The Many Faces of Imnot Fubar

1. The Kumoront: 'cause early bird gets the worm. Except Gaddafi's donation was over a year ago and he only just found out about it.

Left vs Centre

The election season is upon us once again.

Silence on Hack Attack does not mean that all has been well with the Union this year. Let us start by recalling the bygone days of the Fishy Dildo Show; while the writer laments the days of his tyrannical rampages on the UGM stages. Instead we have tyrannical rampages of another kind, but not from our esteemed GenSec, Lotte Get-a-radar, but from her snuggle-buddy, Imnot Fubar.

Fubar is a man of dedication and passion, so much of the two that he single-handedly alienated 95% of the student body within a month of coming into office. Bravo sweetheart, that must be a new record.

Never fear, if you never engaged with these chaps before, you have the option of continuing the status quo with the upcoming elections, since almost all races have a candidate from Fubar's camp. On the other hand, you get the other extreme with all these eager Yanks wanting to represent each and every one of you...

Under new ownership

We're back... just in time to save the Union from destruction.

Those look-a-likes in full...

Dear Sir,

Having spent the past few years in the Students' Union, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between some of our current hacks, and other well known persons. I would be grateful if you could make your readers aware of this.

Yours,
Stew Dant Union

Morley - Lunat

Tindale - Hallett

Girijashanker - Bakeer Markar

Townsend - Gruffalo

Connell - Sheldon

The 3rd Annual Hack Attack Awards

Winners in bold.

The Luke I am Your Father Award - not awarded on the night due to technical difficulties

• Suraj “Awesome” Gurjaskanker – Fadhil Bakeer Markar Jnr.
• Jack “The Machine” Tindale – Andy Hallett/Simon from Alpha Books
• Mohammed “Triple M” Morley – Ziyaad Lunat
• Ollie “Peter” Townsend – The Gruffalo
• Adam Connell – Sheldon c. 2005

Creepiest Candidate Award

• Scott “I’m Loving It” McDonald
• Nik ADHDia
• Ollie “Missing Link” Townsend
• Chris “I have a lovely leather jacket” O’Brien

The Leathal Weapon “I’m too old for this shit” Award - not awarded due to killjoys

• Sam “STD” Tempest-Keeping
• Ollie Tunsend - is he actually a 3^rd year?
• Dan “Mandelson” Sheldon
• Jonathan Frewin – Treasurer from 1999
• Aled “Dildo” Fisher – five years and going strong
• Fadhil “Brains” Bakeer-Markar

Worst/Best Slogan Award - not awarded due to killjoys

• Wright Choice – Andrew Wright
• “Have it your way” – Paul Rees Jones
• A-Shok to the system – Ashok Kumar
• Glyn-it Bang – Charlie Glyn
• SU-raj
  
• Lez Save the World – Annais Nourry

Worst Video / Most Beyonce Copyright Infringement - Worst. Video. Ever.

• Charlie Glyn’s Bob Dylan
  Charlotte Calling – cringeworthy
• Vote no to 2, 3 and 9… I mean 4,6,9 ….. 5,7,10
• Andrew Wright/Nik Adhia’s Nike Advert - taken down due to copyright infringement! Booo!

Arthur Krebbers Memorial Award for Most Shameless Act

• Rob Charred-Cock’s fake run
• Scott “Supersize” MacDonland signing the Islamic Society letter re: Pankhurst
• Ollie Townsend’s pander to the left
• Michael “Yale” Lok – no shame
• Andrew “Doing it for the fit” Wright – for starting his campaign in the womb

Most inflated CV Award - not awarded due to killjoys

• Andrew “5^th Sabb” Wright
• “Dick” Adhia – Experience you can trust
• Ashok “to the cistern” Kumar
  

Worst Photo - technical difficulties again

• STK’s
• Andrew “Ian” Wright
• Paul Rees Jones’ Year 6 School picture
• Ollie “I didn’t touch your children” Townsend

The Who the Fuck are You Award - not awarded due to killjoys

• Muhammed Sadiq
• Katya “Doing it for the fit” Korniolva
• Adam “Sheldon” Connell
  Dan “5000 votes strong” Kacinski
  

The Steve Wall “What The Fuck” Award - not awarded... you know the score.

• Dan “Yes, him again” Kucinski
• Shanti “Mumsnet” Keleman
• Tindale’s One Armed Plank
• Talib for AU Pres – “I don’t drink”
• James Sausage’s pole dancing girlfriend
• B “Nutter” for Democracy – Yellow trousers, ketamine and fags. (as per last year)

Best Complaint Award

• Complaint to Pulse for alleging Hero has a substance abuse problem
  

The Andy Hallett Memorial Laziest Candidate Award

• Jack Tindale
• Bennedict “Ket & Fags”
• STK
• Hack Attack itself
  

Joel Kenrick Memorial Speech Of The Year Award

• Reagan’s speech to Islamic Society
• Michael Lok’s “I’m power hungry”
• Ben Grabiner at Pal Soc
• Mo Morley, Mo Problems – Chinny chin chin
• Dan Kac-chumpsky
  

James Sausage Memorial Killjoy of the Year Award (Formerly known as the James Ketteringham Killjoy of the Year Award)

• Whoever wrote that fucking election night schedule
• Whoever objected to banana munching at LGBT hustings
• James “Britney” Sausage
• Jessie “20, from East London” Robinson – banning the Sun
  

The “Hack Attack Pities You” Award

• Shibhani “Mahtani – still going out with Seph Brown
• Scott “Big Mac” MacDonald
• Emma Clewer Womens’ Officer candidate – has a phobia of chalk
• Chris O-C Biscuit

The Unfair Advantage Award

• Hero’s name

Hack Attack’s Hack of the Year - prize of tea & biscuits left uncollected in Quad

• Jack Tindale for:
• One armed plank
• Comments like ‘awesome-o’, ‘clique of one’, ‘internships give you cancer’, ‘for those of you who give a toss… quite literally’, ‘question for the woman on top’
• Tindale inviting returning officers into his room at Bankside

Special Mention to Michael Lok - prize of monkey nuts left uncollected in Quad.

Thank you & goodnight.

Just like Polly(H)annah

Once upon a time, in a land far away there was a girl. Every morning she woke up with bright shiny eyes and a spring in her step.

"Good Morning Room.

Good Morning Sunshine.

Good Morning Mummy and Daddy.

Good Morning Land Rover.

Good Morning World.

Today we're going to save the environment. It's going to be so totally amazing!"

And so she got ready for another day.

All this girl really wanted was to rid the Students' Union of waste and unethical practices. But the mean Returning Officer said she had to run an election campaign to do it... (boo hiss)

So she picked some fake flowers and made sure there was no leather in her wardrobe and dazzled all of the mean spirited future Investment Bankers of LSE and that kiddies, is how Pollyanna won the E&E race.

Now look. If no-one is running against you, there are two things you can do.

1) sit back and wait for your pay check.

2) show the whole of lse that you do only know about sports and bugger all about any of the other aspects of the job.

Turns out the Glyn-ger one chose..............

like it matters...

So while we wait patiently for election fever (which may never come given how horrifically dull all the candidates are) the sordid tales of sexual favours for votes, violence in the polling booths and the obligatory reporting of Hack Attack to the Rewinding Officer, we couldn't help noticing that the wannaBeavers had some elections.

The only wins to tickle our fancy were Disandolo tickets for KimKim and RhiRhi, Corporal 'Cardigans make me Wetz', and like that bad case of thrush you've never quite been able to shake, STK has dipped his wick in just about the only clean bit of LSE that was left.

And hey, if none of them leave your pulse racing, there's always standard Shoreditch Dandy Thorpe to get you going.

It must be my birthday or something...

Fadhil Bakeer-Markar (for it is he) took a few moments out from 'reclaiming the union' to put his nomination form in for Welfare & Community. Only, he didn't. He got someone else to, pretended it was him & got disqualified. Or something.

Anyway, who cares. The important thing is - he's not running! Praised be the day.

Un-Lok-Ing barriers, to shame.

Oh dear, today we lament a great loss to the LSESU.

Nadeem Saumtally, Beaker, you've been known by many names, but today you've had to pass on your title of 'Disgraced Former Chair of C&S'.

If you feel you need any form of guidance, bereavement counselling, etc, Hack Attack is, as always, here to help.

Overheard at LSE

Which Flabbatical was so outraged at a former conquest's refusal to jump on the newspaper burning bandwagon that he just couldn't keep his bruce banner impression under wraps? (well from her facebook inbox at least)

Sweetie, maybe you do need a holiday. We've even picked one out for you. All expenses paid! By your salary that is.

Runners and riders...

Electi-what? Sabba-who?

It's that time again. With the fall of Akpan-Fisher regime in sight, which 'ordinary' students think £28k is a fair price for a year of abuse and rapid weight gain. Taking our finger off the 'Ignore Friend Request' button for a minute, we'll outline the candidates for the upcoming elections. Not the non-sabb ones, though, cos who cares?

GenSex
Charlotte 'Makes-Me' Harder - "charity is great! students are great! yay! charlotte is great! yay" - sneak preview of the manifesto, there.
Rob 'Charred' Cock - 25% pay-cut, eh? He'll be regretting that in a few months! With Mr. BeerCan and STDeepend on his team, how can he lose?! (Hint: by taking their advice).

AU Sabb (Sorry, Activities and Development)
Charlie Gym - is anybody else seriously thinking about running? Seriously? I think even RON is thinking about pulling out of this one.

Minister for Social Affairs and Citizenship (MoSaC)
Hero 'Stole Cold' Austin - running on a clear 'green' ticket.
Olly 'Peter' Townsend - running on a clear 'banter' ticket.

Education, Education, Education
Andrew 'Ian' Wright - going for the 'I know more than you approach' only works if you're standing against a club promoter.
'Griff' Rhys Jones - Oh.

Not yet declared:
The Fadhil-Sheldon 'Dream Ticket'
The Token Lefty
The 'Reza 4 Caliphate Officer' Campaign

ScottWatch

In a new feature on HackAttack, we'll be charting the progress of the our favourite Hizb-excusing, iCan-iCan't-iMaybe LGBT Officer in his abortive run for sabb.

This week, Scatt has been trying to get his manifesto together.

Wall of #fail

Robin Low iCan Vot Yes
Shibani Mahtani but you can't spell vote, apparently?

Save Lsesu NUMBERS OF REFORMS BACK TO 3, 4 AND 9. 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349....yes we know this takes the piss.
Shanti Kelemen Excuse me - you ASKED me to change it back.

Ashok Kumar yo yo LSE peeps remember to VOTE NO on ref questions 3, 4, and 9: https://elections.lse.ac.uk/elections/voter/login to preserve student union autonomy and democracy.
Seth Eappen i just voted yes on all 3
Mehul Khakhkhar yeah, me too.

Discover ISoc

Eager Beavers you are.

You're hardly our Mr. Right, but we give you props for starting the endorsement race for a position that doesn't exist yet. Beware young Padwan, your competition was fasting today in efforts to bid for their love.