Guess who's back...

Have no fear, for the sovereign is here. I've just got back from a refreshing twelve month holiday in Scunthorpe, the only town in North Lincolnshire that can't make it through a swear filter. Had a great time, apart from the three lads I had to share the Caravan with. Welsh one was the worst!

I see that things have changed quite a bit since last year. The Pally Stain - Is Real conflict has come to an amicable conclusion, Jimmy 'Bacon' is now a serious political force and we have a whole host of excellent election candidates with well thought out and innovative policy agendas, ready to serve students. Aaaah, the winds of change have blown, just as GAGGED promised! Or perhaps that's just the effects of GAGGED eating too many of Smeldon's beans.

Is it just me, or have we reached new Lows this year? The barrel, which we have been scraping for the past few years, has now been licked out more times than a Miss LSE candidate. Hacks who, in years gone by, would have struggled to hitch a ride on the C&S ragcart are now flying Business Class all the way to Sabbsville. The barrel is now little more than a pile of wood, which would be set on fire if any LSE students could be arsed enough. Come back Faddy-Hill, all is forgiven!

Amongst the most dregworthy of this year's candidates is Benedict 'I'm a weirdo' Sarhangian, a candidate in the GAGGED 'Shit' GAGGED Memorial Officer race. A quick glance at his Facebook profile highlights his stunning intellect ('Benedict is a cunt, and cant stop copying efe, and totally in love with tom birtwhistle, who is actually a massive cunt.'), a canny knack for campaign slogans ('Yeah man, racism is whack, vote for me') and a deep commitment to the SU's equal ops policy ('About me: ask your girl'). What a charming fellow. I think he's pitching himself somewhere between a Terminator Version of GAGGED and Dizzie Rascal. Sadly he doesn't quite pull it off and ends up acting weirder than Luke SpyroTheDragon on an acid trip. Next!

Ben 'Nora' Jones said a naughty word in his speech, which caused a bit of a stir, and not just in all the girl's knickers! Truth be told, he was a little drunk during the 2PM hustings. What a lad! This Hack is definitely voting for him now for this alone. Sadly, he also spent a good 24 hours wearing mascara around School so he could explain to everyone who asked how he'd just got back from modelling at London Fashion Week. What a guy!

PARAGRAPH GAGGED

That's it for now. Complaints to su.returningofficer@lse.ac.uk please.