Timeless Students

That all important prize at the end of each year; every hacks dream of dreams: Honorary Studentship.

This year's bunch of Head Hack Homiez have decided to be rid of the in-house corruption that was rampant in this secret decision process. Not so secret is that there's one sole award for the Meeja Whores, and sounds like the Exec's imagination has found one lucky candidate only: Miss Horny Gorny.

Congrats to you!

Seems a bit unfair to only have one for the Media Hacks. Afterall, they've allocated 13 places for the production team of Timeless...

Wanted: returning officer, preferably one who won't quit right before the busiest bit of the year

Panic in the streets today as Ossified Fikret, moments after announcing (the joy!) another C&S by-election nominations closed, sent the Exec, C&S and various hangers-on into a tizz by giving the impression that he no longer wanted to do the Returning Officer job.

Cue new C&S chair AliAgnethaBenniBjornAni-Frids wandering the Quad offering the position to people seemingly at random - ex-UGM chair Joe Meadway turned it down, and James Sausage didn't seem to keen to take up the post, despite having previous.

The question of course is why anyone would want to do the job - particularly since it would rule them out of running in any elections this term...

And as a note to Mr Fikret, if you do want to step down, take a leaf out of the Beancounter's book and do it via impassioned cry for Openness! Progress! Being Nice! at the UGM.

Under the radar

The occupation may have ended, but let us please reflect on this juicy petition that some IsraeliSocs, presumably, created to remove them filthy, smelly protestors out of the Old Theatre in double-quick time.

Many people have signed it; a look down the list seems the names of Alex Rodin, Sam Cohen, and Mr Ehud "I LOVE ISRAELI APARTHEID" Olmert (from Ayreshire). Mr Olmert has quite an extreme view on the occupation of the Old Theatre. He tells us:

"I am a fucker and a racist like most of my country man cos i believe that Palestine should be Jewish and all non-Jews should be ethnically cleansed... that is what I am doing in Gaza - kill em all!"

Oh Mr Olmert, you've upset me now!

Emmanuel's C*n*ervative Future

What does Edward Welfare like to do after gloriously defending a woman's right to choose?

He likes to sit down with a nice chap from Conservative Future (or 'Young Tories' in the years Before Dave) to chat about how best to get people to register to vote in the European elections, and how to defend ourselves against ID cards.

The result? The Tories won't associate with any anti-BNP campaign unless it describes the fascists as a 'far left' party. Seriously.

And lest we forget, this is Edward 'courted by the SWP at the end of last year' Welfare who's now bringing the Tories on board for the ID card campaign.

Just the sort of behaviour to get yourself re-elected...

To live, or not to live?

Just seen on Houghton Street:

Obi Akpan getting in a tizz about the pro-lifers from HELL! (They are holding fetuses of various sizes whilst sporting full motorcycle clad after all).

Photographers and students alike are having a field day.

As the Obama Express pulls into Washington, retracing the steps of Abraham Lincoln and breaking new ground in the field of vomit-raising mawkish imagery, and as the Old Theatre gains a certain fug in the air that really lets you know that it's been occupied for three days now, let's drag our eyes away and gawp over a few names being bandied around for Sabb elections this term...

Ed Welfare
Ruby Buckley - mooncups a-go-go from the current women's officer
Lizzie Merrow- L/G/B/T/self-defined sexuality so like well not in a lettered box so you can't define me
Helen Roberts - lost last year's residences officers' race. Whinged. Had Emma Swimming-With-The-Fischer offed. Is now residences officer. Don't cross her.
Fart-hil Barking Mad - latest rumours have him running for Ed Welfare. Apparently is all for the abortion fund, and 8/10 students said they would rather talk to him about their problems than their own mother.

Treasurer
Smelle Dodd - playing the legacy of hair card, hopes her heritage of curls carrying on from Meyer and Barber will play well with an electorate who will struggle to know who she is
Sophie De La Catessen - AU prez, newly elected to Court and Council, and presumably a shoe-in for whatever she choses to run for. So why not go for a job where you don't actually have to do anything, like

GenSec
Where, since Squeezy-Peas let it be known he wasn't running, the current Supreme Leader looks to set to run unopposed ad infinitum, or at least ad constitutionalamendmentum...

Occupation alert!!!

If you think that Israel's occupation of Palestine is abhorrent, and that the pending military control of Gaza is wholly unacceptable, then think of how the poor LSE Security staff must be feeling that a cartel of Hamas sympathisers have occupied their Old Theatre! An initial communication from inside the battle zone reads as follows:

"Occupation in Old Theatre established in protest against LSE investment in firms that arm Israel. We will win. Please join."

Thanks for the invite...I'll pass.

Knowing exactly when they will have won is as yet unclear, however, what we do know is that it must surely be a damn sight harder to win whilst sitting down than standing. It seems they are either nobly handicapping themselves to give LSE Security a fighting chance or are simply too lazy. It is predicted this will be a staring battle of brutal attrition.

Don't expect to see too many off-target mortars in this one...

I would have had to kill you once you read the unedited version...

That shadowy board of people (the exec minus some) responsible for the legal well-being of the Union take their job very seriously - they are, as they will insist on reminding you should you be silly enough to ask, right in the firing line should the Union fuck up enough to actually end up in court. Accordingly, they cloak themselves in secrecy, so much so that they occasionally keep things secret from each other.

And now the shadowy dealings take a step up, with a meeting scheduled and a room booked, but a special request lodged with the school that it doesn't show up on the online listing or the sheet outside the door. What could they possibly be doing in there?

Position vacant

Now that the inevitable UGM motion pottymouthing Israel has been submitted, the pressing question is of course who will step up to the UGM chair/plate and save the Middle East? Can that guy who looks like Alan from Conferences really be the one to deliver a stable two-state solution? Will that chap who sat next to him all last term decide he can handle a roadmap better than he can take minutes? Someone must guide us through these troubled waters of secret ballots, stamps on the door and irritatingly restricted access.

Shelbod has been spinning like mad saying it'll be a damp squib, uncontested, unnecessary given motions already passed, and a cockthrobbingly narcissistic compassion wank on the part of the motion's first proposer. But then, he would say that wouldn't he.

Separated at birth...

One is a Blackberry addicted newshound who would keep conversations with his own grandmother on the record, the other is an ovoid-headed, Minelli-wedding, Jackson-friending, closeted oddball. But whom is whom? (grammar)

'Tis a shame the post had to be pulled

Any eagle-eyed Hack Attack readers might have noticed a disappearing post over the weekend. The flabbaticals are well touchy about a certain policy, much shouted about at election time, and now apparently top secret.

So top secret in fact, that they decided not to bother telling the Exec about it, and presented a decision to them at the meeting of Union trustees. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

It is hard to stay on meesage when you're not told what the message is, and as a result, the whole thing is leaking out of every Union orifice imaginable. Ask an Exec member if you really want to know...

In a job, out of a job

Sounds like we're gonna have ourselves a hot n' steamy Comms. race next term.

Bush-hugging, communist beaver diver, Mikhiel Trees is lining himself up, running on a ticket of socialist propaganda. Also, ex-Fuhrer Fart-hil ill baker is attracted by the £26k again (the only people that will employ him now is SU reception) and is looking at a couple of sabb options. He'll probably be just as incompetent, tho at least he might listen to his students...

But wait a minute, SHOCK SHOCK HORROR!!!!!!!, what's that?! A codes of praccy amend to only allow sabbers in the job for ONE TERM? Surely not; it's too unfair on the economy to let those 4 lose into the job market during these rocky times...

That could really fuck up their party.

Hatin' Bacon

So, all you dedicated Hack Attack followers, how many of you is Bacon not talking to at the moment? How many of you are getting yourself in a tizz because he might not have said hello to you in the Quad once? How many of you are convinced that his thinking that we don't need referendums is a personal attack on you? And how many of you answering yes are on the exec?

Having seen a few emails and heard a few conversations, the level of anti-Bacon solidarity on the exec is certainly impressive (stay on message guys...), but there seems a fine line between this and victimisation and bullying. I'm sure the honourable parties involved will stay on the right side of it, and that we can forget this whole petty, spiteful business after Thursday.

SOAS feminists are better than their LSE equalvents...

...at least at creating anti-beauty pageant chants anyway.

At this year's Miss LSE - the wonderful, charity fund-raising event, where ladies who know how to have a bit of fun let their hair down and entertain a welcoming crowd - the anti-beauty contingent had these among their chants:

"Women are sex objects, object!"

"LSE not Misogamy!"

Come on guys and girls, a group of lazy, weed-smoking, hole-in-trouser wearing, poor excuses for students could do better than that. And indeed, SOAS did:

"SOAS is for education,
not for you're ejaculation!"

Quite who was thinking about ejaculating over SOAS, I don't know. But it is a rather good chant.

"Welcom to Imperial - the student experience"

Apparently Imperial's student experience is the same as a Channel 4 'Schools' TV programme from the 90s...