Saturday 28 February 2009
Friday 27 February 2009
Guess who's back...
Have no fear, for the sovereign is here. I've just got back from a refreshing twelve month holiday in Scunthorpe, the only town in North Lincolnshire that can't make it through a swear filter. Had a great time, apart from the three lads I had to share the Caravan with. Welsh one was the worst!
I see that things have changed quite a bit since last year. The Pally Stain - Is Real conflict has come to an amicable conclusion, Jimmy 'Bacon' is now a serious political force and we have a whole host of excellent election candidates with well thought out and innovative policy agendas, ready to serve students. Aaaah, the winds of change have blown, just as GAGGED promised! Or perhaps that's just the effects of GAGGED eating too many of Smeldon's beans.
Is it just me, or have we reached new Lows this year? The barrel, which we have been scraping for the past few years, has now been licked out more times than a Miss LSE candidate. Hacks who, in years gone by, would have struggled to hitch a ride on the C&S ragcart are now flying Business Class all the way to Sabbsville. The barrel is now little more than a pile of wood, which would be set on fire if any LSE students could be arsed enough. Come back Faddy-Hill, all is forgiven!
Amongst the most dregworthy of this year's candidates is Benedict 'I'm a weirdo' Sarhangian, a candidate in the GAGGED 'Shit' GAGGED Memorial Officer race. A quick glance at his Facebook profile highlights his stunning intellect ('Benedict is a cunt, and cant stop copying efe, and totally in love with tom birtwhistle, who is actually a massive cunt.'), a canny knack for campaign slogans ('Yeah man, racism is whack, vote for me') and a deep commitment to the SU's equal ops policy ('About me: ask your girl'). What a charming fellow. I think he's pitching himself somewhere between a Terminator Version of GAGGED and Dizzie Rascal. Sadly he doesn't quite pull it off and ends up acting weirder than Luke SpyroTheDragon on an acid trip. Next!
Ben 'Nora' Jones said a naughty word in his speech, which caused a bit of a stir, and not just in all the girl's knickers! Truth be told, he was a little drunk during the 2PM hustings. What a lad! This Hack is definitely voting for him now for this alone. Sadly, he also spent a good 24 hours wearing mascara around School so he could explain to everyone who asked how he'd just got back from modelling at London Fashion Week. What a guy!
PARAGRAPH GAGGED
That's it for now. Complaints to su.returningofficer@lse.ac.uk please.
I see that things have changed quite a bit since last year. The Pally Stain - Is Real conflict has come to an amicable conclusion, Jimmy 'Bacon' is now a serious political force and we have a whole host of excellent election candidates with well thought out and innovative policy agendas, ready to serve students. Aaaah, the winds of change have blown, just as GAGGED promised! Or perhaps that's just the effects of GAGGED eating too many of Smeldon's beans.
Is it just me, or have we reached new Lows this year? The barrel, which we have been scraping for the past few years, has now been licked out more times than a Miss LSE candidate. Hacks who, in years gone by, would have struggled to hitch a ride on the C&S ragcart are now flying Business Class all the way to Sabbsville. The barrel is now little more than a pile of wood, which would be set on fire if any LSE students could be arsed enough. Come back Faddy-Hill, all is forgiven!
Amongst the most dregworthy of this year's candidates is Benedict 'I'm a weirdo' Sarhangian, a candidate in the GAGGED 'Shit' GAGGED Memorial Officer race. A quick glance at his Facebook profile highlights his stunning intellect ('Benedict is a cunt, and cant stop copying efe, and totally in love with tom birtwhistle, who is actually a massive cunt.'), a canny knack for campaign slogans ('Yeah man, racism is whack, vote for me') and a deep commitment to the SU's equal ops policy ('About me: ask your girl'). What a charming fellow. I think he's pitching himself somewhere between a Terminator Version of GAGGED and Dizzie Rascal. Sadly he doesn't quite pull it off and ends up acting weirder than Luke SpyroTheDragon on an acid trip. Next!
Ben 'Nora' Jones said a naughty word in his speech, which caused a bit of a stir, and not just in all the girl's knickers! Truth be told, he was a little drunk during the 2PM hustings. What a lad! This Hack is definitely voting for him now for this alone. Sadly, he also spent a good 24 hours wearing mascara around School so he could explain to everyone who asked how he'd just got back from modelling at London Fashion Week. What a guy!
That's it for now. Complaints to su.returningofficer@lse.ac.uk please.
Bacon. Smoked.
Like a catholic who doesn't want to get his good lady wife pregnant, Bacon has pulled out of the Treasurer race early.
Claims so far are that 'the Union's going to shit anyway, and there's not much we can do', he wants to get away from LSE, whoever wins will just be coming in to keep expensive seats warm, and he would have not taken the job if Fishy Dildo had won GenSec. Miaow.
He leaves the race for Treasurer a straight personality-off between Wetz-himself and Sephillis, and gone are the joys of agonising over 2nd preference votes. Boo.
(Facebook group members update: Sephillis 64; Wetz-himself 94. Surely only a matter of time before MORI start using this)
Claims so far are that 'the Union's going to shit anyway, and there's not much we can do', he wants to get away from LSE, whoever wins will just be coming in to keep expensive seats warm, and he would have not taken the job if Fishy Dildo had won GenSec. Miaow.
He leaves the race for Treasurer a straight personality-off between Wetz-himself and Sephillis, and gone are the joys of agonising over 2nd preference votes. Boo.
(Facebook group members update: Sephillis 64; Wetz-himself 94. Surely only a matter of time before MORI start using this)
Fistings
Yesterday saw that time of year when all the future flabbaticals get on their knees in the Old Theatre and fellate the hacks and meeeeeeeeedja whores to the tune of 'love me, love me, I care' snore.
Yes my friends I'm talking about Fistings.
Gen Sex
Fishy started stuff off. nothing new there: blah blah fix the union blah blah why does my hair look like a lego mans?
Piss Gully apparently plays football. Knows nothing about the union or being Fuhrer.
Fart-on-me used his stellar mass debating skills to send everyone in the audience to sleep. After rimming Aled for a year no one knows why he's standing apart from that the job attracts douchebags.
Verdict: the Gay-you will come out in force but Fishy will clinch one more year. Mass debater will become disgraced military and end up in an asylum cursing the name Piss Gully.
Penny Pincher
Sephilis looks like a trumped up wank stain. Palestine, Politics, Penis he cried. Oh wait, he just said we need to spend some money. No shit Sherlock.
Wetshimself has 57 policies but the AU aint one. I guess Do-my-cunt was one beaver he didn't spend a long night in.
Not quite Kevin Sausage used it as an opportunity to say 'My name is James and I cannot stand up to MassDebater. Oh yeah and Fishy is a dick'
Verdict: Sheldog Jnr. will jizz all over them
Tissue Dispenser
Fuckley said she's fit and Eh-Man is shit. Tittie Tweaker would appreciate more tits please.
Eh-Man stuttered, he floundered, he had planted questions. Over managed campaign me thinks.
Melons shouldn't have fired Hallett from the Campaign team as she sadly did not have her baps out.
Verdict: too close to call, they're all a bit crap.
Great indoctrinator
Daniel 'Del-Boy' Jason. Three words. Who are ya?
Shorty got Low upset the hacks with the prospect that someone from the dark side could penetrate their inner circle but is essentially shit.
Sleazy Peas might as well have read out the communist manifesto. It would have been Kenrick-Lite if he'd bothered to mention the job.
Verdict: The Balcony bulldogs will chew Sleazy up and crown their new king.
maybe he was the one who plays football. if anyone knows the difference between Piss and Shorty answers on a postcard.
Part time arse kissers
not worth mentioning. Apart from Tom Jones doing something never seen before on the hacky stages. he told he truth.
Predictions: another fit bi girl for lgbt then rag victories all round for Wrong and Jones.
Yes my friends I'm talking about Fistings.
Gen Sex
Fishy started stuff off. nothing new there: blah blah fix the union blah blah why does my hair look like a lego mans?
Piss Gully apparently plays football. Knows nothing about the union or being Fuhrer.
Fart-on-me used his stellar mass debating skills to send everyone in the audience to sleep. After rimming Aled for a year no one knows why he's standing apart from that the job attracts douchebags.
Verdict: the Gay-you will come out in force but Fishy will clinch one more year. Mass debater will become disgraced military and end up in an asylum cursing the name Piss Gully.
Penny Pincher
Sephilis looks like a trumped up wank stain. Palestine, Politics, Penis he cried. Oh wait, he just said we need to spend some money. No shit Sherlock.
Wetshimself has 57 policies but the AU aint one. I guess Do-my-cunt was one beaver he didn't spend a long night in.
Not quite Kevin Sausage used it as an opportunity to say 'My name is James and I cannot stand up to MassDebater. Oh yeah and Fishy is a dick'
Verdict: Sheldog Jnr. will jizz all over them
Tissue Dispenser
Fuckley said she's fit and Eh-Man is shit. Tittie Tweaker would appreciate more tits please.
Eh-Man stuttered, he floundered, he had planted questions. Over managed campaign me thinks.
Melons shouldn't have fired Hallett from the Campaign team as she sadly did not have her baps out.
Verdict: too close to call, they're all a bit crap.
Great indoctrinator
Daniel 'Del-Boy' Jason. Three words. Who are ya?
Shorty got Low upset the hacks with the prospect that someone from the dark side could penetrate their inner circle but is essentially shit.
Sleazy Peas might as well have read out the communist manifesto. It would have been Kenrick-Lite if he'd bothered to mention the job.
Verdict: The Balcony bulldogs will chew Sleazy up and crown their new king.
maybe he was the one who plays football. if anyone knows the difference between Piss and Shorty answers on a postcard.
Part time arse kissers
not worth mentioning. Apart from Tom Jones doing something never seen before on the hacky stages. he told he truth.
Predictions: another fit bi girl for lgbt then rag victories all round for Wrong and Jones.
naughty naughty
Woopsie! Looks like Eh-Man-You-Oh-Well has been a very naughty boy.
The new facebook rules may have us all clicking 'delete hack' sorry 'friend' quicker than bacon jumped the gensec ship, but it was Eh-Man who prematurely came all over the internet.
As if the continuous status updates saying that he's doing his job aren't enough, he made some group early which got Fuckwit in a right tizz and as we speak he's being bent over his new desk while Ossie gives him the cane.
In fact I can almost hear him scream 'HARDER HARDER'
The new facebook rules may have us all clicking 'delete hack' sorry 'friend' quicker than bacon jumped the gensec ship, but it was Eh-Man who prematurely came all over the internet.
As if the continuous status updates saying that he's doing his job aren't enough, he made some group early which got Fuckwit in a right tizz and as we speak he's being bent over his new desk while Ossie gives him the cane.
In fact I can almost hear him scream 'HARDER HARDER'
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Wannabes for flabb camp? Too late Buster! The nominations are....
So now you know why those social misfits and freaks that normally dive into the library shelving at the sight of you have suddenly been cheerily waving at you and shoving their sweaty palms against yours. Yes, if these symptoms sound familiar to you, take a look at the list. They on there? You probably don’t even know their name but rest assured they know yours and will get more desperate in your company as the days go on.
Nominations are in and a cute little fly on the wall has informed me of the list of people willing to gain twice their original bodyweight by doing a mundane job for the next year, while pretending to give a shit about our sad pathetic lives.
Gen Sec/ Fuhrer/ egotistical dickhead of the year honorary studentship
The Dilhole is back for more Fishy action where he vows to keep by his word. Like saying he was never going to flabb it up just over a year ago….and putting his heart into the Hamas cause (or Occupying cause, it is all so ironic and complicated nowadays)…how things change *sigh*.
Man of the people ‘Pete’ is trying to Dave Cameron himself up by taking valuable time from MassDebating and smiling at the plebs. Cushy job obviously not working out, he has taken the big step of licking the arses of students.
And then we have Chris ‘I work in the Tuns so must be fit’ Gully and Alfred ‘who the f**k’ Kovaci. The hacks are seething in their boots- why have these people got the temerity to stick their little dicks into the festival of Fuhrer fun. Britters-but-Shitters Beercan is now crying into his stained pink top and fondling his fake boobs to keep him happy. For he rubbed his genital areas and bared his beer-belly for the chance to whore himself for Fuhrer before chickening out. Who do these nobodies and, God forbid, normal students who still have an ounce of dignity think they are?
Treasurer;
Britters-but-Shitters Bacon has screeched into the Chancellor race last minute, barely having time to rip off his skirt and think about the sex appeal of digits. Obviously decided that he was too much of a serious candidate for GenSec, he thought he’d chill out a bit on that really fun and relaxed role of Treasurer. RC definitely looks for gyrating ability in his/her Moneyman.
Wetz Himself, on the other hand, has recovered from being gunked by FestyFuckley and Sephilis and is planning on charming his way into the Chancellor’s seat. The PissingPuppet for the Ali-Schmoozy’s evil plans, is the latest Medja Whore to lick the crevices of the student body.
And finally there is Sephilis, the Occupier who suspects that chilling in the Hub may be a little more comfortable than the festering chewing-gum infested interior of the Old Theatre. However stinky the Dilhole may be, it cannot be as bad a seeing Alan le ‘Devil first thing in the morning. And certainly, his ability to reproduce himself into up to four people on a good day to ‘attend’ simultaneous events on facebook shows real effort on his part to whore it up with ALL kinds of people.
Edwelfare;
No big surprises here. Apart from lack of cock.
Fuckley has gone joined HELLon Earth, Saddy KiddingMe, Eh-man-you-well and some randomer named Katy Prickhead for the TissueDispensing Flabb. Hurrah. Some real tits at last. Eh-man, that includes you. Beer-can, eat your heart out, the flabb effect is yet to come your way.
Comms;
The chance to miscommunicate couldn’t be further from thrillykins. Sleazy Deas has, shock of all shocks, declared. Rat Catcher is still recovering from the news.
Oddbod’s done a runner leaving Rob Low and some Dan Jason to contend with the sleaze. One word of warning. Never trust anyone with two first names. Allegedly (libel check complete!).
Nominations are in and a cute little fly on the wall has informed me of the list of people willing to gain twice their original bodyweight by doing a mundane job for the next year, while pretending to give a shit about our sad pathetic lives.
Gen Sec/ Fuhrer/ egotistical dickhead of the year honorary studentship
The Dilhole is back for more Fishy action where he vows to keep by his word. Like saying he was never going to flabb it up just over a year ago….and putting his heart into the Hamas cause (or Occupying cause, it is all so ironic and complicated nowadays)…how things change *sigh*.
Man of the people ‘Pete’ is trying to Dave Cameron himself up by taking valuable time from MassDebating and smiling at the plebs. Cushy job obviously not working out, he has taken the big step of licking the arses of students.
And then we have Chris ‘I work in the Tuns so must be fit’ Gully and Alfred ‘who the f**k’ Kovaci. The hacks are seething in their boots- why have these people got the temerity to stick their little dicks into the festival of Fuhrer fun. Britters-but-Shitters Beercan is now crying into his stained pink top and fondling his fake boobs to keep him happy. For he rubbed his genital areas and bared his beer-belly for the chance to whore himself for Fuhrer before chickening out. Who do these nobodies and, God forbid, normal students who still have an ounce of dignity think they are?
Treasurer;
Britters-but-Shitters Bacon has screeched into the Chancellor race last minute, barely having time to rip off his skirt and think about the sex appeal of digits. Obviously decided that he was too much of a serious candidate for GenSec, he thought he’d chill out a bit on that really fun and relaxed role of Treasurer. RC definitely looks for gyrating ability in his/her Moneyman.
Wetz Himself, on the other hand, has recovered from being gunked by FestyFuckley and Sephilis and is planning on charming his way into the Chancellor’s seat. The PissingPuppet for the Ali-Schmoozy’s evil plans, is the latest Medja Whore to lick the crevices of the student body.
And finally there is Sephilis, the Occupier who suspects that chilling in the Hub may be a little more comfortable than the festering chewing-gum infested interior of the Old Theatre. However stinky the Dilhole may be, it cannot be as bad a seeing Alan le ‘Devil first thing in the morning. And certainly, his ability to reproduce himself into up to four people on a good day to ‘attend’ simultaneous events on facebook shows real effort on his part to whore it up with ALL kinds of people.
Edwelfare;
No big surprises here. Apart from lack of cock.
Fuckley has gone joined HELLon Earth, Saddy KiddingMe, Eh-man-you-well and some randomer named Katy Prickhead for the TissueDispensing Flabb. Hurrah. Some real tits at last. Eh-man, that includes you. Beer-can, eat your heart out, the flabb effect is yet to come your way.
Comms;
The chance to miscommunicate couldn’t be further from thrillykins. Sleazy Deas has, shock of all shocks, declared. Rat Catcher is still recovering from the news.
Oddbod’s done a runner leaving Rob Low and some Dan Jason to contend with the sleaze. One word of warning. Never trust anyone with two first names. Allegedly (libel check complete!).
Sunday 22 February 2009
Panning for gold
Nominations close at 5pm on Monday, and this weekend sees the final shakedown of all that Union detritus, and the little flecks of gold emerging from the swill.
Latest rumours circulating about the place? Mass-Debater is causing quite a panic amongst those candidates already declared who see him as the Scupperus Ex Machina, avec bouffant, sans baggage, and with a halo of integrity surrounding him. This Hack Attacker has also heard unconfirmed rumours he can walk on water, turn water into wine, and once managed to make an Iceland pack of Vol au vents go a really long way at a party. Anyway, depending on who you listen to, he's either declared already, is thinking about it, or has decided against it. And he's going for Treasurer or Gen Sec, probably. Like I say, panic spreads wild rumours...
Eh-Man-You-Well? has also started to worry a little now that he has more than just Not-A-Chance-In-Hel-en and Fuckley to run against. Apparently running against a genuine opposition won't be as easy as last year's race, where RON tried, but ultimately went a bit Steve Wall...
And Oddbod ain't running (yet). After all that hard work this past year!
(Meanwhile, the Flabbs realise that now they've moved into an office with windows in the Quad, everyone can see just how much time they spend sitting around doing nothing...)
Latest rumours circulating about the place? Mass-Debater is causing quite a panic amongst those candidates already declared who see him as the Scupperus Ex Machina, avec bouffant, sans baggage, and with a halo of integrity surrounding him. This Hack Attacker has also heard unconfirmed rumours he can walk on water, turn water into wine, and once managed to make an Iceland pack of Vol au vents go a really long way at a party. Anyway, depending on who you listen to, he's either declared already, is thinking about it, or has decided against it. And he's going for Treasurer or Gen Sec, probably. Like I say, panic spreads wild rumours...
Eh-Man-You-Well? has also started to worry a little now that he has more than just Not-A-Chance-In-Hel-en and Fuckley to run against. Apparently running against a genuine opposition won't be as easy as last year's race, where RON tried, but ultimately went a bit Steve Wall...
And Oddbod ain't running (yet). After all that hard work this past year!
(Meanwhile, the Flabbs realise that now they've moved into an office with windows in the Quad, everyone can see just how much time they spend sitting around doing nothing...)
Thursday 19 February 2009
Bacon's Campaign Begins...
In the modern marketing world virals are king. With that in mind, the sizzling one has made an early move in his campaign for Gen Sec with the cover story that its all for charidee. Those of a nervous disposition or with any existing heart condition might be advised to look away now...
Monday 16 February 2009
Give us your fucking votes... er... money
Ah Facebook, such glorious diversion. And fertile ground for those of us wishing to see what our favourite election candidates to be are up to...
We see Aled rediscovering his left-wing roots. Aled, who refuses to stand for the national anthem (the swine), yet falls to his knees before the Queen and Prince Philip, awfully 'spectful like ma'am, doff my cap to 'em, gawd bless 'er. Who, despite promising 'a campaigning Union' last election, despite being long-standing supporter of the Palestinian cause, passed on the opportunity for genuine campaigning when the occupation came round. But never fear, he's back in the fold now, with a great big Palestine ribbon for his profile picture, and status updates loudly proclaiming how much money he's raised for Medical Aid for Palestine, and how modest his 'part' is. Haha. Full marks should also go to Sephallis Brown, who also gets a great big MAP status, photos of him fundraising etc. ad nauseum. Just who those block voters (because we all know Pal/ISoc are just mindless drones right?) go for remains to be seen...
We see ShelBod attending a great slew of events, and probably spending a lot of time with HellOn Earth (Or 'Melons' Roberts as she apparently calls herself) for the next week or so. Not sure who that's worse for, but if there's any justice in the world they'll end up making babies live on air for the PuLSE RAGathon. It's for fucking charity guys! Come on! If you don't have sex, it'll mean they both hate charity. (Please continue this sort of peer pressure at your own discretion)
In fact, sweet Jesus, if we go through all the other candidates to be, we realise RAG week is destined to be one great big Hack clusterfuck of bitching, backstabbing and palm-pressing. It's all about face time right?
This particular writer has nothing (much) against charity, but doesn't the whole thing just feel a bit sordid when it just becomes a platform for desperate publicity seeking? Where, for example, is Ben 'that tall hairy guy who stands up at the UGM and talks every week' Jones? Another victim (cf Emma Fischer) along the path of Hackery?
We see Aled rediscovering his left-wing roots. Aled, who refuses to stand for the national anthem (the swine), yet falls to his knees before the Queen and Prince Philip, awfully 'spectful like ma'am, doff my cap to 'em, gawd bless 'er. Who, despite promising 'a campaigning Union' last election, despite being long-standing supporter of the Palestinian cause, passed on the opportunity for genuine campaigning when the occupation came round. But never fear, he's back in the fold now, with a great big Palestine ribbon for his profile picture, and status updates loudly proclaiming how much money he's raised for Medical Aid for Palestine, and how modest his 'part' is. Haha. Full marks should also go to Sephallis Brown, who also gets a great big MAP status, photos of him fundraising etc. ad nauseum. Just who those block voters (because we all know Pal/ISoc are just mindless drones right?) go for remains to be seen...
We see ShelBod attending a great slew of events, and probably spending a lot of time with HellOn Earth (Or 'Melons' Roberts as she apparently calls herself) for the next week or so. Not sure who that's worse for, but if there's any justice in the world they'll end up making babies live on air for the PuLSE RAGathon. It's for fucking charity guys! Come on! If you don't have sex, it'll mean they both hate charity. (Please continue this sort of peer pressure at your own discretion)
In fact, sweet Jesus, if we go through all the other candidates to be, we realise RAG week is destined to be one great big Hack clusterfuck of bitching, backstabbing and palm-pressing. It's all about face time right?
This particular writer has nothing (much) against charity, but doesn't the whole thing just feel a bit sordid when it just becomes a platform for desperate publicity seeking? Where, for example, is Ben 'that tall hairy guy who stands up at the UGM and talks every week' Jones? Another victim (cf Emma Fischer) along the path of Hackery?
Friday 13 February 2009
A Play, In One Act
The scene: The UGM, the typical rabble present.
Enter a shambling man, bald save for a frosted trim of downy white, his pixie ears lacking their usual impish vim; he feels every one of his long years in his bones, and in his soul; the gathered throng's morbid dirge that greets him grinds in his ears, mocking his lost youth, taunting the flight of his sprightly vigour. HOWARD DAVIES (for it is he) speaks:
I am here to bore you. I made a bit of a tit of myself last time, but no more. No. I shall speak. Slowly... haltingly... in a drone so fiercely dull... that... oh christ... I might just end it all here... School... too big... too many... kids everywhere, damn them... being all young... so no more of them... League tables are rubbish, wrong sort of weighting... except for the ones that aren't... which conveniently are the one's we're good at... and the one's we do ourselves... which is nice... being mean to each other is mean... dialogue free speech Janet Hartley cor blimey I definitely... wouldn't want anyone to feel... unhappy... Thank you
AU wag: Marry me Howard!
HD: See how they mock me! I was young and virile like them once! How the blood coarsed through my veins when in pursuit of some young filly! Oh, the tales I could tell from my McKinsey days!
The new US cohort downsatirs: Staplers! Hole Punches! Yah boo sucks to Hamas!
HD: To think, it's come to this. In my glory days... ah... back at the FSA. You know I addressed a dinner at the London Metal Exchange once? Made a cracking joke about 'backwardation towards the bar'... these loss-making (oops, there I go again) parasites wouldn't know backwardation from their backsides.
AU whinger: Blah blah whinge everyone's mean to me...
HD: Christ. This is a low. Thank God for that swift brandy (or three!) I had beforehand... Sorry. I shall let Andy Farrell deal with it all...
Exit (Terminal).
Later, the wake is ruined by the Hacks and The Beaver going toe to toe over who is allowed to use James Sausage for their own ends the most...
Enter a shambling man, bald save for a frosted trim of downy white, his pixie ears lacking their usual impish vim; he feels every one of his long years in his bones, and in his soul; the gathered throng's morbid dirge that greets him grinds in his ears, mocking his lost youth, taunting the flight of his sprightly vigour. HOWARD DAVIES (for it is he) speaks:
I am here to bore you. I made a bit of a tit of myself last time, but no more. No. I shall speak. Slowly... haltingly... in a drone so fiercely dull... that... oh christ... I might just end it all here... School... too big... too many... kids everywhere, damn them... being all young... so no more of them... League tables are rubbish, wrong sort of weighting... except for the ones that aren't... which conveniently are the one's we're good at... and the one's we do ourselves... which is nice... being mean to each other is mean... dialogue free speech Janet Hartley cor blimey I definitely... wouldn't want anyone to feel... unhappy... Thank you
AU wag: Marry me Howard!
HD: See how they mock me! I was young and virile like them once! How the blood coarsed through my veins when in pursuit of some young filly! Oh, the tales I could tell from my McKinsey days!
The new US cohort downsatirs: Staplers! Hole Punches! Yah boo sucks to Hamas!
HD: To think, it's come to this. In my glory days... ah... back at the FSA. You know I addressed a dinner at the London Metal Exchange once? Made a cracking joke about 'backwardation towards the bar'... these loss-making (oops, there I go again) parasites wouldn't know backwardation from their backsides.
AU whinger: Blah blah whinge everyone's mean to me...
HD: Christ. This is a low. Thank God for that swift brandy (or three!) I had beforehand... Sorry. I shall let Andy Farrell deal with it all...
Exit (Terminal).
Later, the wake is ruined by the Hacks and The Beaver going toe to toe over who is allowed to use James Sausage for their own ends the most...
You wan' eggs wiv'at?
Electioneering? never!!!!
If you haven't been invited already, perhaps you should join (and sponsor) the Pulse Radio! Ragathon group a.k.a. Bacon does breakfast. This year, the event (where a number of Medja Whores choose to spend a whole week on campus broadcasting "quality radio" in the name of 'charity'/an excuse not to go to lessons/beering "it" up/getting prepared for Lent Term elections) is sponsored by no other than The Baconator - a company that sells student standard pork at (surprisingly high) premium prices.
Word is that a FlacidFlabb quizzed the sincerity of The Baconator's sponsorship on the Wall, only to find his comment deleted by the one, and only, admin. Twice.
The 'unsolicited' FB amendment was passed just hours ago, but this little PR stunt began before t'internet campaigning was allowed.
When is being in election time, not being in election time?
Thickwit, do you have an answer?
If you haven't been invited already, perhaps you should join (and sponsor) the Pulse Radio! Ragathon group a.k.a. Bacon does breakfast. This year, the event (where a number of Medja Whores choose to spend a whole week on campus broadcasting "quality radio" in the name of 'charity'/an excuse not to go to lessons/beering "it" up/getting prepared for Lent Term elections) is sponsored by no other than The Baconator - a company that sells student standard pork at (surprisingly high) premium prices.
Word is that a FlacidFlabb quizzed the sincerity of The Baconator's sponsorship on the Wall, only to find his comment deleted by the one, and only, admin. Twice.
The 'unsolicited' FB amendment was passed just hours ago, but this little PR stunt began before t'internet campaigning was allowed.
When is being in election time, not being in election time?
Thickwit, do you have an answer?
Thursday 12 February 2009
Bacon comes out of the closet
That's right kids, it's official! Vote Bacon for GenSec '09!!!!
Please comment with any potential campaign slogans that you have for Mr. Bacon.
"Putting the pork back into SU politics!"
Please comment with any potential campaign slogans that you have for Mr. Bacon.
"Putting the pork back into SU politics!"
Wednesday 11 February 2009
The Birds Have Flown The Nest
The rat catcher is mourning the lack of, to put the Cookies in the Soc’s Officer’s own mouth, ‘gash’ in the upcoming Schmooze-lections. At the moment Fuckley and Hell-on Earth are the only damsels distressed enough by the Union to want to fiddle with the testosterone-filled policies the present flabs are dolling out.
As yet all other races are distinctly lacking in hackesses. Why, even Smelle’s like Dog seems to have taken her hat out of the ring and wrapped it around her beehive hair. And even that female-infested group ‘Free trips to European Capitals’ or RAG has yet to field a Charitable Charmer.
The Media Matrons overseeing the whole torrid affair have also been too busy escaping the masculine grip of the Beaver aristocracy to think about running in the dick-fest. Pulser Horny Gorny is spending too much of her time lugging dead bodies about in her ‘cello’ case and going to media whore ‘meetings’ to be persuaded onto the dark side (silly girl) . Lois Cheery would be the perfect Sabb Star as would Antonia ‘BJ- Bridget Jones’ Strachey, who gathers more respect than the whole of the Flabbatical Team put together . But by far the most competent flabb would be the serial multi-tasker Mademoiselle Goulet machine. RC pictures the scene; “SHHHAAT UUP YOU BASTEERDS!” Much more entertaining.
But why are none of these feminine firecrackers joining the game? RC watches this space….
As yet all other races are distinctly lacking in hackesses. Why, even Smelle’s like Dog seems to have taken her hat out of the ring and wrapped it around her beehive hair. And even that female-infested group ‘Free trips to European Capitals’ or RAG has yet to field a Charitable Charmer.
The Media Matrons overseeing the whole torrid affair have also been too busy escaping the masculine grip of the Beaver aristocracy to think about running in the dick-fest. Pulser Horny Gorny is spending too much of her time lugging dead bodies about in her ‘cello’ case and going to media whore ‘meetings’ to be persuaded onto the dark side (silly girl) . Lois Cheery would be the perfect Sabb Star as would Antonia ‘BJ- Bridget Jones’ Strachey, who gathers more respect than the whole of the Flabbatical Team put together . But by far the most competent flabb would be the serial multi-tasker Mademoiselle Goulet machine. RC pictures the scene; “SHHHAAT UUP YOU BASTEERDS!” Much more entertaining.
But why are none of these feminine firecrackers joining the game? RC watches this space….
The Money Men and Flabbatical Foreplay
Tommy Jack-Ass, a boy from the sorry excuse for a LSE Rugby Team is planning to get off his hobby horse and address the plebs and geeks. He is joining Sephy in addressing the masses from their narrow yet very different little worlds of kicking ass. Now they are screwing their faces in orgasmic pleasure at balance sheets and numbers with more than 2 digits.
Why, Jack-Ass even entered the recesses of Thrush to lick the crevices of the Chinese votes, with a ‘peace offering’ of fortune cookies piled high. Chinawhites mourned his loss. Too bad Racy/ Anti-Racy had pipped him to the post- Rat Catcher has been tipped off by the drowning fly in the Tun’s glasses that he had had a date with the hairdresser and sported a rather oriental ‘do and outfit.
Effort rating; The BrownShitemeister; 1, Jack-Ass; 0
Votes got; about 3 (number of Chinese people prepared to risk infection at Thrush).
IN OTHER RACES, ‘Hell on Earth’ Roberts was busy scmhoozing at AU Mr LSE, with the objectification of men and encouraging boys to do nothing but wiggle their abs as allegedly being the top of her policy agenda.
Ruby ‘I can’t take a joke from a Pig and a Hare’ Fuckley is spending her time wisely by apparently not talking to the current TissueDispenser Flabbatical- good market research technique, if a little unusual.
Emmy PingPong, on the other hand has all the policy he needs. Not only has he been in a year already but exploiting his street cred and name when you’re called ‘eh-man-you-well?’ is far more of a vote pleaser. BuBum-Ching!
Why, Jack-Ass even entered the recesses of Thrush to lick the crevices of the Chinese votes, with a ‘peace offering’ of fortune cookies piled high. Chinawhites mourned his loss. Too bad Racy/ Anti-Racy had pipped him to the post- Rat Catcher has been tipped off by the drowning fly in the Tun’s glasses that he had had a date with the hairdresser and sported a rather oriental ‘do and outfit.
Effort rating; The BrownShitemeister; 1, Jack-Ass; 0
Votes got; about 3 (number of Chinese people prepared to risk infection at Thrush).
IN OTHER RACES, ‘Hell on Earth’ Roberts was busy scmhoozing at AU Mr LSE, with the objectification of men and encouraging boys to do nothing but wiggle their abs as allegedly being the top of her policy agenda.
Ruby ‘I can’t take a joke from a Pig and a Hare’ Fuckley is spending her time wisely by apparently not talking to the current TissueDispenser Flabbatical- good market research technique, if a little unusual.
Emmy PingPong, on the other hand has all the policy he needs. Not only has he been in a year already but exploiting his street cred and name when you’re called ‘eh-man-you-well?’ is far more of a vote pleaser. BuBum-Ching!
Wednesday 4 February 2009
Beavered Erections
We've been be so happy anticipating the implosion of the left when Brownshirt takes on the Fuhrer that we've forgotten about the even more awkward and inbred race for which manoeuvres are already taking place: the Beaver editor elections.
Now that Sleazy Deas has stormed off in a huff, we get a sneaky peak at some of the candidates as they vie to replace him as deputy to laugh-a-minute-Cotterill at Thursday's collective.
The bad news is that MutinousMoussavi, the pioneer of 'No-quote' journalism, is mobilising his 'team' of 'reporters' in the same way he did to pass a censure against the top man last term. Quite why Caspell's Useful Idiot thinks he will be able to patch things up with that loudmouth Joseph is anybody's guess. This hack calls on every student to nick that bloody Blackberry and stop the madman forever.
We're also receiving reports that mini-Bacon Damsguard will be working around the clock to help Ultimate Rennision prepare for the collective, presumably by locking him in the Beaver office and forcing him to repeat the words "I work for the Beaver, not the London Student" over and over again.
Surely Chun-Gok-Jintao deserves a crack at the job, but judging by his editorial this week he doesn't like victories so won't be trying too hard.
The rhyming couplet known as Shibani Mahtani, one of the few females to work for the Beaver this millenium, completes this boring line up.
If Rennison or BaniTani win then they'll surely be odds on favourite to take the top job at the end of the term. Whoever wins, let's hope they do something stop the Guardian libel.
Now that Sleazy Deas has stormed off in a huff, we get a sneaky peak at some of the candidates as they vie to replace him as deputy to laugh-a-minute-Cotterill at Thursday's collective.
The bad news is that MutinousMoussavi, the pioneer of 'No-quote' journalism, is mobilising his 'team' of 'reporters' in the same way he did to pass a censure against the top man last term. Quite why Caspell's Useful Idiot thinks he will be able to patch things up with that loudmouth Joseph is anybody's guess. This hack calls on every student to nick that bloody Blackberry and stop the madman forever.
We're also receiving reports that mini-Bacon Damsguard will be working around the clock to help Ultimate Rennision prepare for the collective, presumably by locking him in the Beaver office and forcing him to repeat the words "I work for the Beaver, not the London Student" over and over again.
Surely Chun-Gok-Jintao deserves a crack at the job, but judging by his editorial this week he doesn't like victories so won't be trying too hard.
The rhyming couplet known as Shibani Mahtani, one of the few females to work for the Beaver this millenium, completes this boring line up.
If Rennison or BaniTani win then they'll surely be odds on favourite to take the top job at the end of the term. Whoever wins, let's hope they do something stop the Guardian libel.
LSE: Not for Snow Day
Members of the Facebook group for socialist conspiracy LSE Not for Profit will have received an urgent update about the Glorious Revolution on Monday: THE LIBRARY IS CLOSING AT 5PM!
Presumably jealous of Oddbod's vaguely comical Facebook homages to Snow Day 2009, Mr. GenSec used just about every campaign list and group he had access to and claimed some of the fun for himself. The Not for Profit campaign, perhaps the only real challenge posed to Credit-Crunch Masterminder Davies in some time, has now become another bog-standard Union mouthpiece. Nice one Aled.
It was the second piece of bad news of the day for the anti-capitalist, pro Macbook brigade after their 'protest' to hand in their letter to our lovable Director was slewn by Snow Day itself.
Monday 2 February 2009
Barbarous Activity Pulsates Through The Treasury
Ego seems to have turned one power-hungry flabbatical into a raging tyrant who thinks anybody’s money is his own. M. Harassment was reportedly left flabbergasted by the Barbarous flabbatical as he swung from pillar to post at the Pulse is 10! party, as the latter seemed to be under the impression that the Pulse budget was….his.
While the other slavering Sabbs pinned their hopes on securing more money behind the bar in order to seduce the poor partygoers into signing away their vote, Barby dragged his heels. In fact many have been moaning that the Chancellor has been a mean bean- reportedly implying that the she-bang was as loss-making as the students attending it and magnanimously deciding if and how much money Pulse was to spend.
The rub? The budget isn’t his. The rat catcher dreams of the day when s/he can choose what other people do with their money. The party turned out to be a stonker- much to the surprise of the pessimistic party-pooper and money was made. Let’s hope that the Barbster is slightly better judging the budgets and successes of his own SU accounts, such as the infamous money-making scheme Crush/Fresh/Whatever, rather than sticking his fingers into Harassment’s budgetary area and poo-pooing a party twice as populated as Crush/ Flush/ Thrush.
As for the Hackery and drunken activities at said New Labour do, Rat Catcher couldn’t possibly say. S/he was definitely tucked up in bed, watching ‘Eurovision; your country needs you.’ All that can be said is that the photos tell of some rather unsuitable activity after those overworked hack’ asexual behaviour is transformed after stinging off a free bar.
While the other slavering Sabbs pinned their hopes on securing more money behind the bar in order to seduce the poor partygoers into signing away their vote, Barby dragged his heels. In fact many have been moaning that the Chancellor has been a mean bean- reportedly implying that the she-bang was as loss-making as the students attending it and magnanimously deciding if and how much money Pulse was to spend.
The rub? The budget isn’t his. The rat catcher dreams of the day when s/he can choose what other people do with their money. The party turned out to be a stonker- much to the surprise of the pessimistic party-pooper and money was made. Let’s hope that the Barbster is slightly better judging the budgets and successes of his own SU accounts, such as the infamous money-making scheme Crush/Fresh/Whatever, rather than sticking his fingers into Harassment’s budgetary area and poo-pooing a party twice as populated as Crush/ Flush/ Thrush.
As for the Hackery and drunken activities at said New Labour do, Rat Catcher couldn’t possibly say. S/he was definitely tucked up in bed, watching ‘Eurovision; your country needs you.’ All that can be said is that the photos tell of some rather unsuitable activity after those overworked hack’ asexual behaviour is transformed after stinging off a free bar.
Sunday 1 February 2009
The Claws are Out- the Lefties lose their Fluffiness
So the bourgeois tea party in the Old Theatre may have come to an end (much to the regret of top honcho Seph ‘champagne socialist’ Brown). But the aftermath has left the Occupiers with a bitter taste in their mouth. Some of the filthy comrades have acquired the capacity for more than one face as rumours fly from one end of the secret meetings in the Quad to the other.
The reason? Well, they are busy wondering which puppet they will chant ‘well he’s a jolly good fellow’ to at the S-Schmooze election 2009. Hack Attack is sure Ali Moose- Savster will be getting his grimy little tentacles into the whole torrid affair.
Brownshite and Dilhole Fishy have spent most of the week with painted smiles on their faces while behind each others backs like schoolboys, they mouth off to Lefties about all the votes that they think they will secure. Too bad the Occupiers and appointed Lefties were swallowing every festering morsel and burping it back out to the other candidate.
Rumour has it that Lefties are confused, as two clones are busy trying to give each other a black eye in order for the ‘people’ to see the difference between the two. Let’s just hope that they don’t both end up with bruised faces while a terrible Tory trots past and nabs the spot, screaming ‘long live the BNP.’
The reason? Well, they are busy wondering which puppet they will chant ‘well he’s a jolly good fellow’ to at the S-Schmooze election 2009. Hack Attack is sure Ali Moose- Savster will be getting his grimy little tentacles into the whole torrid affair.
Brownshite and Dilhole Fishy have spent most of the week with painted smiles on their faces while behind each others backs like schoolboys, they mouth off to Lefties about all the votes that they think they will secure. Too bad the Occupiers and appointed Lefties were swallowing every festering morsel and burping it back out to the other candidate.
Rumour has it that Lefties are confused, as two clones are busy trying to give each other a black eye in order for the ‘people’ to see the difference between the two. Let’s just hope that they don’t both end up with bruised faces while a terrible Tory trots past and nabs the spot, screaming ‘long live the BNP.’
Timeless Students
That all important prize at the end of each year; every hacks dream of dreams: Honorary Studentship.
This year's bunch of Head Hack Homiez have decided to be rid of the in-house corruption that was rampant in this secret decision process. Not so secret is that there's one sole award for the Meeja Whores, and sounds like the Exec's imagination has found one lucky candidate only: Miss Horny Gorny.
Congrats to you!
Seems a bit unfair to only have one for the Media Hacks. Afterall, they've allocated 13 places for the production team of Timeless...
This year's bunch of Head Hack Homiez have decided to be rid of the in-house corruption that was rampant in this secret decision process. Not so secret is that there's one sole award for the Meeja Whores, and sounds like the Exec's imagination has found one lucky candidate only: Miss Horny Gorny.
Congrats to you!
Seems a bit unfair to only have one for the Media Hacks. Afterall, they've allocated 13 places for the production team of Timeless...
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