Go ye to the sacred land

Odd-bod Sheldon is off to the Holy Land on an all expenses free trip to see for himself how wonderful the world is for all the sweet Palestinians living under Israeli occupation.

As part of his tour package, he is being given a guided tour of the West Bank and will be meeting fully free, and nourished non-Jewish school children who (he shall be told) have access to insignificant things like human rights, national self-determination and an education.

If only Sheik Zayed was about...he'd help them out.

Raining fire, four horsemen, wailing and gnashing of teeth, and illicit emails

So MT elections are never quite the shouty carnival fun-fest of the Lent term, mainly because nobody really cares that much...

But it still won't stop people resorting to dirty, low-down underhand evil-doing and SENDING OUT MORE THAN 20 EMAILS!!! The baby Jesus wept at less than that! Brand and Ross can have their jobs back, because a friend of one of the Court of Governors candidates sent 120 emails asking people to vote for his man! If this isn't one of the signs of the apocalypse, then I'm giving up my subscription to The Watchtower.

Anyway, Andrew "Apprently he's really nice" Wright has been taken off the street for two hours, with Ol' Grumpy Bear Ossie telling him that he'll have to stay by his side for the time. Don't go easy on him - send him to the naughty step!

The Detect-o-philes

It's not New Yoik, and there are no gangstars clutching Tommy guns...

And yet there's a sleuth out there, looking to put behind bars ever last mother-fucka that dares mess with Miss. Constitution or Don Rationalitie.

His name, Detective Smokey. His mission, to secretly record C&S meetings in the vein hope that something remotely exciting might happen.

In last week's episode, the Detective taped the Don Fishio with his trusty dictaphone, telling a Cup-Full-of-Incompetance to step down, or else.

'Or else what, chump?'

'Or else I'll make all of your C&S gangster buddies tell you to too.'

'O yeah? Or else what, big shot?'

'Or else every last mother-fucka is gonna get 'no confidenced' at the UGM this week'

'Yikes!'

Stay tuned, for this week's episode of...the UGM...

Dum, dum dum dum, der-der dum-dum...

(That's the baseline to 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' if you didn't get it...)

But apparently beef will be hitting the fan at the UGM tomorrow, with no-confidences a go-go directed towards Chair-Of-UGM-And-Nameless-Election-Candidate, and C&S...

The Terribly Reasonable One apparently dabbles about in online smuggery on a self-important Hack Attack rip-off, along with two chums who also happen to be election candidates. And somebody is out to out them, which is nice. The boring constitutional question is whether they breach electoral rules yaddah yaddah. The more interesting bit is watching Monsieur Chair be, look guys, terribly, guys, reasonable about the whole thing, guys.

And why pick on poor C&S? Whispers are that poor Beaker has had an ultimatum from GenSec telling him to stand down, or face another vote of no confidence at the UGM. We asked hishonorable self for a quote, but he batted us away with a stern brace of high pitched squawks.

Well that should all be fun...

Naughty, naughty muppet...

Beaker Saumtally-ho is a right heavy-weight.

Not content with being the single most incompetent human being to ever reign over C&S (and that is reeeeealy saying something) he's decided to muscle in on the elections and make a few people stand down.

The funny thing is, is that as he stupidly pressurised one wonderful candidate into stepping down using his own telephone to do it!

The conversation between the candidate on his phone and the Returning Officer went something like this:

'Hi Ossie, I'd like to step down please.'

'Isn't this Nadeem's number?!'

'No...'

'Well, it is, because it says so on my phone.'

'Well, whatever you think Ossie, Nadeem is definitely, definitely not standing right next to me telling me that I have to stand down otherwise my life is going to be hell for the next couple of years.'

'I definitely believe you. Fine.'

And that is the tale of how nincompoop Nadeem 'Beaker' Saumtally bossed people into standing down from democratically elected electable elections.

Muppet.

Bacon pulls out early

Because the Pope told him to? Unlikely.

But whatever, he's withdrawn from the Court of Governors election.

Open to any explanations...

Dan Sheldon can't ride a bike!

Everyone else could when they were 5...

Apart from the late Daniel Dolan, ex-Pulse Radio Fuhrer, who, after a weeks worth of lessons, still looked like a couple of fat kids on a see-saw.

Seriously.

Elections

I love the smell of desperate self-promotion in the morning. The Michaelmas Term elections are always good for spotting a few names of next term's GenSec candidates. For example, Helen "Didn't Lose Residences Even Though She Did" Roberts is running for Residences Officer, Court of Governors and Academic Board - either she's genuinely dedicated to improving the student experience in all aspects of life at School; or, she's realised that she might need to bolster her HackCV if she's running for a sabb position this year, as 'Repeatedly resigned from C&S' doesn't really cut the mustard...

Other repeat nominations, which you can RON away to your heart's content are Prakhar Bahuguna (???) and K-Hole "No I'm not Alan from Conferences, or that racist guy from King's" . They clearly think both a dossy jobs which will take up little time but give them a shiny title on their CV. RON RON RON.

And looking down the list of candidates who've put themselves forward for positions this term, a few names stand out. Like don't those Sheldon and Akpan-Inwang chaps do something around these parts? Don't we pay them for something or other? Ah yes, that's right, we pay them to go up to the Annual LabourStudent Piss Up and Wank Fest that is NUS conference, where they can have their tummies tickled by some New Labour wonk, and so decide that top-up fees won't be such a bad thing after all.

And do they really need to sit on the Court of Governors? GenSec already goes along to that to represent the Union, other students sit on it to represent those that aren't held sway by ego-hacks. Either EA-I and DS feel that Aled won't do a good enough job, and they need to check up on him, or, as previously posted, they're coming down with a nasty bout of Baconitits. (was going to edit this typo, but I like the thought of Bacony-tits)

And one last thing, why wasn't Barber Beancounter included in the fun?

Baconitis II

*BEWARE*

Odd-bod Smeldon and E-to-the-A-to-the-I-Wop-Kizzle are infected with baconitis!!!

The only way to cure it is to vote RON.

For a full definition, see below.

Baconitis

Have you got your vaccination?!

It's spreading throughout the Union. That's right, it's an epidemic of Baconitis!

This disease will make you want to run for any and every elected position you can in the SU, and if you don't get elected to great societies like LARA, you compulsively meddle in every other bit of bureaucracy and begin shitting out constitutions like rubber bullets. But the worst symptom of all is that you feel compelled to sit in on every C&S meeting because you think you're in love with Nadeem's voice and leadership skillz.

If you see anyone acting this way you can be sure they are infected, so probs best not to touch them.

United Nincompoops

Marco, everyone's favourite Brazilian schmoozer who will stop at nothing to one day rule the world. If you don't know who he is you'll be able to tell because he's probably got his networking chops clamped firmly to some poor girl's face. As the President of the United Nincompoops at LSESU, he thought at the AGM it would be a good idea to endorse one of the candidates for Treasurer in his speech. Obviously, this voided the election.

If this is an insight into the future muppets who want to be in positions of power in our world, I despair...

Flabbalicious

In an official Pulse Radio interview, Aled has stated that Dan is his favourite Sabb because "he's doing stuff at the moment". We can presume that Dan will stop "doing stuff" in the fairly near future. His least favourite is Emmanuel, simply because he weighs 176 kilos more than any of the others. Fattist.

Incidentally, Dan and Aled are the same weight, even though Dan is about 4 foot the shorter. This goes against the normal rules of physics, but was made possible because Sheldo scrapped the old rules and wrote a new set of protocols and a codes of practice to allow a normally unsafe, dense build-up of materials in his abdomen.

They don't call him Odd-Bod for nothing...

Porky's Pies

Someone's got to have their pants on fire.

Our great leader, Cardinal Carp, says The School has agreed to give us a juicy, shiny, big new Union building.

LSE Massive's Andy F says they haven't. Either they aren't to build because they want students to stay living in the East grot-hole, or they're going to be a little short of cash due to the meltdown that Director Davies helped to happen.

Someone's telling porkies...

Hallet on the dole

Will anyone employ The Baron? Now his dodgy SU employment is over he'll either have to get a job in the employment minefield created by the 'Great Crunch' or go on the dole.

Unless the powers that be choose to employ him permanently to haunt out Union?

No one else should bother to apply - you won't get the job unless you know the 'bosses' anyway...

We're in the London Student this week

So check it out y'all.

The reporter thinks we're shit now. Well maybe they're shit, and just trying to cover it up by saying other, equally credible, news reporters - like us - are shit.

What a shit.

Direct quote from Hack Attack II...

'Nadeem was quickly fingered...'


If anyone knows who did this, please let us know.

Each to his own, I suppose...

The Holy Land

Some 'white boy from Essex' wants to become Sheik of PalSoc.


May Allah be on your side Sir. You may well need some irrational faith to aid you in your quest.

Gonna miss me?

Some of you are probably already thinking about buying your farewell gifts, writing sweet notes and baking bye-bye brownies to say thank you to this year's Awesome Foursome for the wonderful achievements that they will possibly make this year.

Hold on a moment...

Sounds like they are all going to stay on for another year.

Bugger.