Hallett a blond mallet

Randy Mullet, the sniggering hound of the Cock Committee, is being rumoured to overtake the Islamic crusade of Fadhil with a laissez-faire approach to extremism. Dressed like an ropey Indian waiter, who botched his hairdye and received an intensive course of skin bleaching, Andy intends to abolish bureaucracy in the SU by banning:

a) Religious societies
b) Religion on campus
c) All committees which have more than 1 member
d) Political beliefs other than his own
e) Halal
f) The constitution, replacing it with the Little Blonde Book.

Despite all this, and rather bizarrely, Andy seems to have been given a ringing endorsement* from his competitor for the Big Job, Aled Dildo Fatah-Fascist-Fadhil-Fisher:

Aled Dilwyn Fisher wrote
at 10:15pm on February 21st, 2006

Andy - you're going to be the first Marxist Gen Sec who also believes in economic liberalism, and you're going to lead us on a crusade against Israel and Big Tobacco! I salute you and you have my vote! :)

*OK, so it may be a couple years old...

King Meadway

In a tense closed door session, the International Criminal Constitution & Steering Committee ruled that Israel had to withdraw from not just occupied ballots, but all seven of them. Some reports suggest that three members of the committee were infiltrators belonging to the Palestine Liberation sOciety (PLO).

However, in response to the decision of ICC&S, UGM President George W Meadway issued a firm statement in support of Israel's right to ballots. "Israel needs these ballots as a buffer against constant bombardment by Katyusha motions launched by the PLO", a spokesman stated. "The decision of the UGM stands".

Distraught by the decision of the ICC&S, and buoyed by the support of Meadway, the United Kingdom of Rugby and Football tabled a General Assembly motion to demolish the ICC&S in a brutal retaliatory attack. Prime Minister Rhys Welshname was quoted as saying "There is clear bias in the decision of this committee". However, the motion fell.

The PLO then launched a counter insurgency, directly targeting President Meadway's motorcade. The assassination attempt misfired, much to the delight of the cheering Arab children who were able to pick up the bullet shells and put them around their necks.

Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu declined to comment.

The nuclear option

Quick update on the atomic composition of C&S

1. Andy Hallett - aka Argon (Arrrrr)- very innocent, can't vote, used to calibrate other atoms. More concerned with fission into Germanium Sulphate (GeS) than containing Caesium (Cs, C&S)
2. Joseph Brown - aka Caesium (C&S #2) - sits in the first column, seems innocent, but is very reactive upon contact with air and Zionists. Secretary of Pal Soc.
3. Abu Z - aka Gold (Au) - used for plating support for the Pal Soc during UGM. Shiny forehead. Otherwise useless.
4. Nadeem - aka Sodium (Na) - so boring, he is used to make salt. Atomically fuses with Gold (Au) and Caesium (Cs).
5. Felix - aka Lucky, Nitrous Oxide (NO2) - induces laughter for short periods of time. Very resistant to paper.
6. Little Chinese Kid - aka Little Chinese Kid (PRC) - doesn't speak English. Balanced like Argon. Very Boring.
7. The missing element - aka Tory skirt (CCHQ) - an element was thrown off the periodic table due to her invention of her own period.

Bacon sucks cock

I'd just like to draw everyone's attention to the following passage in the News section of this week's Beaver:

In reply, Abz Hussein, a member of C&S, told Bacon that was was constantly "haranguing" C&S, as well as declaring that he did not care "what you think", before telling Bacon that he should "now go s**k c**k." Andy Hallett, Chair of C&S, then declared that these were "my sentiments exactly."

Dilwyn declares

Taking a short break from being up Fadhil's arse, Aled Dildo is Fishy has sent out an email to his nearest and dearest declaring his intentions to run for Gen Sec. In Week fucking Four! Taking ambition to new heights, he has started asking for people to put posters up in halls already. Un. Fucking. Believable.

My favourite bit is this, entirely selfless, sentence:"I believe that, if we do everything we need to do in the campaign, I can win." Does Aled EVER stop giving? What a guy!

He seems rather desperate for fellow "progressives" to run for the other Sabb posts, and helpfully gives some advice to those who are considering running. Apparently you need to submit motions to the UGM, get society endorsements and write stuff for the Beaver. Well, fuck me with a feather! This hack hadn't a clue...

Bye bye C&S

C&S voted 3-2 to annul Thursday's UGM vote. Bookmakers have now stopped taking bets on their getting no confidenced.

This means that C&S have advised UGM Chair Meadway Jnr. to annul the vote. The ultimate decision lies with him, and either way he's going to get shit.

Oh dear.

Best bit of the meeting was the following exchange...
Kayt: I think we should all say thank you to Andy for chairing such a difficult meeting.
*applause from everyone*
Fadhil: Yeah and I think we should all say thank you to the Sabbs, too, for staying until 8pm.
*the sound of Fadhil clapping whilst everyone else shouted that they were actually paid to be there!*

Reporting live from C&S....

Payah (the token girl) has resigned from C&S. Nobody cried.

Head count: 6 C&S, 3 Sabbs, 2 part-time exec, 3 Zionists and half a million PalSoccers!

Motions are getting waved through left, right and centre. Such is the anticipation of Palestine debate 2.0, literally anything could slip through right now!

It is eerily calm....

NO DAISY, NO!

In the greatest comeback since Jesus of Nazareth rose from the garden of Eden (Is this right? - Ed.), it looks like Billy Barber might be back on the electoral scene again. This time, though, he's going to be on the ballots instead of counting them.

A 'Draft Wil 2008' campaign has started in earnest. Rumours suggest Wil will (ho ho ho) run for Treasurer, putting all his LARA experience to good use in the Tuns.

Surprise, surprise

Complaints have been filed about Thursday's vote. C&S are debating it tonight. They might even have their own secret ballot!

If the seven dwarves strike down a decision made by such a well attended UGM, surely it is curtains for the committee? Or does Meadway Jnr. have the power to overrule them.

There's only one way to find out.... fight!!

Make the UGM history

LooSE TV is alive!

The Sanctuary

... is crap. Fuck off out of our Union.

P.S. This does not mean you are off the hook either, Beaver.

Seeing Double

Dear Sir,

After attending today's UGM I could not help noticing the similarity between the manager of a popular student radio station and a well loved pseudo-colonialist Belgian journalist.

Do you think they have shared the secret of eternal youth, or just fashion tips?

Yours faithfully,
Kimberley McAdams

Awareless weeks

After Miss LSE-gate and banner-gate, Mrs Caspell has canceled one of the events in her Women's-come-anarcho-Trot Week, sending a rather disgruntled email to exec. Let's take a closer look at who is to blame for the shoddy awareness weeks...

Could it be the mild mannered Sabbs? Have they been too busy writing dodgy letters to give enough support to the part-time Officers? Awareness Weeks certainly haven't been high on their todo lists!

Perhaps it is the over-zealous societies, who are so keen to host their own "weeks" that they end up clashing worse than Sheldonstein's wardrobe. Note: this week it is Women's Week, India Week, Palestine Awareness Week (cheers for that, I wasn't aware beforehand) and Amy Winehouse on Crack Week.

Maybe it is the part-time exec officers themselves, who having achieved such a great office of state have realised its not all its cracked up to be. See also: fucking dire Exec meeting turnouts (maybe something to do with them being scheduled at ridic-o'clock? what kind of students do they think we are?!).

Or could it be "ordinary" students, so pissed off with the barrage of weeks, events, fundraisers and public lectures that they are, er, actually doing their fucking degrees? Surely not.

Return of the (dirty) mac

Nice to see some old faces at the count of the secret UGM ballot today.

At one point, there were three generations of Returning Officer on stage: Bluetooth Bacon, Dolly Mixture and Billy "I resign... no Daisy, no" Barbershop Quartet. Ah well, at least they're good for something. The question on everyone's lips... where was Eerie Beciri?

Also milling around was Clement Nolonger-Young, who was moaning about something or other like a drunken Scot in the corner of a pub. Bless.

Special mention should also go to Gobinson, who decided to lighten the rather stern mood with sweets, chocolates and Pulse Radio... if only we could broadcast Pulse over the Middle East all the problems would be solved overnight!

How to solve the Middle East conflict in 40 minutes

Last week there was a discussion about how to improve dwindling UGM attendances. Some muppet suggested proposing a motion on Israel every week. I thought they were joking!

Read the facts here

Final vote was 285 For to 292 Against. Motion fell with 60 abstentions.

Funniest part was James "Boil in the bag" Ketts who almost did a replay of his infamous "you're all a bunch of fucking idiots" walkout, but in front of a much bigger audience! Thankfully nobody took him seriously, but maybe the Sabbs should have done the video link to the New Theatre like in the olden days?

James then went to make the following piece of political literature. I think you'll agree, it's up there with the Declaration of Independence and the magna carta. Enjoy (apologies for the blur):