LSESU grad. scheme

Have you left university recently and found yourself unemployed because you forgot that in the real world you need a job?

Never fear, the LSESU is here to help!

Baron Andrew Hallibut XXIV is on a two week placement learning how to teach master's students how to fill in an Oyster student discount form. Reports say he has never been seen happier talking to the working classes.

And if you couldn't get a job elsewhere this year but are still in education, the SU has that covered too!

The chumps hired Fart-hil and BeerCan in a rather shady, streamlined recruitment selection process.

Send all applications to The Head Fisherman. No need to wait for vacancies; an over-paid position will be created for you.

Hiya!

To those who missed not being able to function for the spine-shivering anticipation that these notes bought you, this Hack-a-soppy-pup missed you too. Not out of affection, but for the warm, daily glow your errors bought to scores about campus.

To those who are new about town, stick about. It's gonna be super fun!

And to those cheap, copy-cat bastards who thought they'd take it upon themselves to build 'Hack Attack 2' in this Hack-a-siesta's absence: Jesus has a message for you downstairs. Hack Attack doubts very much that your weblog will be "more subtle and more well-written" based upon your so far feeble attempts of using a keyboard. Good luck in "presenting humourous satirical without descending into childish name calling." This Hack-a-buildo is not in the business of having his 'mistakes' pointed out by a quality of tongue so low.



Learn how to write, yea?

Guess who's back?

SU101 - Introduction to modern hackery

The first lesson of Hack School is: do not live with other hacks. Unfortunately, three silly undergraduates skipped this lecture and have decided to shack up together next year.

Ms Buckley, Mr Brown and Ms Cooke: expect some poor reports on LSEforYou.

'Whack that in your cool box!'

And so, no sooner were the elections over, the jostling for position for next's Sabbs ensues...

The Bacon-Brown Pact that warmed the cockles of this Hack-a-ha-ha may have been extended to a Brown-Merrie-Cookie-Bacon Pact. Despite the fact that this potential union sounds like a flavour of Ben 'n' Jerry's, the group could work fantabulously well. Or it could be really, really shit.

The the wannabes might do well to postpone any such jostling. You never know what able candidate PakSoc might push forward.

It's a long, burning road ahead.

Where did he go wrong?

Was it when he decided to do a bit of light reading in the library?

Was it when he decided to sit near the victim?

Was it when he nipped onto said victim's PC to alter their vote?

Was it when he mis-spelt the word 'cahnge' on the vote alteration email in a suspiciously frenzied fashion?

Was it when he deleted the new vote from the 'Sent' box?

Was it when it escaped him that said victim knew that he was one of the only people on the planet who knew what their previous vote was?

(Well, thanking the victim sarcastically for their vote pretty much gave the game away...)

Was it that he was one of the only people to know that said victim was eligible to vote in the RAG elections?

Was it when he gave ridiculous, yet measured responses to accusations of foul play by said victim?

Or was it when Lezzie Moaner blew his alibi?

Ben Philips Philips Ben Ben Philips...the Hack Attack's limited conscience despairs.

An apology

Over the past few weeks, readers of Hack Attack may have been under the impression that Ben Phillips was a careerist, cheating, Tory with a penchant for very poor campaign slogans. We now realise this was all completely untrue, and apologise for any damage we have caused to Mr Phillips' reputation. By way of compensation, Hack Attack has agreed to make a donation to Mr Phillips' favourite charity, the John Howard Beneveloent Fund for Out-of-Work Politicians.

HA

We're back

The mukier details of the previous post's temporary closure shall be revealed in good time.

It's a shame it was censored - the scribbling doubled our hits!

GAG him senseless

Isn't charity meant to be filled with kind hearted, generous, and just plain nice souls?

Apparently, the desire to be at the top of the RAG tree has produced behaviour normally witnessed in underhanded, role-stuffing Tory MP-wannabes.

The race for GAG President president has been marred by sly and dastardly (though admittedly original) behaviour from our favourite ex-British prisoner migrant Ben Philips Philips Ben Ben Philips (did he mention his name was Ben Philips?). The proxy system was sabotaged by Philips, not by use of shrimp, BBQ or cork hats, but by jumping on to unsuspecting students Outlook whilst they nipped off to the bog - to do whatever it is people do there - and sending in proxy votes for himself in their name. Hack Attack has no idea how many people he mugged off in this manner, but a good estimate might maybe be 57, or possibly even 142.

The disgraced Oz-bag has also reported cheated in a number of other ways. Perhaps by locking groups of 20 or so in S08 and forcing them at tong-point to vote for him, whilst hypnotising them with ancient Aboriginal calls? Or by simply annoying people (thought to be his preferred tactic).

Ben 'mental trousers' Jones was also running for the position, but didn't commit any political crime, just those againsto fashion in general.

Normally when people cheat in elections the guilty are disqualified. But because the RAG lot are so charitable, they've offered to give Philips a second shot.

Charity should not extend to the dogs that bit the hand...

How many members of C&S does it take to count less than 150 people?

All of them.

C&S' first test arrose yeasterday...and they royally ballsed it up. If only Baron Hallibut XXIV was there.

The UGM had been on the cards for weeks, and yet no-one had thought to do those silly, little 'organising' and 'preparing' things. Fah-far-away-somewhere-dil just thought he'd go ahead and start the meeting without a chair, or vice chair. Technically, he raped the Constitution; Ketters is pressing charges. Loud mouth Lu-lu instigated the verification count. After attempts to pull innocent members of the LSE public off the street, the meeting eventually died, as everyone there with an ounce of sense realised that it was embaressing and generally crap. This hack-a-boardo went home to dust his 1:20 scale airfix re-incactment of Stalingrad. Now that is a productive use of time; no one like dust.

That's 45 minutes you'll never get back.

Hallett for homos

Andy "H" Hallett, clearly unsatisfied with the female species, has turned his mind to Grecian matters during this Olypmic season.

Check out Andy's new Gaydar profile if you're interested. Apparently he likes art, good food and.. er... guys cuming on his face.

Best. PEB. Ever.

Party Election Broadcasts are always a highlight of the vote-grabbing season. Who can forget Kinnock: The Movie, Natural Law's yoga hopping or the Clinton 3AM call?

But now the "UKIP Plus" English Democrats, fronted by part time superhero Matt O'Connor, has taken the PEBiscuit with a classic broadcast for the mayoralty. Comedy cock-er-nees, heartwarming music and emotive imagery - it has it all! Highlight is 2:50 in... I won't spoilt it!



Extraordinarily, the party seems to think this is a sensible comparison....



And this a good, not-xenophobic-at-all idea for a billboard poster!



P.S. Normal LSE-centric coverage returns soon... unless any more of our hacks decide to stand for the London Assembly.

I think I fancy you...Boris!

This hack-a-gibber-mouth wonders how much the Johnson campaign had to do with this..?

Do some revision

.. but before you do, have a gander at this cringeworthy Green Party video featuring a certain Mr. Dildo-is-Fishy:



Note how it is filmed at Dalston Market - not really the usual market of choice for the Green Party voters of North London (unless they are doing a spot of poverty tourism, of course!). This Hack reckons Aled should pop down to Stoke Newington for some organic venison... he's looking a bit pale on this video. If Sian "doing it for the fit" Berry fancies a bit of meat, I'm sure the Feather Hustler would oblige...

The return of the Wall

Lost a Gen Sec race? Bored with revision? No whiskey nights to berate vacuous shits? Why not audition to be a Daily Mail columnist by voicing your reactionary opinions on a blog?

Click here to read Steve 'Lend us a fiver' Wall in all his unadulterated, no-holes-barred, cab driver glory. Feast on his opinions about immigrants, Muslim head dress, Labour, The Guardian, political correctness and 'diversity'!

A welcome addition to the blogosphere, I'm sure you'll agree...