like it matters...

So while we wait patiently for election fever (which may never come given how horrifically dull all the candidates are) the sordid tales of sexual favours for votes, violence in the polling booths and the obligatory reporting of Hack Attack to the Rewinding Officer, we couldn't help noticing that the wannaBeavers had some elections.

The only wins to tickle our fancy were Disandolo tickets for KimKim and RhiRhi, Corporal 'Cardigans make me Wetz', and like that bad case of thrush you've never quite been able to shake, STK has dipped his wick in just about the only clean bit of LSE that was left.

And hey, if none of them leave your pulse racing, there's always standard Shoreditch Dandy Thorpe to get you going.

It must be my birthday or something...

Fadhil Bakeer-Markar (for it is he) took a few moments out from 'reclaiming the union' to put his nomination form in for Welfare & Community. Only, he didn't. He got someone else to, pretended it was him & got disqualified. Or something.

Anyway, who cares. The important thing is - he's not running! Praised be the day.

Un-Lok-Ing barriers, to shame.

Oh dear, today we lament a great loss to the LSESU.

Nadeem Saumtally, Beaker, you've been known by many names, but today you've had to pass on your title of 'Disgraced Former Chair of C&S'.

If you feel you need any form of guidance, bereavement counselling, etc, Hack Attack is, as always, here to help.

Overheard at LSE

Which Flabbatical was so outraged at a former conquest's refusal to jump on the newspaper burning bandwagon that he just couldn't keep his bruce banner impression under wraps? (well from her facebook inbox at least)

Sweetie, maybe you do need a holiday. We've even picked one out for you. All expenses paid! By your salary that is.

Runners and riders...

Electi-what? Sabba-who?

It's that time again. With the fall of Akpan-Fisher regime in sight, which 'ordinary' students think £28k is a fair price for a year of abuse and rapid weight gain. Taking our finger off the 'Ignore Friend Request' button for a minute, we'll outline the candidates for the upcoming elections. Not the non-sabb ones, though, cos who cares?

GenSex
Charlotte 'Makes-Me' Harder - "charity is great! students are great! yay! charlotte is great! yay" - sneak preview of the manifesto, there.
Rob 'Charred' Cock - 25% pay-cut, eh? He'll be regretting that in a few months! With Mr. BeerCan and STDeepend on his team, how can he lose?! (Hint: by taking their advice).

AU Sabb (Sorry, Activities and Development)
Charlie Gym - is anybody else seriously thinking about running? Seriously? I think even RON is thinking about pulling out of this one.

Minister for Social Affairs and Citizenship (MoSaC)
Hero 'Stole Cold' Austin - running on a clear 'green' ticket.
Olly 'Peter' Townsend - running on a clear 'banter' ticket.

Education, Education, Education
Andrew 'Ian' Wright - going for the 'I know more than you approach' only works if you're standing against a club promoter.
'Griff' Rhys Jones - Oh.

Not yet declared:
The Fadhil-Sheldon 'Dream Ticket'
The Token Lefty
The 'Reza 4 Caliphate Officer' Campaign

ScottWatch

In a new feature on HackAttack, we'll be charting the progress of the our favourite Hizb-excusing, iCan-iCan't-iMaybe LGBT Officer in his abortive run for sabb.

This week, Scatt has been trying to get his manifesto together.

Wall of #fail

Robin Low iCan Vot Yes
Shibani Mahtani but you can't spell vote, apparently?

Save Lsesu NUMBERS OF REFORMS BACK TO 3, 4 AND 9. 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349....yes we know this takes the piss.
Shanti Kelemen Excuse me - you ASKED me to change it back.

Ashok Kumar yo yo LSE peeps remember to VOTE NO on ref questions 3, 4, and 9: https://elections.lse.ac.uk/elections/voter/login to preserve student union autonomy and democracy.
Seth Eappen i just voted yes on all 3
Mehul Khakhkhar yeah, me too.

Discover ISoc

Eager Beavers you are.

You're hardly our Mr. Right, but we give you props for starting the endorsement race for a position that doesn't exist yet. Beware young Padwan, your competition was fasting today in efforts to bid for their love.

Dear Palsoc, a little more time in classes might do you good.

In line with the approaching Right to Educatin week in week 9, the LSESU Palestine Society have proposed a motion to twin LSESU with the Islamic University of Gaza, which was heavily damaged by the IDF assault on the Gaza strip at the beginning of this year and the Israeli imposed blockade, which prevents building materials and medical supplies from getting in. Come and vote and participate in the debate!

All Wright?

STKunt is right on one count though - too many Wrights make a wrong. OK, so you wanna be a Sabb. We get it already!

Still, can't find anyone to say anything bad about Drew Warieghmore. Neither could this Attacker find anyone to say anything positive either. At last, we have found the pH 7.0 of student politics!

Is it just me or is everything a bit shit?

Crappy Beavers, boring UGMs, sub-prime events, third-division candidates... can this year get any more dire if it tried?

But have no fear. It's been a long long summer but your sac-er-red Queen is back to challenge the hegemony of STK-line.

And what a poor imitation his Art Attack blog is, although it does at least look lovely thanks to his fuckbuddy in the Beaver office. Still, it's nice for him to have another outlet, as clearly two Beaver EdBoard positions, 464.5 jobs and a joint Masters isn't enough for the long lost Gallagher brother.

All round to Oddbods for some mandy and stella?

So after pissing away all their cash on expense accounts and hummus there's just no cash left for the look at me look at me fest that is the meeedja awards.

word is that big Sanj is in the Gash office right now screaming "sell everything" right down to Gullets glasses.
Meanwhile at Pulse Fakeon and Rob 'what not to wear' Charnock are setting out a business model for a male escort service to fund proceedings while Joseph Fuck them all just sits shaking with his head in his hands calling out for his mummy.

TT wonders what rat infested wetherspoons will be hosting the event? or will it be Yates'? Quad maybe?
Still, there's those PulseDJs to look forward to. Man i love that MGMT song! maybe they'll drop some Dizzee just to mix it up?

The Dark Night

The Penguin has gone to kill The Batman.

I love cocks!

Those Hack Attack Awards in full...

The Look-a-Like Award

1. Michael Deas - A homeless man
2. Chris Gully’s Hair – Like Andy Hallet
3. Helen Roberts – Vicky Pollard
4. George Wetz – Nicolas Holt
5. Aled Fisher – Lego man hair cut

Worst Slogan Award

1. Un-Lok-ing Barriers – Michael Lok
2. Your mum would vote for me. – Chris Westgarth
3. In Rob We Trust – Robin Low
4. Women not Profit – Anna kobbablahblah
5. Internationally yours – Suraj
6. Not a racist (unused) – Ben Jones

Arthur Krebbers Memorial Award for Most Shameless Act

1. Sausage – It’s Britney Bitch
2. Barton emailing the whole IR Dept. and putting his face on money
3. Emmanual and Helen – Halls Emails/Safety Booklet
4. Seph Brown brown-nosing – Brown’s Brownies

Best/Worst Pun

1. “The only Brown you can trust with you money – Brown
2. “Vote for Ruby, touch her booby!” – Ruby Buckley
3. “Let’s talk about Wetz baby, let’s talk about you & me” - Wetz

Worst Designed Campaign Material

1. Sausage’s ad-hoc posters
2. Gully’s Lol-cats

Shadiest Deal Award

1. Dan Sheldon’s fake run
2. The 'Sausage-Barton Pact'

The Steve Wall “What The Fuck” Award

1. Aled winning Jewish/Israel Soc vote
2. James Sausage
3. Halls hustings
4. B Anti-Racism – Yellow trousers, ketamine and fags.

The Andy Hallett Memorial Laziest Candidate Award

1. Alfred Kovaci
2. Joe Coney
3. Daniel Jasons
4. Emmanuel
5 Gully – For bringing out his t-shirts from the dye too quick so it looked like hippy 70’s “tie-dye”

Fittest Campaign Team

1. Wetz
2. Rub
3. Helen

Joel Kenrick Memorial Speech Of The Year Award

1. Deas – “When this School was founded in 1859…”
2. Aled – “I’m queer…” to LGBT

Comment of the Year Award

1. Ben Jones “Seph Brown was a shit Anti-Racism Officer”
2. Seph Brown “The global Ummah”
3. Wetz "Whether it’s long nights inside the Beaver…” (with hand motion)

James Ketteringham Memorial Killjoy of the Year Award

1. Arther Lo and Prakhar – Hack Attack 2
2. Sausage (again) – general behaviour

Best Hack Attack Alias

1. Peter Fart-on/Mass-debater/Peter Bar-tab
2. Sephillis
3. Eh-man-you-well?
4. Ossie Fuckwit

Best Campaign Moment

1. None, ‘cos it was shit
2. The looks on Seph’s face when he saw the bean tin.

Worst Colour Clash

1. All those in yellow
2. All those in orange

Voters’ Turn-off award

1. “Big” Ed from Gully’s Campaign – just NO
2. Seph Brown’s fuzzy bum-fluff

The “Hack Attack Pities You” Award

1. Seph Brown – 58 crap rhymes to vote Brown
2. James Sausage