefit of the hanging chads, Stinkin' Rich Doughty is leaving Essex to wallow in its own pointless leftist grandstanding. His only legacy is this gruesome corporate video:



Finally, whilst we have elected a welsh Dildo, York Union has elected a Pirate as their President. Seriously. He has pledged to dress and talk as a pirate for the whole year. Hack Attack strongly endorses this candidate, and is currently drafting a motion to mandate all of next year's Sabbs follow suit. Yaaaaar!

Unattrributed quote

Which member of the new exec exclaimed "My fingers smell like I've been fingering" following a seafood dish at the first executive committee dinner?

Wasn't the only case of 'Too Much Information' that night.

Spotted!

Steve "Lend us a fiver" Wall causing havoc at the Law Ball. The Unchosen One was getting physical, ripping buttons off the shirts of the Dolanator and starting fights with laid back jazz enthusiasts.

Tings have got to change!

Soulja Boy's Shame

Muslims might not drink, but BeerCan does, at least he would, if he wasn't a child.

At Dildo Fishbate's masterbation fest BeerCan was ID'd by the comedy waiters not once but twice.

On discovering his babybum face was actually owned by a 20 year old, they apologised, "it's just, you look like a teenager."

His inability to obtain alcohol makes the following video even more mysterious. Enjoy.

See you at the soshieties' awards!

Or maybe you won't, because Captain Morgan couldn't be fucked to tell anyone.

This Fat Hack is looking forward to devouring the £300 worth of grub up for grabs. The pricy bill is apparently justified because 'Muslims don't drink'.

What!? Maybe they get high on prawns covered in breadcrumbs instead?

A fishy affair

Bogus BeerCan feels muscular and defiant.


He holds his head up high - smug and proud that his authoritah is allowing his decision to go against the following people:

• All the current sabbs
• All the current exec
• All the sabb-elects
• All the new exec
• All human beings that have brains - fully or partially functioning

Essentially, the dealio is that Whiny-Moany Roberts and 'Em..-fuck-the-rules' Fishy are going to battle it out in the gladiator arena that is the Old Theatre for their crown as Residences Officer in a rare Summer Term UGM.

This Hack-a-Caesar knows that he's got his way not because he threw a strop, cried for a day, and humiliatingly wet himself, but because he has been secretly having steamy antics with the Constitution. Their erotic relationship has warped BeerCan's mind, as love tends to do. Simultaneously, Ketters, after hearing the news of the Constitution and BeerCan, has gone to Oxford to try and cop off with theirs.

He's got a good chance; it's a bit of a slag.

Sabbs-elect weigh in on Fischer-Roberts War

The self-proclaimed Dream Team just couldn't wait to get started, so have emailed the whole exec suggesting that a cross-campus ballot re-run be held on the contested Residences race. Talk about an abuse (of lack of) power!

To say Jimmy "GenSec of the Year Never" BeerCan and Andrew AlsoRan Halibut are displeased is an understatement. They are determined to maintain their iron grip on the constitutional affairs of the Union. Looks like they are being overruled by the exec who are, erm, actually trustees of the fucking SU.

Boo hoo.

Heard on Pulse Radio today...

"Electing Joseph Brown as Anti-Racism Officer is like letting Gary Glitter run a nursery."

The lighter side of Ziyaad Looney

Whilst we are on a YouTube binge, we may as well watch this LSE classic from last year.

Hack Attack reproduces the following video without comment.

Fadhil is a slimey GenSec

Fact.



Looks a bit too much like an al-Zarqawi style beheading video for this Hack's liking. Shame Ben Phillips didn't get gunked, too.

Video courtesy of the LSE Observer.

Juxaposition of the century

Last night, the great and good of our Union filed into the Quad for an evening of mutual masturation over how good and progressive we all are. Sam 'London Citizens is my life' Causton shook off that last remain bit of Public School guilt by preaching the gospel of Living Wage one last time. We even had a few cleaners speak to us about how thankful they were to all the committed activists who changed their lives. It made this Hack feel warm and fuzzy inside.

All was going well until someone asked "Can you tell us what difference the Living Wage has made to your life?" (answer: not much, really).

Even better was the question: "What can we, as students, do to make your lives, as cleaners, easier?". The poor lady recalled a particularly messy collection of rooms she and her colleagues struggled to tackle last week. Apparently some students had left the 3rd floor of the Old Building in quite a state, with broken windows, litter and naughty graffiti everywhere. Sound familiar? Cue ashened faces from the guilty Hacks in the audience.

Elsewhere in the East Building, the Celtic Clique were having a Whiskey 'tasting' session, interspersed with a poor 2nd year trying to conduct a quiz/information session over the loud 'banter' of the audience.

The meeting was like an inverse image of the Social Justus wank-session below. Political incorrectness galore: Steve "Quasi-Human" Wall was giving it large, Doug "Gordon Brown" Oliver was doling out the booze and Crazy Welshname + the remnants of Team Daisy were soaking it up.

"Dream Team! DREAM TEAM! What an UNFORTUNATE term!" was Steve WTF Wall's opening gambit when Billy Barbershop walked in with his leftie possie. He was already busy berating Odd Bod for being a vacuous shit, telling him to get his ridiculous hair cut. Wil duly volunteered to do the honours.

The night ended, as it always does, with a Tuns throw out. Wall could be heard repeating his mantra of "300 votes... not bad for an anti-disabled Irish postgrad bigot!".

Indeed, Steve. Buy the man a whiskey. But I'll tell you who the Tuns isn't serving... Steve Wall.

Accountability of Accounting Society

The Chinese Mafia were yesterday demolished by the Karachi Public School Set in one of the dodgiest society AGMs ever witnessed in the SU (Ruskies and FinSoc aside).

The current committee (aka PRC) were overwhelmed by the incoming Pakistani army (aka PPP), who sent this to their followers:

Hello Everyone. In order to vote, you guys have to be member of accounting society. in order to do that, just send an email to Su.Soc.Accounting@lse.ac.uk

Its completely Free

We need your support.

Thank you

The sheer force of this nuanced and tactical manoeuvre was simply too much for the PRC. They lost most positions, despite deciding that current committee members were entitled to two votes each. That might be how Chinese democracy works, but things are different here, chaps!

Not that it made much of a difference to the PPP. They were too busy fighting amongst themselves to care about the legitimacy of the vote, or the number of non-society members who were voting.

This birdy hears that complaints are being filed.

Poor Shayaan

At this time of year, please spare a thought for the less fortunate amongst us. After missing out on that Treasurer position, poor Shayaan has now been reduced to wearing a ridiculous mouse outfit during Mayoral debates. My heart bleeds... actually, no it doesn't! He's leaving us to become a corporate lawyer.

No show from Dick Whittington

Or Brian "hot boyfriend" Paddick. But we had our sham of a Mayoral debate anyway.

Sian "doing it for the fit" Berry took time out of her busy schedule of not driving 4x4s to brown nose our own Green Saviour, Dildo Fascist-Fisher. Vomit inducing.

In the Trot corner, Lindsey Germinates looked about as outdated as her policies. RESPECT my arse.

Highlight, though, was Ed Laizhy's fightback to his perceived "establishment stitch-up", putting down ridiculous outbursts from Konstitutional Ketts [who has now become a parody of himself] and protesting about Aled "the Green Party stooge". Very incisive considering he ventured into our Union for a matter of minutes!

The only person who came out of it with any respectability was LSE's own Tony Travers. Question: "who here likes bendy buses?".
Audience: "WE DO... FREE BUS!".

State of The Union

Special two hour edition of State of The Union is broadcasting on Pulse Radio until 12 midday.

Host Andy 'Spectre' Hallett is gossiping with Alex Tittybum and Dan Sheldonstein, and possibly the Dolanator and Wetz Himself later.

www.pulse.dj or http://158.143.63.2:8011/hq1

Trouble on Malet St

Things can only get worse...

Our Union looks positively rosey in comparison!

Still feeling the effects...

... of a count night 2 years ago.
3rd floor toilets, Old Building, 4AM.

Sausage Watch

So far, on Sausage Watch:

• James wins Returning Officer unopposed. He uses this mandate to cast his judgement on everything the SU does... did he miss the part of his job description that mentions elections?!
• Despite not being on the Exec, Bluetooth Sausage insists on coming to every meeting to give his tuppence worth. Oh dear.
  
• James Sausage wins the prized position of Pulse Admin (unopposed)... is there no stopping this belligerent bureaucrat?!
  
• Sausage heightens his fame by imposing his iron fist and silky tongue on the masses during election night.
  

Next stage:

• Sausage runs for C&S, willy waving his superior constitutional knowledge and further enhancing his jobsworthy civil servant image.
• After a year of combining the serious SU stuff with 'the lighter side of James Sausage' Pulse play, Jimmy Eat Girl declares: but which Sabb post is he going for?
• Failing to win GenSec, James realises that you need to be either:
• a) popular
• b) a born leader
  
• c) charismatic
  

:(

MEGA HOT Soshiety Goss!!!

Well, not really that exciting - certainly not as exciting as the invention of some sort of industrial strength white-head destroying cream.

Captain Morgan is furiously trying to sift through all of the rot and find sochieties worthy of a gold star, pat on the back and slap on the ass.

Leaked info suggests that the Knitting Society - essentially a bunch of ladies gassing about girl topics like kittens and Disney, whilst knitting, drinking tea and making lots of crummies - is up for a prize.

MEGA HOT GOSS!!!

Intra-exec relations

Lezzing it up. Love it.

I fucking love meetings

Especially ones that last for two hours. At 8AM. Such was the way for those exec members who wanted to give their 2p on who should receive life membership to the SU. Outcome: to continue the discussion on Thursday!

Also today was the C&S decision on the Emtirely Fishy v Helen 'Christine Hamilton' Roberts battle. Or rather, indecision. Whilst they have annulled the vote, there is yet to be a decision on what should happen next: re-open nominations, re-campaign or re-vote.

Just what we need: even more meetings!

Aftermath of count night

Here's some choice exerpts from the cleaner's report. We are bad, bad people.

• Sexually explicit graffiti on the white board.
• Window open with muddy footprints left on windowsill.
• Footprints noticed all over the dome above student service
• Connecting door to A318 vision panel broken.
• Toilet Mirror broken.
• Student found sleeping in a toilet cubicle.

Thank fuck they're getting a Living Wage...

Wil Barber Resignation Clock

It is now 107 hours, 50 minutes since The Monobrowed One won his place on the top table of the SU. Question is, when will he be resigning?

Rest assured Hack Attack wil be monitoring this situation carefully.

No, Daisy, no!

Icky crumbs

ISoc's 'Build-a-well' campaign is going really well. They're raising loads of cash by selling cakes and other fancies.

Problem is, that a comment by one of Buildiers (who reportedly looks just like Bob) revealed that the sweet, little cakes are actually out-of-date!!!!

Shock! Horror!

Look out for an epidemic of the well known eye-eating cake worm nibbling on a gut near you.

ULU VP jumps sinking ship

Now we know how much LSE students love ULU (bare jokes!), but given that we stuff their pockets with so many thousands each year, you may be interested in this weekend's drama.

Ashley McQuitter has pre-empted UL's reduction of the number of Sabbs by resigning immediately, citing irreconcilable differences with the 'leftie nutjob' Prez Jenny. He follows a long line of ULU Sabbs to quit the job. Perhaps it is because of shit they get from the University, the dire financial state of the Union, or maybe the high concentration of extremely poor quality student politicians who dare venture to Malet Street?

Here is the leaked email in all its gruesome glory.

After taking a period of time to consider my position at ULU, I have decided that with immediate effect I have no other choice than to resign from the office of Vice-President of the University of London Union.

The reason for my resignation is due to the complete break down of communication and the subsequent conflict between myself and the ULU President, Jennifer Huseman. I have had very little productive contact with the President since the ULU Senate in January at which I tried to air my concerns regarding her performance, commitment and attendance at ULU. Sadly, this had no affect on the situation with the President; it only served to increase the President's hatred and aggression towards me.

I feel forced into this position by the hostile attitude and behaviour directed towards myself from the President and can no longer continue to work at ULU under such circumstances. The stress and pressure which this has put upon my health, life and general well-being is unacceptable and I cannot continue in this way for the next 5 months.

It is with a sad and heavy heart that I am forced to take this decision; there was so much more that I was looking forward to accomplish in my time remaining at ULU. I would like to thank my fellow Vice-President's Joe Martin and Deigo Carmona for their continued support during this hard time and wish them the best of luck for the remaining time at ULU.

Ashley McAlister
1st March 2008

Moan elections?

Helen 'whining-is-my-past-time' Roberts has whacked in an official complaint to the overlords of the Union (C&S) over the teeny-tight victory of Less-Em-Pressive,-more-Fishy.

Her grounds to whine more than usual are fair: The Empress sent out mass grey area mails , abused her huge power as a Facebook group admin. to get her members to vote and was taken off the street for a while for doing something rather dodgy.

With 3 votes in it, we may see a repeat of the Krebbers vs. Ye Pointy One (you couldn't make Treasurer this year) palaver, where the close 1st vote sent the voters to a new ballot.

Or the ballot may yet stand. We wait to see how Baron Andrew Hallibut XIV deals with this.

Printing & screaming

Frustrations at the LEDC IT services standards at this uni are getting a bit much. Most of the election candidates picked up on it, but why don't the current Sabbs use the calls as a time to salvage their legacies? Afterall, one of them is dubbed Super-Ru.

The printer on the 1st floor of the library has been broken since 13th Feb. They could have bought and installed a new, working printer in that time...

Go on, fly! (Though don't tell Fish-fiddler's lame joke whilst you're at it)

The power of patronage

Incase you hadn't noticed already, LSESU is a strange place. As is traditional, the post-election period is filled with backslapping, commiserating and award giving. But in our bizarro-world Union, we have no such thing as a Laurels Committee to decide, fairly, who should be given honorary life membership of our Union. No, no, no, no! It is our all powerful executive committee who decides who is worthy of such an accolade, such is the feudal nature our SU.

This ultimately means that most our peerages get given to members of the committee themselves. What a coincidence! The big question is which exec members will be deemed unworthy of such honour? And which failed Sabb candidates will get a certificate? Will Steve 'Joey Deacon' Wall walk away with anything more than a bruised ego?

You they decide!

Love is in the air...

Election time provides us with ample quantities of the three major food groups of life: banter, lash and minge. Hacks are sex deprived creatures, but I suspect the ballots have something of an aphrodisiacal effect on them. Election night is notorious for its hookups, and this one was no exception...

• Which Essex boy cast his ballot in the mouth of a rising AU star? Will she be Returning for some more?
• This Hack thought all feminists were lezzers. Clearly not, as one nubile exec-member-to-be was rather taken with a lanky Media Groupee with bladder problems. Will she hustle his feathers?
  
• Which member of Team Odd Bod was the object of a Sabb-elect's affections? One wonders if he will have any condoms left to give to students by October...
  
• Which drunken couple slipped into a neighbouring room to do some dirty deeds during the evening?
  

Any more tips offs appreciated.

Now the silence is broken

The Hack Attack has some juicy goss that was zipped-up from your eyes and ears:

Would you believe it that our King Cretin, Fadhil Baker-Maker, almost ran against Odd-Bod Sheldon for Comms Officer. So great is his dislike of the newly elected one, that our King thought he'd be able to rid him of our Union for all eternity.

In reality, after a pretty meaker and pathetic year in office, it was somewhat naive of the chump to believe anyone would vote for him. Our very own Village Idiot stood more of a chance.

And, alas, now Odd-bod is here to stay.

You can't have it both ways.

Another new dawn, and hazy morn

This Hack-a-waster suspects that it is not the only baby to be feeling flakey today.

The SU activist posse demonstrated a new level of abloteration last night, so 'pro-crazy' that it almost brought an end to the steller TV coverage of the event. The Hack Attack thrived in the festivities: the tension, the drama, the teers, the abuse, the aggro, the celebration and, by the wee smalls, the booze induced dis-orientation.

Pleased, are us, with the results. On one hand, it's going to make sitrring up SU shit a whole lot easier next year. On the other, the prospect of a 'better Union for us all'; there's a degree of calibre in the elected candidatums.

A tight slap on the back to Welsh Fish-fiddler, The Hair Hacker, Our Saviour and Odd-bod for winning their places as our prize chumps next year. The Hack Attack is pleased with the results, and those of the less important cretins, and is already planning how best to make their lives excruciating agaony - in the loveliest, lovey way possible.

An bad luck to the losers, who probably didn't deserve to win anyway. That's why you lost. If any of the less fortunate candidates would like to drop us a comment telling us how they feel, that would be appreciated; the Hack Attack knows not how it feels to lose.

Special hugs to Jimmy 'Pale-lips' C for putting his ass on the line for the Hack Attack, and Baron Andrew Hallibut XIV for his close-up writing skillz.

The Hack Attack Awards

After two weeks of politiking, bitching, backroom deals and ballot rigging, we have finally reached the nadir of our SU's so-called 'democracy'. The votes are in, the results have been verified by our independent adjudicator and I can now proudly announce the following...

The Look-a-Like Award

1. Beaker from the Muppets (Nadeem Samuntulley)
2. Tin Tin (Dan Dolan)
3. John Lennon from the Tuns (Andy Hallett)

Worst Slogan Award

1. Your Mate in '08 (Ben Phillips)
2. Getting 'Tings' Done/Get out & Vote (Steve Wall)
   

Arthur Krebbers Memorial Award for Most Shameless Act

1. Aled's Apples (Aled Fisher)
2. Low cut tops (Daisy O'Brien)

Best/Worst Pun

1. 'A Cut Above the Rest'/'Beyond the Fringe' (Wil Barber)
2. EMpRESive (Emma Fischer)
3. Abz Hussein: His campaign.
   

Worst Designed Campaign Material

1. Abz Hussein's six-pack
2. Shayaan's baseball caps
   
3. Andy Hallet's t-shirts and posters
4. Doug Oliver's cheesy grin
5. Justus' standard Green Party posters

Jimmy Tam Memorial Award for Cutest Moment

1. Gaby Disandolo's puppy
2. Doug Oliver's "I love this Union"
   

Shadiest Deal Award

1. The 'Sausage-Brown Pact'
2. Farid's threat to stand against Aled
   

The What The Fuck Award

1. Steve Wall
2. Abz Hussein
   

Laziest Candidate Award

1. Hinesh
2. Vlad
3. Hallett
4. Emmanuel
   

Fittest Campaign Team

1. Gaby Disandolo's
2. Daisy O'Brien's
   
3. Dan Sheldon's
4. Steve Wall
   

Joel Kenrick Memorial Speech Of The Year Award

1. Hallett's "A spectre is haunting our Union"
2. Sheldon's plea to ISoc
   

Comment of the Year Award

1. Hallett's "Wet Beaver on a Friday evening"
2. Re: Doug Oliver on the limbo: "How low can he go?"
   

James Ketteringham Memorial Killjoy of the Year Award

1. James Sausage (no contest)
   

Best Hack Attack Alias

1. Aled's numerous nicknames including Fascist-Dildo-Fatah
   
2. Baron Andrew Hallibut XIV
3. Steve "WTF"/"Disabled people should die"/"I'd disown my own son if he had Downs" Wall
   

Best Campaign Moment

1. Steve Wall YouTube Video (Ben Jones/Steve Wall)
2. Rosebery Hustings
3. Abz's "doing it for the fit" comment & many apologies.

Sausage Ban

James 'I-hate-everyone-purely because-I-love-authoritah' BeerCan has just told everyone who is 'drinking alcohol' to leave the election room.

This includes 76% of the counters and 126% of all of the supporters in the room.

It is literally like fucking mayhem in here.

It's like Tiananmen Square in here again.

BeerCan is a tank; nous sommes les resistances.

UPDATE: Sausage has just withheld the GenSec results until the room is tidy. Graffiti on the wall of the drunk room commenting on Sausage's manhood might be true.

French hats

In honor of Media Group leg-end Lucie 'Uh-ha-hi-hu-hi-hu-sec' Goulet, here is a selection of French hats:

Alcohol

You know what's freakin' great. It's in the title.

The Hack Attack has just received official government info that alcohol actually improves your television broadcasting capabilities by around 143% - that's 12% more than Ketamin.

The empirical evidence is strong: Erica Gornal-Beast has put in her greatest performance yet as a Loose/Pulse TV anchor. Her and Co-Host Mark Sexual-Harrisment have both been slowly, slowly pouring Sambooooka down their jugulars on air for the last 2 hours, and the quality of broadcasting has made CBeebies look like a Scunthorpe panto.

There have been a number of pissed-out-of-their-skull guests this evening e.g. Steve 'WTF?!' Wall, but there have been an equal number of possible contributors who have been refused air-time e.g. 'I think I'm so fucking great' Berry & Vik-shaz.

Let the booze flow,
and da flava go.

Stat.

More results

Int'l

RON 115
Sen 662
Phillips 572

Mature

RON
Vlad 413
Luke 432

Ed Welfare

HE FUCKING PISSED ALL OVER RON

P.S. These results are inaccurate due to Bacon's crappy announcements.

Old hacks

Spotted so far:

• G2G Networkers Krispy Krebbers and Alex "Zippy from Rainbow" George
• Jefferson Marshall Courtney III (but then, when is he ever absent from the LSE?)
• Alexandra Vincenti, braceless and graceless.
• Chris Heathcock and his hutley mutley sidekick Upsher.
• Tammy Ham, fresh from the set of 'How to Look Good Naked'.
• Eerie Beciri - fucking scary. But still got a higher turnout than Bacon.
• Dave 'Lone Ranger' Cole, grandaddy of the Union. Thank fuck - how else would Jimmy BeerCan know how to run the elections?

Jimmy and the Women's Officer candidates

Newsflash

The unopposed candidates won.

First result

Soshcities.

RON 96
Nadeem 378
Zoe 684

Abzolutely ridiculous

Poor Abz. After being fucked over by ISoc, Ziyaad and pretty much everyone else, Abz gave up on his campaign and threw his weight behind Sheldon. Rumours abound that this has now destroyed Odd-bod's chances.