Thursday 31 January 2008

Hallett a blond mallet


Randy Mullet, the sniggering hound of the Cock Committee, is being rumoured to overtake the Islamic crusade of Fadhil with a laissez-faire approach to extremism. Dressed like an ropey Indian waiter, who botched his hairdye and received an intensive course of skin bleaching, Andy intends to abolish bureaucracy in the SU by banning:

a) Religious societies
b) Religion on campus
c) All committees which have more than 1 member
d) Political beliefs other than his own
e) Halal
f) The constitution, replacing it with the Little Blonde Book.

Despite all this, and rather bizarrely, Andy seems to have been given a ringing endorsement* from his competitor for the Big Job, Aled Dildo Fatah-Fascist-Fadhil-Fisher:

Aled Dilwyn Fisher wrote
at 10:15pm on February 21st, 2006
Andy - you're going to be the first Marxist Gen Sec who also believes in economic liberalism, and you're going to lead us on a crusade against Israel and Big Tobacco! I salute you and you have my vote! :)

*OK, so it may be a couple years old...

King Meadway

In a tense closed door session, the International Criminal Constitution & Steering Committee ruled that Israel had to withdraw from not just occupied ballots, but all seven of them. Some reports suggest that three members of the committee were infiltrators belonging to the Palestine Liberation sOciety (PLO).

However, in response to the decision of ICC&S, UGM President George W Meadway issued a firm statement in support of Israel's right to ballots. "Israel needs these ballots as a buffer against constant bombardment by Katyusha motions launched by the PLO", a spokesman stated. "The decision of the UGM stands".

Distraught by the decision of the ICC&S, and buoyed by the support of Meadway, the United Kingdom of Rugby and Football tabled a General Assembly motion to demolish the ICC&S in a brutal retaliatory attack. Prime Minister Rhys Welshname was quoted as saying "There is clear bias in the decision of this committee". However, the motion fell.

The PLO then launched a counter insurgency, directly targeting President Meadway's motorcade. The assassination attempt misfired, much to the delight of the cheering Arab children who were able to pick up the bullet shells and put them around their necks.

Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu declined to comment.

Wednesday 30 January 2008

The nuclear option

Quick update on the atomic composition of C&S

1. Andy Hallett - aka Argon (Arrrrr)- very innocent, can't vote, used to calibrate other atoms. More concerned with fission into Germanium Sulphate (GeS) than containing Caesium (Cs, C&S)
2. Joseph Brown - aka Caesium (C&S #2) - sits in the first column, seems innocent, but is very reactive upon contact with air and Zionists. Secretary of Pal Soc.
3. Abu Z - aka Gold (Au) - used for plating support for the Pal Soc during UGM. Shiny forehead. Otherwise useless.
4. Nadeem - aka Sodium (Na) - so boring, he is used to make salt. Atomically fuses with Gold (Au) and Caesium (Cs).
5. Felix - aka Lucky, Nitrous Oxide (NO2) - induces laughter for short periods of time. Very resistant to paper.
6. Little Chinese Kid - aka Little Chinese Kid (PRC) - doesn't speak English. Balanced like Argon. Very Boring.
7. The missing element - aka Tory skirt (CCHQ) - an element was thrown off the periodic table due to her invention of her own period.

Bacon sucks cock

I'd just like to draw everyone's attention to the following passage in the News section of this week's Beaver:

In reply, Abz Hussein, a member of C&S, told Bacon that was was constantly "haranguing" C&S, as well as declaring that he did not care "what you think", before telling Bacon that he should "now go s**k c**k." Andy Hallett, Chair of C&S, then declared that these were "my sentiments exactly."

Dilwyn declares

Taking a short break from being up Fadhil's arse, Aled Dildo is Fishy has sent out an email to his nearest and dearest declaring his intentions to run for Gen Sec. In Week fucking Four! Taking ambition to new heights, he has started asking for people to put posters up in halls already. Un. Fucking. Believable.

My favourite bit is this, entirely selfless, sentence:"I believe that, if we do everything we need to do in the campaign, I can win." Does Aled EVER stop giving? What a guy!

He seems rather desperate for fellow "progressives" to run for the other Sabb posts, and helpfully gives some advice to those who are considering running. Apparently you need to submit motions to the UGM, get society endorsements and write stuff for the Beaver. Well, fuck me with a feather! This hack hadn't a clue...

Tuesday 29 January 2008

Bye bye C&S

C&S voted 3-2 to annul Thursday's UGM vote. Bookmakers have now stopped taking bets on their getting no confidenced.

This means that C&S have advised UGM Chair Meadway Jnr. to annul the vote. The ultimate decision lies with him, and either way he's going to get shit.

Oh dear.

Best bit of the meeting was the following exchange...
Kayt: I think we should all say thank you to Andy for chairing such a difficult meeting.
*applause from everyone*
Fadhil: Yeah and I think we should all say thank you to the Sabbs, too, for staying until 8pm.
*the sound of Fadhil clapping whilst everyone else shouted that they were actually paid to be there!*

Reporting live from C&S....

Payah (the token girl) has resigned from C&S. Nobody cried.

Head count: 6 C&S, 3 Sabbs, 2 part-time exec, 3 Zionists and half a million PalSoccers!

Motions are getting waved through left, right and centre. Such is the anticipation of Palestine debate 2.0, literally anything could slip through right now!

It is eerily calm....

NO DAISY, NO!

In the greatest comeback since Jesus of Nazareth rose from the garden of Eden (Is this right? - Ed.), it looks like Billy Barber might be back on the electoral scene again. This time, though, he's going to be on the ballots instead of counting them.

A 'Draft Wil 2008' campaign has started in earnest. Rumours suggest Wil will (ho ho ho) run for Treasurer, putting all his LARA experience to good use in the Tuns.

Surprise, surprise

Complaints have been filed about Thursday's vote. C&S are debating it tonight. They might even have their own secret ballot!

If the seven dwarves strike down a decision made by such a well attended UGM, surely it is curtains for the committee? Or does Meadway Jnr. have the power to overrule them.

There's only one way to find out.... fight!!

Thursday 24 January 2008

The Sanctuary

... is crap. Fuck off out of our Union.

P.S. This does not mean you are off the hook either, Beaver.

Seeing Double


Dear Sir,

After attending today's UGM I could not help noticing the similarity between the manager of a popular student radio station and a well loved pseudo-colonialist Belgian journalist.

Do you think they have shared the secret of eternal youth, or just fashion tips?

Yours faithfully,
Kimberley McAdams

Awareless weeks

After Miss LSE-gate and banner-gate, Mrs Caspell has canceled one of the events in her Women's-come-anarcho-Trot Week, sending a rather disgruntled email to exec. Let's take a closer look at who is to blame for the shoddy awareness weeks...

Could it be the mild mannered Sabbs? Have they been too busy writing dodgy letters to give enough support to the part-time Officers? Awareness Weeks certainly haven't been high on their todo lists!

Perhaps it is the over-zealous societies, who are so keen to host their own "weeks" that they end up clashing worse than Sheldonstein's wardrobe. Note: this week it is Women's Week, India Week, Palestine Awareness Week (cheers for that, I wasn't aware beforehand) and Amy Winehouse on Crack Week.

Maybe it is the part-time exec officers themselves, who having achieved such a great office of state have realised its not all its cracked up to be. See also: fucking dire Exec meeting turnouts (maybe something to do with them being scheduled at ridic-o'clock? what kind of students do they think we are?!).

Or could it be "ordinary" students, so pissed off with the barrage of weeks, events, fundraisers and public lectures that they are, er, actually doing their fucking degrees? Surely not.

Return of the (dirty) mac

Nice to see some old faces at the count of the secret UGM ballot today.

At one point, there were three generations of Returning Officer on stage: Bluetooth Bacon, Dolly Mixture and Billy "I resign... no Daisy, no" Barbershop Quartet. Ah well, at least they're good for something. The question on everyone's lips... where was Eerie Beciri?

Also milling around was Clement Nolonger-Young, who was moaning about something or other like a drunken Scot in the corner of a pub. Bless.

Special mention should also go to Gobinson, who decided to lighten the rather stern mood with sweets, chocolates and Pulse Radio... if only we could broadcast Pulse over the Middle East all the problems would be solved overnight!

How to solve the Middle East conflict in 40 minutes

Last week there was a discussion about how to improve dwindling UGM attendances. Some muppet suggested proposing a motion on Israel every week. I thought they were joking!

Read the facts here

Final vote was 285 For to 292 Against. Motion fell with 60 abstentions.

Funniest part was James "Boil in the bag" Ketts who almost did a replay of his infamous "you're all a bunch of fucking idiots" walkout, but in front of a much bigger audience! Thankfully nobody took him seriously, but maybe the Sabbs should have done the video link to the New Theatre like in the olden days?

James then went to make the following piece of political literature. I think you'll agree, it's up there with the Declaration of Independence and the magna carta. Enjoy (apologies for the blur):

Sting like a Bengali?!

It has come to this hack's attention that a certain man around town was mysteriously left off the runners and riders list below. This muscle bound EastEnder is sure to run for something (everything, if he could)... but we here at Hack Attack refuse to give this joker the oxygen of publicity.

Abz #1 for an-noy-ing every-one!

Wednesday 23 January 2008

Beer Can

Seems like everyone's favourite earpiece wearing bureaucrat has been living up to his reputation as "the fifth Sabb" by getting involved in pretty much everything possible within the SU. Some of his colleagues aren't happy though. Not only does the exec disagree with his society endorsement plans, but there is now growing unease over his "finger in every pie" mentality. Perhaps somebody should tell him that his only responsibility is elections?

More a case of "back off bacon" than "back bacon"!

Consernation and Strife Committee

Those who missed C&S yesterday missed a real treat: Zionists (or should that be Zionist?), PalSoccers, chaos and Fadhil on the backfoot. Aled got in a tizzy with the flamboyant Felix; Andy offended pretty much everybody and Jefferson took a break from his hectic post-graduation work schedule to lend his wise words to the "perverse" committee. Unfortunately for Fadhil, Marshall-Courtney II (for it is he) had the sword of truth and the trusty shield of fair play on his side. Poor Fadhil resorted to shouting "you can't tell me how to do my job". Well, fortunately, Fadhil: we can!

Tuesday 22 January 2008

Debating in the UGM about the Middle East is like competing in the Special Olympics...

Looks like another Middle East conflict in the UGM this week. PalSoc want to boycott Israel. What's new?

Hamas' Yasser Lunat will no doubt take on Likud's Ben Sheldonstein for yet another pointless argument. Yawn.

Firoz frozen out

Seems like our International Officer is rather peeved with the 'Timeless' cultural show, which has somewhat overshadow his own lacklusture 'Global Show'. Boo hoo.

Monday 21 January 2008

Joining the dots

http://politics.guardian.co.uk/gla/comment/0,,2235776,00.html

+

+

http://www.educationet.org/messageboard/posts/46450.html


+

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article3216687.ece

= Dodgy.

Wicked whispers...

Shhh....

Which handsfree wearing bureaucrat is already planning his Gen Sec race? He already spends more time in the office than Fadhil himself...

Which floppy haired 60s reject is planning an all out offensive against Jews, Muslims and any other minority who gets in his way. Wave goodbye to Halal food in the SU if this troublemaker gets in!

Which political society is falling apart at the seams? All of them!

Election rumours...

Gen Sec
Aled Dildo is Fishy - the greater anti-capitalist crusader will do the inevitable by handing in his nomination form for Gen Sec. Look forward to mandatory biodegradable underwear for all LSE students, sit-ins during the UGM and letters supporting Sian Berry for London Mayor.
Randy Mulllet - is going to put himself on the ballot. About as surprising as seeing Ed Chavasco in the Tuns.
The Sultan of Colombo - probably not. The word on the street is that he is stepping aside for Aled, but will come back for another year of unadulterated success in 2009/10. Oh Joy.
Crazy O'NoBrains - Quit ages ago. Will she do a Spice Girls-esque comeback?

Treasurer
Dolly Mixture - will the great networker go for something winnable, or is the thought of facing off with Dilwyn for Gen Sec be too tempting?
Farreeeeed Butt - lesser known hack with a massive base.

Ed Welfare
Crazy Welshname - stepping stone to a career in the NHS? Unlikely.
James Ketamine - after his demolition in last year's elections, subsequent disillusionment with the Union and several public breakdowns later, surely he is a dead cert to run again? Let's hope Randy talks him out of it.
Mrs Caspell - end the bourgeois dictatorship of E299! Will run a paper campaign directed by JJ.

Comms
Sheldon - ZOG takeover of the union imminent.
Ziyaad - will it be the Arab-Israeli conflict writ small?

Replacing London's Victorian Water Mains

Not for the first time, the civil service has been interfering with the executive and judicial branches of our fifedom. It's like Yes, Minister without the style.


As I mentioned to you earlier, I am getting somewhat concerned by the apparent inability and/or unwillingness of the Constitution and Steering Committee to act within the Union Constitution. Last weeks decision to allow discussion of an Emergency Business motion despite the fact that it clearly failed to meet a single one of the 3 requirements for an Emergency Business Motion set out in section 11.11.2 of the Standing Orders is merely the latest of a series of perverse and inexplicable C & S decisions. (the decision to treat a motion as lapsed after 3 weeks and to order the re-printing of the order paper without it , despite the 3 week lapse rule having been removed years ago and the decision to accept the submission of a business motion, obviously prior to the Monday 17.00 deadline, as something that could be the subject of an Emergency Business Motion are two other recent examples).

Although these unconstitutional and clearly improper rulings are being taken by C & S , the legal advice we took in relation to paper throwing makes it clear that the Union's trustees (ie the exec) and the Chair of the UGM are legally responsible for the conduct of the UGM. C & S's ignorance of, or possibly just indifference to , the Union's governing documents seems to me to be putting the Exec and the UGM Chair in an extremely difficult position.

As you are aware , SU's will shortly be required to register with the Charity Commission and will , for the first time be regulated directly by them. There is widespread concern in the SU movement that the Charity Commission will take the view that direct election of trustees from the membership fails to provide for proper governance . Many SU's are moving to having appointed trustees in place of some elected exec members (with alumni, local dignitaries, University or Union staff acting as trustees).

I think there is a broad consensus that we do not want to go down this route. This means that we have to be able to demonstrate that directly elected trustees can provide good governance. Failure to even to run the UGM in accordance with the Codes of Practice and Standing Orders is really shooting ourselves in the foot and I think the exec need to address the situation and in extremis, they need to be willing to ignore/over rule C& S when they go off the rails. As part of out preparation for the new Charity Act, I think we need to review whether there is a useful role for a C & S committee and if there is, we need to ensure that the Constitution reflects the legal reality that such a body can only be advisory to the trustees , who carry legal liability and must be the final decision makers. If the trustees act improperly , or allow the Union's business to be conducted improperly it is no defence that C & S told them to do so.

I think it would be useful to have a discussion at exec about how resolve this problem and to invite the C& S chair and UGM chair to attend.