Hack Attack!

The Many Faces of Imnot Fubar

2011-02-25T01:20:00.001Z

1. The Kumoront: 'cause early bird gets the worm. Except Gaddafi's donation was over a year ago and he only just found out about it.

Left vs Centre

2011-02-25T00:19:00.005Z

The election season is upon us once again.

Silence on Hack Attack does not mean that all has been well with the Union this year. Let us start by recalling the bygone days of the Fishy Dildo Show; while the writer laments the days of his tyrannical rampages on the UGM stages. Instead we have tyrannical rampages of another kind, but not from our esteemed GenSec, Lotte Get-a-radar, but from her snuggle-buddy, Imnot Fubar.

Fubar is a man of dedication and passion, so much of the two that he single-handedly alienated 95% of the student body within a month of coming into office. Bravo sweetheart, that must be a new record.

Never fear, if you never engaged with these chaps before, you have the option of continuing the status quo with the upcoming elections, since almost all races have a candidate from Fubar's camp. On the other hand, you get the other extreme with all these eager Yanks wanting to represent each and every one of you...

Under new ownership

2011-02-23T22:01:00.003Z

We're back... just in time to save the Union from destruction.

Those look-a-likes in full...

2010-03-11T16:00:00.008Z

Dear Sir,

Having spent the past few years in the Students' Union, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between some of our current hacks, and other well known persons. I would be grateful if you could make your readers aware of this.

Yours,
Stew Dant Union

Morley - Lunat

Tindale - Hallett

Girijashanker - Bakeer Markar

Townsend - Gruffalo

Connell - Sheldon

The 3rd Annual Hack Attack Awards

2010-03-05T00:58:00.009Z

Winners in bold.

The Luke I am Your Father Award - not awarded on the night due to technical difficulties

Suraj “Awesome” Gurjaskanker – Fadhil Bakeer Markar Jnr.
Jack “The Machine” Tindale – Andy Hallett/Simon from Alpha Books
Mohammed “Triple M” Morley – Ziyaad Lunat
Ollie “Peter” Townsend – The Gruffalo
Adam Connell – Sheldon c. 2005

Creepiest Candidate Award

Scott “I’m Loving It” McDonald
Nik ADHDia
Ollie “Missing Link” Townsend
Chris “I have a lovely leather jacket” O’Brien

The Leathal Weapon “I’m too old for this shit” Award - not awarded due to killjoys

Sam “STD” Tempest-Keeping
Ollie Tunsend - is he actually a 3^rd year?
Dan “Mandelson” Sheldon
Jonathan Frewin – Treasurer from 1999
Aled “Dildo” Fisher – five years and going strong
Fadhil “Brains” Bakeer-Markar

Worst/Best Slogan Award - not awarded due to killjoys

Wright Choice – Andrew Wright
“Have it your way” – Paul Rees Jones
A-Shok to the system – Ashok Kumar
Glyn-it Bang – Charlie Glyn
SU-raj
Lez Save the World – Annais Nourry

Worst Video / Most Beyonce Copyright Infringement - Worst. Video. Ever.

Charlie Glyn’s Bob Dylan
Charlotte Calling – cringeworthy
Vote no to 2, 3 and 9… I mean 4,6,9 ….. 5,7,10
Andrew Wright/Nik Adhia’s Nike Advert - taken down due to copyright infringement! Booo!

Arthur Krebbers Memorial Award for Most Shameless Act

Rob Charred-Cock’s fake run
Scott “Supersize” MacDonland signing the Islamic Society letter re: Pankhurst
Ollie Townsend’s pander to the left
Michael “Yale” Lok – no shame
Andrew “Doing it for the fit” Wright – for starting his campaign in the womb

Most inflated CV Award - not awarded due to killjoys

Andrew “5^th Sabb” Wright
“Dick” Adhia – Experience you can trust
Ashok “to the cistern” Kumar

Worst Photo - technical difficulties again

STK’s
Andrew “Ian” Wright
Paul Rees Jones’ Year 6 School picture
Ollie “I didn’t touch your children” Townsend

The Who the Fuck are You Award - not awarded due to killjoys

Muhammed Sadiq
Katya “Doing it for the fit” Korniolva
Adam “Sheldon” Connell
Dan “5000 votes strong” Kacinski

The Steve Wall “What The Fuck” Award - not awarded... you know the score.

Dan “Yes, him again” Kucinski
Shanti “Mumsnet” Keleman
Tindale’s One Armed Plank
Talib for AU Pres – “I don’t drink”
James Sausage’s pole dancing girlfriend
B “Nutter” for Democracy – Yellow trousers, ketamine and fags. (as per last year)

Best Complaint Award

Complaint to Pulse for alleging Hero has a substance abuse problem

The Andy Hallett Memorial Laziest Candidate Award

Jack Tindale
Bennedict “Ket & Fags”
STK
Hack Attack itself

Joel Kenrick Memorial Speech Of The Year Award

Reagan’s speech to Islamic Society
Michael Lok’s “I’m power hungry”
Ben Grabiner at Pal Soc
Mo Morley, Mo Problems – Chinny chin chin
Dan Kac-chumpsky

James Sausage Memorial Killjoy of the Year Award (Formerly known as the James Ketteringham Killjoy of the Year Award)

Whoever wrote that fucking election night schedule
Whoever objected to banana munching at LGBT hustings
James “Britney” Sausage
Jessie “20, from East London” Robinson – banning the Sun

The “Hack Attack Pities You” Award

Shibhani “Mahtani – still going out with Seph Brown
Scott “Big Mac” MacDonald
Emma Clewer Womens’ Officer candidate – has a phobia of chalk
Chris O-C Biscuit

The Unfair Advantage Award

Hero’s name

Hack Attack’s Hack of the Year - prize of tea & biscuits left uncollected in Quad

Jack Tindale for:
One armed plank
Comments like ‘awesome-o’, ‘clique of one’, ‘internships give you cancer’, ‘for those of you who give a toss… quite literally’, ‘question for the woman on top’
Tindale inviting returning officers into his room at Bankside

Special Mention to Michael Lok - prize of monkey nuts left uncollected in Quad.

Thank you & goodnight.

Just like Polly(H)annah

2010-03-01T19:31:00.002Z

Once upon a time, in a land far away there was a girl. Every morning she woke up with bright shiny eyes and a spring in her step.

"Good Morning Room.

Good Morning Sunshine.

Good Morning Mummy and Daddy.

Good Morning Land Rover.

Good Morning World.

Today we're going to save the environment. It's going to be so totally amazing!"

And so she got ready for another day.

All this girl really wanted was to rid the Students' Union of waste and unethical practices. But the mean Returning Officer said she had to run an election campaign to do it... (boo hiss)

So she picked some fake flowers and made sure there was no leather in her wardrobe and dazzled all of the mean spirited future Investment Bankers of LSE and that kiddies, is how Pollyanna won the E&E race.

2010-02-28T23:39:00.002Z

Now look. If no-one is running against you, there are two things you can do.

1) sit back and wait for your pay check.

2) show the whole of lse that you do only know about sports and bugger all about any of the other aspects of the job.

Turns out the Glyn-ger one chose..............

like it matters...

2010-02-25T00:10:00.002Z

So while we wait patiently for election fever (which may never come given how horrifically dull all the candidates are) the sordid tales of sexual favours for votes, violence in the polling booths and the obligatory reporting of Hack Attack to the Rewinding Officer, we couldn't help noticing that the wannaBeavers had some elections.

The only wins to tickle our fancy were Disandolo tickets for KimKim and RhiRhi, Corporal 'Cardigans make me Wetz', and like that bad case of thrush you've never quite been able to shake, STK has dipped his wick in just about the only clean bit of LSE that was left.

And hey, if none of them leave your pulse racing, there's always standard Shoreditch Dandy Thorpe to get you going.

It must be my birthday or something...

2010-02-23T03:07:00.002Z

Fadhil Bakeer-Markar (for it is he) took a few moments out from 'reclaiming the union' to put his nomination form in for Welfare & Community. Only, he didn't. He got someone else to, pretended it was him & got disqualified. Or something.

Anyway, who cares. The important thing is - he's not running! Praised be the day.

Un-Lok-Ing barriers, to shame.

2010-02-18T20:55:00.003Z

Oh dear, today we lament a great loss to the LSESU.

Nadeem Saumtally, Beaker, you've been known by many names, but today you've had to pass on your title of 'Disgraced Former Chair of C&S'.

If you feel you need any form of guidance, bereavement counselling, etc, Hack Attack is, as always, here to help.

Overheard at LSE

2010-02-15T23:35:00.002Z

Which Flabbatical was so outraged at a former conquest's refusal to jump on the newspaper burning bandwagon that he just couldn't keep his bruce banner impression under wraps? (well from her facebook inbox at least)

Sweetie, maybe you do need a holiday. We've even picked one out for you. All expenses paid! By your salary that is.

Runners and riders...

2010-02-11T18:41:00.004Z

Electi-what? Sabba-who?

It's that time again. With the fall of Akpan-Fisher regime in sight, which 'ordinary' students think £28k is a fair price for a year of abuse and rapid weight gain. Taking our finger off the 'Ignore Friend Request' button for a minute, we'll outline the candidates for the upcoming elections. Not the non-sabb ones, though, cos who cares?

GenSex
Charlotte 'Makes-Me' Harder - "charity is great! students are great! yay! charlotte is great! yay" - sneak preview of the manifesto, there.
Rob 'Charred' Cock - 25% pay-cut, eh? He'll be regretting that in a few months! With Mr. BeerCan and STDeepend on his team, how can he lose?! (Hint: by taking their advice).

AU Sabb (Sorry, Activities and Development)
Charlie Gym - is anybody else seriously thinking about running? Seriously? I think even RON is thinking about pulling out of this one.

Minister for Social Affairs and Citizenship (MoSaC)
Hero 'Stole Cold' Austin - running on a clear 'green' ticket.
Olly 'Peter' Townsend - running on a clear 'banter' ticket.

Education, Education, Education
Andrew 'Ian' Wright - going for the 'I know more than you approach' only works if you're standing against a club promoter.
'Griff' Rhys Jones - Oh.

Not yet declared:
The Fadhil-Sheldon 'Dream Ticket'
The Token Lefty
The 'Reza 4 Caliphate Officer' Campaign

ScottWatch

2010-02-11T18:35:00.002Z

In a new feature on HackAttack, we'll be charting the progress of the our favourite Hizb-excusing, iCan-iCan't-iMaybe LGBT Officer in his abortive run for sabb.

This week, Scatt has been trying to get his manifesto together.

Wall of #fail

2010-02-11T18:23:00.002Z

Robin Low iCan Vot Yes
Shibani Mahtani but you can't spell vote, apparently?

Save Lsesu NUMBERS OF REFORMS BACK TO 3, 4 AND 9. 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349 349....yes we know this takes the piss.
Shanti Kelemen Excuse me - you ASKED me to change it back.

Ashok Kumar yo yo LSE peeps remember to VOTE NO on ref questions 3, 4, and 9: https://elections.lse.ac.uk/elections/voter/login to preserve student union autonomy and democracy.
Seth Eappen i just voted yes on all 3
Mehul Khakhkhar yeah, me too.

Discover ISoc

2010-02-11T18:04:00.004Z

Eager Beavers you are.

You're hardly our Mr. Right, but we give you props for starting the endorsement race for a position that doesn't exist yet. Beware young Padwan, your competition was fasting today in efforts to bid for their love.

2009-11-25T22:55:00.000Z

Dear Palsoc, a little more time in classes might do you good.

In line with the approaching Right to Educatin week in week 9, the LSESU Palestine Society have proposed a motion to twin LSESU with the Islamic University of Gaza, which was heavily damaged by the IDF assault on the Gaza strip at the beginning of this year and the Israeli imposed blockade, which prevents building materials and medical supplies from getting in. Come and vote and participate in the debate!

All Wright?

2009-10-28T21:26:00.002Z

STKunt is right on one count though - too many Wrights make a wrong. OK, so you wanna be a Sabb. We get it already!

Still, can't find anyone to say anything bad about Drew Warieghmore. Neither could this Attacker find anyone to say anything positive either. At last, we have found the pH 7.0 of student politics!

Is it just me or is everything a bit shit?

2009-10-28T21:12:00.002Z

Crappy Beavers, boring UGMs, sub-prime events, third-division candidates... can this year get any more dire if it tried?

But have no fear. It's been a long long summer but your sac-er-red Queen is back to challenge the hegemony of STK-line.

And what a poor imitation his Art Attack blog is, although it does at least look lovely thanks to his fuckbuddy in the Beaver office. Still, it's nice for him to have another outlet, as clearly two Beaver EdBoard positions, 464.5 jobs and a joint Masters isn't enough for the long lost Gallagher brother.

All round to Oddbods for some mandy and stella?

2009-04-12T20:01:00.002+01:00

So after pissing away all their cash on expense accounts and hummus there's just no cash left for the look at me look at me fest that is the meeedja awards.

word is that big Sanj is in the Gash office right now screaming "sell everything" right down to Gullets glasses.
Meanwhile at Pulse Fakeon and Rob 'what not to wear' Charnock are setting out a business model for a male escort service to fund proceedings while Joseph Fuck them all just sits shaking with his head in his hands calling out for his mummy.

TT wonders what rat infested wetherspoons will be hosting the event? or will it be Yates'? Quad maybe?
Still, there's those PulseDJs to look forward to. Man i love that MGMT song! maybe they'll drop some Dizzee just to mix it up?

The Dark Night

2009-03-10T10:57:00.000Z

The Penguin has gone to kill The Batman.

2009-03-06T22:25:00.001Z

I love cocks!

Those Hack Attack Awards in full...

2009-03-06T15:24:00.004Z

The Look-a-Like Award

1. Michael Deas - A homeless man
2. Chris Gully’s Hair – Like Andy Hallet
3. Helen Roberts – Vicky Pollard
4. George Wetz – Nicolas Holt
5. Aled Fisher – Lego man hair cut

Worst Slogan Award

1. Un-Lok-ing Barriers – Michael Lok
2. Your mum would vote for me. – Chris Westgarth
3. In Rob We Trust – Robin Low
4. Women not Profit – Anna kobbablahblah
5. Internationally yours – Suraj
6. Not a racist (unused) – Ben Jones

Arthur Krebbers Memorial Award for Most Shameless Act

1. Sausage – It’s Britney Bitch
2. Barton emailing the whole IR Dept. and putting his face on money
3. Emmanual and Helen – Halls Emails/Safety Booklet
4. Seph Brown brown-nosing – Brown’s Brownies

Best/Worst Pun

1. “The only Brown you can trust with you money – Brown
2. “Vote for Ruby, touch her booby!” – Ruby Buckley
3. “Let’s talk about Wetz baby, let’s talk about you & me” - Wetz

Worst Designed Campaign Material

1. Sausage’s ad-hoc posters
2. Gully’s Lol-cats

Shadiest Deal Award

1. Dan Sheldon’s fake run
2. The 'Sausage-Barton Pact'

The Steve Wall “What The Fuck” Award

1. Aled winning Jewish/Israel Soc vote
2. James Sausage
3. Halls hustings
4. B Anti-Racism – Yellow trousers, ketamine and fags.

The Andy Hallett Memorial Laziest Candidate Award

1. Alfred Kovaci
2. Joe Coney
3. Daniel Jasons
4. Emmanuel
5 Gully – For bringing out his t-shirts from the dye too quick so it looked like hippy 70’s “tie-dye”

Fittest Campaign Team

1. Wetz
2. Rub
3. Helen

Joel Kenrick Memorial Speech Of The Year Award

1. Deas – “When this School was founded in 1859…”
2. Aled – “I’m queer…” to LGBT

Comment of the Year Award

1. Ben Jones “Seph Brown was a shit Anti-Racism Officer”
2. Seph Brown “The global Ummah”
3. Wetz "Whether it’s long nights inside the Beaver…” (with hand motion)

James Ketteringham Memorial Killjoy of the Year Award

1. Arther Lo and Prakhar – Hack Attack 2
2. Sausage (again) – general behaviour

Best Hack Attack Alias

1. Peter Fart-on/Mass-debater/Peter Bar-tab
2. Sephillis
3. Eh-man-you-well?
4. Ossie Fuckwit

Best Campaign Moment

1. None, ‘cos it was shit
2. The looks on Seph’s face when he saw the bean tin.

Worst Colour Clash

1. All those in yellow
2. All those in orange

Voters’ Turn-off award

1. “Big” Ed from Gully’s Campaign – just NO
2. Seph Brown’s fuzzy bum-fluff

The “Hack Attack Pities You” Award

1. Seph Brown – 58 crap rhymes to vote Brown
2. James Sausage

Charles "Mikey" Deas translated

2009-03-06T11:01:00.004Z

"A man who called Peter Sutherland a disgraced oil baron and Howard Davies a disgraced financial regulator just won 615 votes in the Comms race. This shows that LSE is changing. Education is not a commodity. LSE was set up as a centre for social progress. Student activism is alive.”

- Just-call-me-Mike "Easy Peasy Nice and Squeasy" Deas

What he really meant...

"I am a complete nutter. I went out of my way to make myself unelectable. I make Lenin look like Dan Sheldon. And yet still large numbers of LSE students voted for me. This shows there are a lot of other nutters at LSE, too. LSE was not set up to provide us with an education: it was clearly established to give us nutters a political platform"

- Charles Deas Esq. II, 2009
General Comrade of the Another Union Education is Possibly Not For Sale faction.

Gracious in victory

2009-03-06T10:56:00.001Z

“The best candidate won and that was me” - Suraj Pointyfacenker

Gracious in defeat

2009-03-06T10:53:00.002Z

Melons Robertos "I should have won. It’s unfair that the Sabbs are allowed to re-run, it puts them at an advantage." When asked about allegations that Ed Welfare was the dirtiest race, she “totally agrees, but I had nothing to do with it, and nor did Ruby.”

Scott "Andrew Williams II" MacDonald: “I wasn’t expecting that result. It proves ultimately that being a woman gives you an advantage. It’s a case of demographics over experience.”

Miaow.

Count night: a prediction

2009-03-05T12:47:00.005Z

That it shall descend into violence. Close counts + alcohol + the prospect of having to actually look for a job? Volatile.

The Abortion&Hugs race in particular is getting vicious, with two make-me-gag candidates in particular trading accusations of malpractice.

The malpractice in question? That, in a cunning electioneering ruse, the other candidate has darn well gone and done their job! The swine! For both are current elected peeps, and both chose the election season to start doing things that they're meant to have done all year, very visibly, around halls. C'est electioneering, non? Or simply what they were originally elected to do?

And poor Grumpy Bear ThickWit, caught in the middle of the pair of them, trying to keep them from turning violent. This Hack Attacker says away with it! Wait until they're both drunk tonight and locked in a squeaky-bum tight re-count! Hack Fight!

And don't think nobody noticed the not-quite-quiet-enough sniping remarks between GenSec candidates at the UGM today.

GrumpyBear, who can see the online votes cast, says the Sabb races are all ridiculously tight, especially the GenSec race. Fisticuffs away!

sound the trumpets strumpets

2009-03-04T00:57:00.002Z

the circus is about to begin.

but what's that we hear? Fuckwit might shut the whole thing down? Rumor has it that Mass-debater hasn't been the only one sending out those illicit emails.

Now. Some Numb-Nuts may be sent off into the dizzy world we like to call the job market before thursday night for sending out emails beginning, 'Don't tell anyone about this because it's totally against the rules lol!' to the whole of the Sporting Spartans.

ut oh. Spaghetti o's.

Reports of our demise have been greatly exaggerated...

2009-03-03T17:03:00.001Z

internet giggles a-go-go

2009-03-03T11:22:00.001Z

so smelle dodd has provided today's laugh-a-day with this little gem on Fart-on-me's wall:

Elle Dodd wrote at 00:01
what happened to the facebook rebrand? Are you being reprimanded for cheating in the election?
I do like that the photo includes the phone that we can contact you on as instructed by your status - nice!
x

come now Fart-on, cheaters never prosper.

Tip that down your Gully

2009-03-03T02:42:00.001Z

Hacks were quaking in their boots. The seasoned geeks had hopped off to Wankside for the annual freak-show, famously so rubbish that even the residents cannot be arsed to go down for free pizza.

They were not quaking because no-one was there. No, that voting malarkey and that whole pretending to give a s*** and stuff is so overrated and is a right pain.

What got the fruitcakes a little on edge was that Gully, to use a quote from a stander-by ‘absolutely pissed all over them [other candidates, of course…].’ Uh-oh. The hacky hegemony could be coming to an end. He wooed the audience with his raving rants and lived up to his lowly name by tipping alcohol down his Gully. Fishy thought he’d add to his bad smell by tipping his drink down himself- the things people will do to win a game!

Fishcake looked worn and grumbled a lot. The only thing to put a smile on his face was Barmy Barton’s quick meander off the path of trigger happy IR department emails for a moment to create a novel idea. Barmy wanted to introduce a new position of post-grad officer. Down your Gully followed suit, licking Barmy’s GenSecular area by simpering his congratulations of thinking up such a novel idea. It certainly would be a very good idea to have something as new and obvious as a post-grad officer. Rat Catcher looks forward to the part-time exec hustings. Barmy will be so pleased that his great ideas are being implemented so quickly, and he hasn’t even won yet- the LSESU is so efficient these days.

Some endorsements...

2009-03-02T10:01:00.003Z

Society endorsements are trickling through. Notably, Fishy Dildo hasn't quite done enough to piss off PalSoc, and gets the #1, while MassDebater gets #2. He has however done enough to piss off LGBT, where Barton picks up #1. Presumably because Dildo GAGGED and Barton swallowed.

is there anyone alive out there?

2009-03-01T16:34:00.004Z

seen as the strong fist of censorship has come crashing down on us it's time to reflect on some non election candidates.

This time last year HA was giggling it's way through the 'intrigues' that were FaridnButboy's dodgy Paksoc dealings. 'I'll catch you in my net Fishy' he wailed through the Quad...
Good work Butboy. You showed him.
the only one that actually bought any hilarity or electoral success was the rise and fall of Beaker to the giddy heights of disgraced c&s chair. Oh and Jamjar not knowing what the BNP was. but oh well.

I guess it was lonely at the top as there seems to be nothing but a Foreign Legion Officer candidate this year. Come on lads, let's see some wheeling and dealing. there's still time!

Beaker for Gensec!

Inter exec relations take 2

2009-03-01T11:26:00.003Z

When is negative campaigning not negative campaigning?
Apparently when you are free to comment. so let's have a little comment on the sexploits of the normally asexual election candidates

Overheard in the Quad:
Hell-on-earth sounding off to Fuckley and Cookie Monster that Eh-man's butt boy Cole 'couldn't organise a piss-up in a postgrad' Ryan is trying the old sleeping with the enemy tactics. All we have to say is eurghhh.

WE HAVE BEEN GAGGED

2009-02-28T21:28:00.003Z

Guess who's back...

2009-02-27T18:20:00.008Z

Have no fear, for the sovereign is here. I've just got back from a refreshing twelve month holiday in Scunthorpe, the only town in North Lincolnshire that can't make it through a swear filter. Had a great time, apart from the three lads I had to share the Caravan with. Welsh one was the worst!

I see that things have changed quite a bit since last year. The Pally Stain - Is Real conflict has come to an amicable conclusion, Jimmy 'Bacon' is now a serious political force and we have a whole host of excellent election candidates with well thought out and innovative policy agendas, ready to serve students. Aaaah, the winds of change have blown, just as GAGGED promised! Or perhaps that's just the effects of GAGGED eating too many of Smeldon's beans.

Is it just me, or have we reached new Lows this year? The barrel, which we have been scraping for the past few years, has now been licked out more times than a Miss LSE candidate. Hacks who, in years gone by, would have struggled to hitch a ride on the C&S ragcart are now flying Business Class all the way to Sabbsville. The barrel is now little more than a pile of wood, which would be set on fire if any LSE students could be arsed enough. Come back Faddy-Hill, all is forgiven!

Amongst the most dregworthy of this year's candidates is Benedict 'I'm a weirdo' Sarhangian, a candidate in the GAGGED 'Shit' GAGGED Memorial Officer race. A quick glance at his Facebook profile highlights his stunning intellect ('Benedict is a cunt, and cant stop copying efe, and totally in love with tom birtwhistle, who is actually a massive cunt.'), a canny knack for campaign slogans ('Yeah man, racism is whack, vote for me') and a deep commitment to the SU's equal ops policy ('About me: ask your girl'). What a charming fellow. I think he's pitching himself somewhere between a Terminator Version of GAGGED and Dizzie Rascal. Sadly he doesn't quite pull it off and ends up acting weirder than Luke SpyroTheDragon on an acid trip. Next!

Ben 'Nora' Jones said a naughty word in his speech, which caused a bit of a stir, and not just in all the girl's knickers! Truth be told, he was a little drunk during the 2PM hustings. What a lad! This Hack is definitely voting for him now for this alone. Sadly, he also spent a good 24 hours wearing mascara around School so he could explain to everyone who asked how he'd just got back from modelling at London Fashion Week. What a guy!

PARAGRAPH GAGGED

That's it for now. Complaints to su.returningofficer@lse.ac.uk please.

Bacon. Smoked.

2009-02-27T14:52:00.006Z

Like a catholic who doesn't want to get his good lady wife pregnant, Bacon has pulled out of the Treasurer race early.

Claims so far are that 'the Union's going to shit anyway, and there's not much we can do', he wants to get away from LSE, whoever wins will just be coming in to keep expensive seats warm, and he would have not taken the job if Fishy Dildo had won GenSec. Miaow.

He leaves the race for Treasurer a straight personality-off between Wetz-himself and Sephillis, and gone are the joys of agonising over 2nd preference votes. Boo.

(Facebook group members update: Sephillis 64; Wetz-himself 94. Surely only a matter of time before MORI start using this)

Fistings

2009-02-27T08:16:00.008Z

Yesterday saw that time of year when all the future flabbaticals get on their knees in the Old Theatre and fellate the hacks and meeeeeeeeedja whores to the tune of 'love me, love me, I care' snore.
Yes my friends I'm talking about Fistings.

Gen Sex
Fishy started stuff off. nothing new there: blah blah fix the union blah blah why does my hair look like a lego mans?
Piss Gully apparently plays football. Knows nothing about the union or being Fuhrer.
Fart-on-me used his stellar mass debating skills to send everyone in the audience to sleep. After rimming Aled for a year no one knows why he's standing apart from that the job attracts douchebags.

Verdict: the Gay-you will come out in force but Fishy will clinch one more year. Mass debater will become disgraced military and end up in an asylum cursing the name Piss Gully.

Penny Pincher
Sephilis looks like a trumped up wank stain. Palestine, Politics, Penis he cried. Oh wait, he just said we need to spend some money. No shit Sherlock.
Wetshimself has 57 policies but the AU aint one. I guess Do-my-cunt was one beaver he didn't spend a long night in.
Not quite Kevin Sausage used it as an opportunity to say 'My name is James and I cannot stand up to MassDebater. Oh yeah and Fishy is a dick'

Verdict: Sheldog Jnr. will jizz all over them

Tissue Dispenser
Fuckley said she's fit and Eh-Man is shit. Tittie Tweaker would appreciate more tits please.
Eh-Man stuttered, he floundered, he had planted questions. Over managed campaign me thinks.
Melons shouldn't have fired Hallett from the Campaign team as she sadly did not have her baps out.

Verdict: too close to call, they're all a bit crap.

Great indoctrinator
Daniel 'Del-Boy' Jason. Three words. Who are ya?
Shorty got Low upset the hacks with the prospect that someone from the dark side could penetrate their inner circle but is essentially shit.
Sleazy Peas might as well have read out the communist manifesto. It would have been Kenrick-Lite if he'd bothered to mention the job.

Verdict: The Balcony bulldogs will chew Sleazy up and crown their new king.

maybe he was the one who plays football. if anyone knows the difference between Piss and Shorty answers on a postcard.

Part time arse kissers
not worth mentioning. Apart from Tom Jones doing something never seen before on the hacky stages. he told he truth.
Predictions: another fit bi girl for lgbt then rag victories all round for Wrong and Jones.

naughty naughty

2009-02-27T00:44:00.004Z

Woopsie! Looks like Eh-Man-You-Oh-Well has been a very naughty boy.

The new facebook rules may have us all clicking 'delete hack' sorry 'friend' quicker than bacon jumped the gensec ship, but it was Eh-Man who prematurely came all over the internet.

As if the continuous status updates saying that he's doing his job aren't enough, he made some group early which got Fuckwit in a right tizz and as we speak he's being bent over his new desk while Ossie gives him the cane.
In fact I can almost hear him scream 'HARDER HARDER'

Wannabes for flabb camp? Too late Buster! The nominations are....

2009-02-24T02:16:00.006Z

So now you know why those social misfits and freaks that normally dive into the library shelving at the sight of you have suddenly been cheerily waving at you and shoving their sweaty palms against yours. Yes, if these symptoms sound familiar to you, take a look at the list. They on there? You probably don’t even know their name but rest assured they know yours and will get more desperate in your company as the days go on.

Nominations are in and a cute little fly on the wall has informed me of the list of people willing to gain twice their original bodyweight by doing a mundane job for the next year, while pretending to give a shit about our sad pathetic lives.

Gen Sec/ Fuhrer/ egotistical dickhead of the year honorary studentship

The Dilhole is back for more Fishy action where he vows to keep by his word. Like saying he was never going to flabb it up just over a year ago….and putting his heart into the Hamas cause (or Occupying cause, it is all so ironic and complicated nowadays)…how things change *sigh*.

Man of the people ‘Pete’ is trying to Dave Cameron himself up by taking valuable time from MassDebating and smiling at the plebs. Cushy job obviously not working out, he has taken the big step of licking the arses of students.

And then we have Chris ‘I work in the Tuns so must be fit’ Gully and Alfred ‘who the f**k’ Kovaci. The hacks are seething in their boots- why have these people got the temerity to stick their little dicks into the festival of Fuhrer fun. Britters-but-Shitters Beercan is now crying into his stained pink top and fondling his fake boobs to keep him happy. For he rubbed his genital areas and bared his beer-belly for the chance to whore himself for Fuhrer before chickening out. Who do these nobodies and, God forbid, normal students who still have an ounce of dignity think they are?

Treasurer;

Britters-but-Shitters Bacon has screeched into the Chancellor race last minute, barely having time to rip off his skirt and think about the sex appeal of digits. Obviously decided that he was too much of a serious candidate for GenSec, he thought he’d chill out a bit on that really fun and relaxed role of Treasurer. RC definitely looks for gyrating ability in his/her Moneyman.

Wetz Himself, on the other hand, has recovered from being gunked by FestyFuckley and Sephilis and is planning on charming his way into the Chancellor’s seat. The PissingPuppet for the Ali-Schmoozy’s evil plans, is the latest Medja Whore to lick the crevices of the student body.

And finally there is Sephilis, the Occupier who suspects that chilling in the Hub may be a little more comfortable than the festering chewing-gum infested interior of the Old Theatre. However stinky the Dilhole may be, it cannot be as bad a seeing Alan le ‘Devil first thing in the morning. And certainly, his ability to reproduce himself into up to four people on a good day to ‘attend’ simultaneous events on facebook shows real effort on his part to whore it up with ALL kinds of people.

Edwelfare;

No big surprises here. Apart from lack of cock.

Fuckley has gone joined HELLon Earth, Saddy KiddingMe, Eh-man-you-well and some randomer named Katy Prickhead for the TissueDispensing Flabb. Hurrah. Some real tits at last. Eh-man, that includes you. Beer-can, eat your heart out, the flabb effect is yet to come your way.

Comms;

The chance to miscommunicate couldn’t be further from thrillykins. Sleazy Deas has, shock of all shocks, declared. Rat Catcher is still recovering from the news.

Oddbod’s done a runner leaving Rob Low and some Dan Jason to contend with the sleaze. One word of warning. Never trust anyone with two first names. Allegedly (libel check complete!).

Panning for gold

2009-02-22T10:57:00.002Z

Nominations close at 5pm on Monday, and this weekend sees the final shakedown of all that Union detritus, and the little flecks of gold emerging from the swill.

Latest rumours circulating about the place? Mass-Debater is causing quite a panic amongst those candidates already declared who see him as the Scupperus Ex Machina, avec bouffant, sans baggage, and with a halo of integrity surrounding him. This Hack Attacker has also heard unconfirmed rumours he can walk on water, turn water into wine, and once managed to make an Iceland pack of Vol au vents go a really long way at a party. Anyway, depending on who you listen to, he's either declared already, is thinking about it, or has decided against it. And he's going for Treasurer or Gen Sec, probably. Like I say, panic spreads wild rumours...

Eh-Man-You-Well? has also started to worry a little now that he has more than just Not-A-Chance-In-Hel-en and Fuckley to run against. Apparently running against a genuine opposition won't be as easy as last year's race, where RON tried, but ultimately went a bit Steve Wall...

And Oddbod ain't running (yet). After all that hard work this past year!

(Meanwhile, the Flabbs realise that now they've moved into an office with windows in the Quad, everyone can see just how much time they spend sitting around doing nothing...)

Bacon's Campaign Begins...

2009-02-19T16:20:00.002Z

In the modern marketing world virals are king. With that in mind, the sizzling one has made an early move in his campaign for Gen Sec with the cover story that its all for charidee. Those of a nervous disposition or with any existing heart condition might be advised to look away now...

Give us your fucking votes... er... money

2009-02-16T16:09:00.003Z

Ah Facebook, such glorious diversion. And fertile ground for those of us wishing to see what our favourite election candidates to be are up to...

We see Aled rediscovering his left-wing roots. Aled, who refuses to stand for the national anthem (the swine), yet falls to his knees before the Queen and Prince Philip, awfully 'spectful like ma'am, doff my cap to 'em, gawd bless 'er. Who, despite promising 'a campaigning Union' last election, despite being long-standing supporter of the Palestinian cause, passed on the opportunity for genuine campaigning when the occupation came round. But never fear, he's back in the fold now, with a great big Palestine ribbon for his profile picture, and status updates loudly proclaiming how much money he's raised for Medical Aid for Palestine, and how modest his 'part' is. Haha. Full marks should also go to Sephallis Brown, who also gets a great big MAP status, photos of him fundraising etc. ad nauseum. Just who those block voters (because we all know Pal/ISoc are just mindless drones right?) go for remains to be seen...

We see ShelBod attending a great slew of events, and probably spending a lot of time with HellOn Earth (Or 'Melons' Roberts as she apparently calls herself) for the next week or so. Not sure who that's worse for, but if there's any justice in the world they'll end up making babies live on air for the PuLSE RAGathon. It's for fucking charity guys! Come on! If you don't have sex, it'll mean they both hate charity. (Please continue this sort of peer pressure at your own discretion)

In fact, sweet Jesus, if we go through all the other candidates to be, we realise RAG week is destined to be one great big Hack clusterfuck of bitching, backstabbing and palm-pressing. It's all about face time right?

This particular writer has nothing (much) against charity, but doesn't the whole thing just feel a bit sordid when it just becomes a platform for desperate publicity seeking? Where, for example, is Ben 'that tall hairy guy who stands up at the UGM and talks every week' Jones? Another victim (cf Emma Fischer) along the path of Hackery?

A Play, In One Act

2009-02-13T07:42:00.002Z

The scene: The UGM, the typical rabble present.

Enter a shambling man, bald save for a frosted trim of downy white, his pixie ears lacking their usual impish vim; he feels every one of his long years in his bones, and in his soul; the gathered throng's morbid dirge that greets him grinds in his ears, mocking his lost youth, taunting the flight of his sprightly vigour. HOWARD DAVIES (for it is he) speaks:

I am here to bore you. I made a bit of a tit of myself last time, but no more. No. I shall speak. Slowly... haltingly... in a drone so fiercely dull... that... oh christ... I might just end it all here... School... too big... too many... kids everywhere, damn them... being all young... so no more of them... League tables are rubbish, wrong sort of weighting... except for the ones that aren't... which conveniently are the one's we're good at... and the one's we do ourselves... which is nice... being mean to each other is mean... dialogue free speech Janet Hartley cor blimey I definitely... wouldn't want anyone to feel... unhappy... Thank you

AU wag: Marry me Howard!

HD: See how they mock me! I was young and virile like them once! How the blood coarsed through my veins when in pursuit of some young filly! Oh, the tales I could tell from my McKinsey days!

The new US cohort downsatirs: Staplers! Hole Punches! Yah boo sucks to Hamas!

HD: To think, it's come to this. In my glory days... ah... back at the FSA. You know I addressed a dinner at the London Metal Exchange once? Made a cracking joke about 'backwardation towards the bar'... these loss-making (oops, there I go again) parasites wouldn't know backwardation from their backsides.

AU whinger: Blah blah whinge everyone's mean to me...

HD: Christ. This is a low. Thank God for that swift brandy (or three!) I had beforehand... Sorry. I shall let Andy Farrell deal with it all...

Exit (Terminal).

Later, the wake is ruined by the Hacks and The Beaver going toe to toe over who is allowed to use James Sausage for their own ends the most...

You wan' eggs wiv'at?

2009-02-13T00:10:00.003Z

Electioneering? never!!!!

If you haven't been invited already, perhaps you should join (and sponsor) the Pulse Radio! Ragathon group a.k.a. Bacon does breakfast. This year, the event (where a number of Medja Whores choose to spend a whole week on campus broadcasting "quality radio" in the name of 'charity'/an excuse not to go to lessons/beering "it" up/getting prepared for Lent Term elections) is sponsored by no other than The Baconator - a company that sells student standard pork at (surprisingly high) premium prices.

Word is that a FlacidFlabb quizzed the sincerity of The Baconator's sponsorship on the Wall, only to find his comment deleted by the one, and only, admin. Twice.

The 'unsolicited' FB amendment was passed just hours ago, but this little PR stunt began before t'internet campaigning was allowed.

When is being in election time, not being in election time?

Thickwit, do you have an answer?

Bacon comes out of the closet

2009-02-12T15:28:00.003Z

That's right kids, it's official! Vote Bacon for GenSec '09!!!!

Please comment with any potential campaign slogans that you have for Mr. Bacon.

"Putting the pork back into SU politics!"

The Birds Have Flown The Nest

2009-02-11T00:27:00.002Z

The rat catcher is mourning the lack of, to put the Cookies in the Soc’s Officer’s own mouth, ‘gash’ in the upcoming Schmooze-lections. At the moment Fuckley and Hell-on Earth are the only damsels distressed enough by the Union to want to fiddle with the testosterone-filled policies the present flabs are dolling out.

As yet all other races are distinctly lacking in hackesses. Why, even Smelle’s like Dog seems to have taken her hat out of the ring and wrapped it around her beehive hair. And even that female-infested group ‘Free trips to European Capitals’ or RAG has yet to field a Charitable Charmer.

The Media Matrons overseeing the whole torrid affair have also been too busy escaping the masculine grip of the Beaver aristocracy to think about running in the dick-fest. Pulser Horny Gorny is spending too much of her time lugging dead bodies about in her ‘cello’ case and going to media whore ‘meetings’ to be persuaded onto the dark side (silly girl) . Lois Cheery would be the perfect Sabb Star as would Antonia ‘BJ- Bridget Jones’ Strachey, who gathers more respect than the whole of the Flabbatical Team put together . But by far the most competent flabb would be the serial multi-tasker Mademoiselle Goulet machine. RC pictures the scene; “SHHHAAT UUP YOU BASTEERDS!” Much more entertaining.

But why are none of these feminine firecrackers joining the game? RC watches this space….

The Money Men and Flabbatical Foreplay

2009-02-11T00:19:00.002Z

Tommy Jack-Ass, a boy from the sorry excuse for a LSE Rugby Team is planning to get off his hobby horse and address the plebs and geeks. He is joining Sephy in addressing the masses from their narrow yet very different little worlds of kicking ass. Now they are screwing their faces in orgasmic pleasure at balance sheets and numbers with more than 2 digits.

Why, Jack-Ass even entered the recesses of Thrush to lick the crevices of the Chinese votes, with a ‘peace offering’ of fortune cookies piled high. Chinawhites mourned his loss. Too bad Racy/ Anti-Racy had pipped him to the post- Rat Catcher has been tipped off by the drowning fly in the Tun’s glasses that he had had a date with the hairdresser and sported a rather oriental ‘do and outfit.

Effort rating; The BrownShitemeister; 1, Jack-Ass; 0
Votes got; about 3 (number of Chinese people prepared to risk infection at Thrush).

IN OTHER RACES, ‘Hell on Earth’ Roberts was busy scmhoozing at AU Mr LSE, with the objectification of men and encouraging boys to do nothing but wiggle their abs as allegedly being the top of her policy agenda.

Ruby ‘I can’t take a joke from a Pig and a Hare’ Fuckley is spending her time wisely by apparently not talking to the current TissueDispenser Flabbatical- good market research technique, if a little unusual.

Emmy PingPong, on the other hand has all the policy he needs. Not only has he been in a year already but exploiting his street cred and name when you’re called ‘eh-man-you-well?’ is far more of a vote pleaser. BuBum-Ching!

Beavered Erections

2009-02-04T12:21:00.002Z

We've been be so happy anticipating the implosion of the left when Brownshirt takes on the Fuhrer that we've forgotten about the even more awkward and inbred race for which manoeuvres are already taking place: the Beaver editor elections.

Now that Sleazy Deas has stormed off in a huff, we get a sneaky peak at some of the candidates as they vie to replace him as deputy to laugh-a-minute-Cotterill at Thursday's collective.

The bad news is that MutinousMoussavi, the pioneer of 'No-quote' journalism, is mobilising his 'team' of 'reporters' in the same way he did to pass a censure against the top man last term. Quite why Caspell's Useful Idiot thinks he will be able to patch things up with that loudmouth Joseph is anybody's guess. This hack calls on every student to nick that bloody Blackberry and stop the madman forever.

We're also receiving reports that mini-Bacon Damsguard will be working around the clock to help Ultimate Rennision prepare for the collective, presumably by locking him in the Beaver office and forcing him to repeat the words "I work for the Beaver, not the London Student" over and over again.

Surely Chun-Gok-Jintao deserves a crack at the job, but judging by his editorial this week he doesn't like victories so won't be trying too hard.

The rhyming couplet known as Shibani Mahtani, one of the few females to work for the Beaver this millenium, completes this boring line up.

If Rennison or BaniTani win then they'll surely be odds on favourite to take the top job at the end of the term. Whoever wins, let's hope they do something stop the Guardian libel.

LSE: Not for Snow Day

2009-02-04T10:42:00.004Z

Members of the Facebook group for socialist conspiracy LSE Not for Profit will have received an urgent update about the Glorious Revolution on Monday: THE LIBRARY IS CLOSING AT 5PM!

Presumably jealous of Oddbod's vaguely comical Facebook homages to Snow Day 2009, Mr. GenSec used just about every campaign list and group he had access to and claimed some of the fun for himself. The Not for Profit campaign, perhaps the only real challenge posed to Credit-Crunch Masterminder Davies in some time, has now become another bog-standard Union mouthpiece. Nice one Aled.

It was the second piece of bad news of the day for the anti-capitalist, pro Macbook brigade after their 'protest' to hand in their letter to our lovable Director was slewn by Snow Day itself.

Barbarous Activity Pulsates Through The Treasury

2009-02-02T00:38:00.002Z

Ego seems to have turned one power-hungry flabbatical into a raging tyrant who thinks anybody’s money is his own. M. Harassment was reportedly left flabbergasted by the Barbarous flabbatical as he swung from pillar to post at the Pulse is 10! party, as the latter seemed to be under the impression that the Pulse budget was….his.

While the other slavering Sabbs pinned their hopes on securing more money behind the bar in order to seduce the poor partygoers into signing away their vote, Barby dragged his heels. In fact many have been moaning that the Chancellor has been a mean bean- reportedly implying that the she-bang was as loss-making as the students attending it and magnanimously deciding if and how much money Pulse was to spend.

The rub? The budget isn’t his. The rat catcher dreams of the day when s/he can choose what other people do with their money. The party turned out to be a stonker- much to the surprise of the pessimistic party-pooper and money was made. Let’s hope that the Barbster is slightly better judging the budgets and successes of his own SU accounts, such as the infamous money-making scheme Crush/Fresh/Whatever, rather than sticking his fingers into Harassment’s budgetary area and poo-pooing a party twice as populated as Crush/ Flush/ Thrush.

As for the Hackery and drunken activities at said New Labour do, Rat Catcher couldn’t possibly say. S/he was definitely tucked up in bed, watching ‘Eurovision; your country needs you.’ All that can be said is that the photos tell of some rather unsuitable activity after those overworked hack’ asexual behaviour is transformed after stinging off a free bar.

The Claws are Out- the Lefties lose their Fluffiness

2009-02-01T23:53:00.005Z

So the bourgeois tea party in the Old Theatre may have come to an end (much to the regret of top honcho Seph ‘champagne socialist’ Brown). But the aftermath has left the Occupiers with a bitter taste in their mouth. Some of the filthy comrades have acquired the capacity for more than one face as rumours fly from one end of the secret meetings in the Quad to the other.

The reason? Well, they are busy wondering which puppet they will chant ‘well he’s a jolly good fellow’ to at the S-Schmooze election 2009. Hack Attack is sure Ali Moose- Savster will be getting his grimy little tentacles into the whole torrid affair.

Brownshite and Dilhole Fishy have spent most of the week with painted smiles on their faces while behind each others backs like schoolboys, they mouth off to Lefties about all the votes that they think they will secure. Too bad the Occupiers and appointed Lefties were swallowing every festering morsel and burping it back out to the other candidate.

Rumour has it that Lefties are confused, as two clones are busy trying to give each other a black eye in order for the ‘people’ to see the difference between the two. Let’s just hope that they don’t both end up with bruised faces while a terrible Tory trots past and nabs the spot, screaming ‘long live the BNP.’

Timeless Students

2009-02-01T18:50:00.004Z

That all important prize at the end of each year; every hacks dream of dreams: Honorary Studentship.

This year's bunch of Head Hack Homiez have decided to be rid of the in-house corruption that was rampant in this secret decision process. Not so secret is that there's one sole award for the Meeja Whores, and sounds like the Exec's imagination has found one lucky candidate only: Miss Horny Gorny.

Congrats to you!

Seems a bit unfair to only have one for the Media Hacks. Afterall, they've allocated 13 places for the production team of Timeless...

Wanted: returning officer, preferably one who won't quit right before the busiest bit of the year

2009-01-29T21:03:00.003Z

Panic in the streets today as Ossified Fikret, moments after announcing (the joy!) another C&S by-election nominations closed, sent the Exec, C&S and various hangers-on into a tizz by giving the impression that he no longer wanted to do the Returning Officer job.

Cue new C&S chair AliAgnethaBenniBjornAni-Frids wandering the Quad offering the position to people seemingly at random - ex-UGM chair Joe Meadway turned it down, and James Sausage didn't seem to keen to take up the post, despite having previous.

The question of course is why anyone would want to do the job - particularly since it would rule them out of running in any elections this term...

And as a note to Mr Fikret, if you do want to step down, take a leaf out of the Beancounter's book and do it via impassioned cry for Openness! Progress! Being Nice! at the UGM.

Under the radar

2009-01-28T10:31:00.003Z

The occupation may have ended, but let us please reflect on this juicy petition that some IsraeliSocs, presumably, created to remove them filthy, smelly protestors out of the Old Theatre in double-quick time.

Many people have signed it; a look down the list seems the names of Alex Rodin, Sam Cohen, and Mr Ehud "I LOVE ISRAELI APARTHEID" Olmert (from Ayreshire). Mr Olmert has quite an extreme view on the occupation of the Old Theatre. He tells us:

"I am a fucker and a racist like most of my country man cos i believe that Palestine should be Jewish and all non-Jews should be ethnically cleansed... that is what I am doing in Gaza - kill em all!"

Oh Mr Olmert, you've upset me now!

Emmanuel's Cnervative Future

2009-01-27T17:34:00.003Z

What does Edward Welfare like to do after gloriously defending a woman's right to choose?

He likes to sit down with a nice chap from Conservative Future (or 'Young Tories' in the years Before Dave) to chat about how best to get people to register to vote in the European elections, and how to defend ourselves against ID cards.

The result? The Tories won't associate with any anti-BNP campaign unless it describes the fascists as a 'far left' party. Seriously.

And lest we forget, this is Edward 'courted by the SWP at the end of last year' Welfare who's now bringing the Tories on board for the ID card campaign.

Just the sort of behaviour to get yourself re-elected...

To live, or not to live?

2009-01-27T13:46:00.002Z

Just seen on Houghton Street:

Obi Akpan getting in a tizz about the pro-lifers from HELL! (They are holding fetuses of various sizes whilst sporting full motorcycle clad after all).

Photographers and students alike are having a field day.

2009-01-18T12:43:00.003Z

As the Obama Express pulls into Washington, retracing the steps of Abraham Lincoln and breaking new ground in the field of vomit-raising mawkish imagery, and as the Old Theatre gains a certain fug in the air that really lets you know that it's been occupied for three days now, let's drag our eyes away and gawp over a few names being bandied around for Sabb elections this term...

Ed Welfare
Ruby Buckley - mooncups a-go-go from the current women's officer
Lizzie Merrow- L/G/B/T/self-defined sexuality so like well not in a lettered box so you can't define me
Helen Roberts - lost last year's residences officers' race. Whinged. Had Emma Swimming-With-The-Fischer offed. Is now residences officer. Don't cross her.
Fart-hil Barking Mad - latest rumours have him running for Ed Welfare. Apparently is all for the abortion fund, and 8/10 students said they would rather talk to him about their problems than their own mother.

Treasurer
Smelle Dodd - playing the legacy of hair card, hopes her heritage of curls carrying on from Meyer and Barber will play well with an electorate who will struggle to know who she is
Sophie De La Catessen - AU prez, newly elected to Court and Council, and presumably a shoe-in for whatever she choses to run for. So why not go for a job where you don't actually have to do anything, like

GenSec
Where, since Squeezy-Peas let it be known he wasn't running, the current Supreme Leader looks to set to run unopposed ad infinitum, or at least ad constitutionalamendmentum...

Occupation alert!!!

2009-01-15T15:44:00.003Z

If you think that Israel's occupation of Palestine is abhorrent, and that the pending military control of Gaza is wholly unacceptable, then think of how the poor LSE Security staff must be feeling that a cartel of Hamas sympathisers have occupied their Old Theatre! An initial communication from inside the battle zone reads as follows:

"Occupation in Old Theatre established in protest against LSE investment in firms that arm Israel. We will win. Please join."

Thanks for the invite...I'll pass.

Knowing exactly when they will have won is as yet unclear, however, what we do know is that it must surely be a damn sight harder to win whilst sitting down than standing. It seems they are either nobly handicapping themselves to give LSE Security a fighting chance or are simply too lazy. It is predicted this will be a staring battle of brutal attrition.

Don't expect to see too many off-target mortars in this one...

I would have had to kill you once you read the unedited version...

2009-01-14T15:12:00.005Z

That shadowy board of people (the exec minus some) responsible for the legal well-being of the Union take their job very seriously - they are, as they will insist on reminding you should you be silly enough to ask, right in the firing line should the Union fuck up enough to actually end up in court. Accordingly, they cloak themselves in secrecy, so much so that they occasionally keep things secret from each other.

And now the shadowy dealings take a step up, with a meeting scheduled and a room booked, but a special request lodged with the school that it doesn't show up on the online listing or the sheet outside the door. What could they possibly be doing in there?

Position vacant

2009-01-13T17:42:00.004Z

Now that the inevitable UGM motion pottymouthing Israel has been submitted, the pressing question is of course who will step up to the UGM chair/plate and save the Middle East? Can that guy who looks like Alan from Conferences really be the one to deliver a stable two-state solution? Will that chap who sat next to him all last term decide he can handle a roadmap better than he can take minutes? Someone must guide us through these troubled waters of secret ballots, stamps on the door and irritatingly restricted access.

Shelbod has been spinning like mad saying it'll be a damp squib, uncontested, unnecessary given motions already passed, and a cockthrobbingly narcissistic compassion wank on the part of the motion's first proposer. But then, he would say that wouldn't he.

Separated at birth...

2009-01-01T22:27:00.006Z

One is a Blackberry addicted newshound who would keep conversations with his own grandmother on the record, the other is an ovoid-headed, Minelli-wedding, Jackson-friending, closeted oddball. But whom is whom? (grammar)

'Tis a shame the post had to be pulled

2008-12-15T11:56:00.002Z

Any eagle-eyed Hack Attack readers might have noticed a disappearing post over the weekend. The flabbaticals are well touchy about a certain policy, much shouted about at election time, and now apparently top secret.

So top secret in fact, that they decided not to bother telling the Exec about it, and presented a decision to them at the meeting of Union trustees. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

It is hard to stay on meesage when you're not told what the message is, and as a result, the whole thing is leaking out of every Union orifice imaginable. Ask an Exec member if you really want to know...

In a job, out of a job

2008-12-13T11:19:00.003Z

Sounds like we're gonna have ourselves a hot n' steamy Comms. race next term.

Bush-hugging, communist beaver diver, Mikhiel Trees is lining himself up, running on a ticket of socialist propaganda. Also, ex-Fuhrer Fart-hil ill baker is attracted by the £26k again (the only people that will employ him now is SU reception) and is looking at a couple of sabb options. He'll probably be just as incompetent, tho at least he might listen to his students...

But wait a minute, SHOCK SHOCK HORROR!!!!!!!, what's that?! A codes of praccy amend to only allow sabbers in the job for ONE TERM? Surely not; it's too unfair on the economy to let those 4 lose into the job market during these rocky times...

That could really fuck up their party.

Hatin' Bacon

2008-12-10T07:39:00.001Z

So, all you dedicated Hack Attack followers, how many of you is Bacon not talking to at the moment? How many of you are getting yourself in a tizz because he might not have said hello to you in the Quad once? How many of you are convinced that his thinking that we don't need referendums is a personal attack on you? And how many of you answering yes are on the exec?

Having seen a few emails and heard a few conversations, the level of anti-Bacon solidarity on the exec is certainly impressive (stay on message guys...), but there seems a fine line between this and victimisation and bullying. I'm sure the honourable parties involved will stay on the right side of it, and that we can forget this whole petty, spiteful business after Thursday.

SOAS feminists are better than their LSE equalvents...

2008-12-03T21:07:00.002Z

...at least at creating anti-beauty pageant chants anyway.

At this year's Miss LSE - the wonderful, charity fund-raising event, where ladies who know how to have a bit of fun let their hair down and entertain a welcoming crowd - the anti-beauty contingent had these among their chants:

"Women are sex objects, object!"

"LSE not Misogamy!"

Come on guys and girls, a group of lazy, weed-smoking, hole-in-trouser wearing, poor excuses for students could do better than that. And indeed, SOAS did:

"SOAS is for education,
not for you're ejaculation!"

Quite who was thinking about ejaculating over SOAS, I don't know. But it is a rather good chant.

"Welcom to Imperial - the student experience"

2008-12-02T11:51:00.002Z

Apparently Imperial's student experience is the same as a Channel 4 'Schools' TV programme from the 90s...

Innocent, until proven innocent

2008-11-29T18:22:00.004Z

Big up yourself Prakhar B! Respect for sortin' all the HA Massiv with a bangin' welcome message to ya Inns ov Court website!!!

Tip: Next time you try and make it look like a hacker got deep inside your data stream and set up loving notes to all our viewers and then plead naivety and innocence, do it properly, yea?

Safe.

We should all read the Constitution more

2008-11-28T13:36:00.002Z

Here's a little snippet of the Constitution...

"12. Amendments

[Constiution amendments cut]

12.2 To the Codes of Practice

12.2.1 Any amendment to Codes of Practice shall be given at least three weeks public notice in term time and shall require the assent of at least two-thirds majority of the members present and voting at a quorate General Meeting of the Union
." (emphasis added)

So, it would seem the AU wag who called quoracy yesterday was indeed drawing our naive eyes towards the light, and showing us the error of our procedure.

It clearly means that all this Exec stropping that has been going on because people insist on calling for inquoracy counts is misdirected. The Codes of Practice change to allow referenda cannot pass if they're aren't 150 people in the UGM. Best get to work shepherding people in then boys.

On another point, Aled might not been quite so wrong in saying that we could debate the motion in the 4th week, given that it only needs 'at least three weeks public notice'. But then the Codes of Practice say those motions need 4... Who knows, and who really cares?

A question...

2008-11-28T08:23:00.003Z

When is an inquorate meeting not inquorate?

When they decide afterwards that it was suspended because of paper throwing before the inquracy call, thereby saving all that had gone before in yesterday's UGM.

Nimble footed constitutional hops from Kev there, but, you know, there might be a problem with that not actually being what happened? What we need is some sort of recording of this public meeting, rather than having to rely on the minutes taken. I would never go so far as to suggest that the current powers are conniving enough to undertake Stalinist rewritings of history, but the current powers are conniving enough to undertake Stalinist rewritings of history, and I wouldn't really trust the minutes.

Any media man happen to get it on record? Care to share?

Babes, was it something we said?

2008-11-24T14:55:00.003Z

"So. You came to our website after reading Hack Attack. No use lying to me, your computer just betrayed to me the websites you've been to recently. If you seriously read and believe every piece of shit that's posted there, you need to have your head examined. Now why don't you just nip back and join the rest of the SU assholes?"

"Oh, and if you happen to be the total cocksucker who thought it'd be cool to whinge to the SU about 'technicalities', please accept our sincere FUCK YOU, and keep your dirty nose out of where it doesn't belong. Rest assured, we will deal with you"

At least we're not at King's...

2008-11-21T17:09:00.003Z

So yeah, Aled might swear on Pulse, but at least we don't have to sack him for being a gosh darned awful racist...

Potty pouty mouth

2008-11-21T12:58:00.002Z

What could have riled the Führer so much that he was reduced to effing and blinding on the State of the Union show on Pulse today?

Was he still bitter over his failure at the UGM yesterday, even after he had thrown a little strop, and (dubiously) claimed to be able to count to four?

Was he tired of having to step in to break up the handbags between Beancounter and Blackberry Moussavi, each accusing the other of shouting in the UGM (the horror)?

Or was it being told on air that his power is nothing without a bunch of pissheads at the Real Ale society?

National Union of Shit-sticks

2008-11-20T12:10:00.000Z

Last week six happy hacks went to Wolverhampton to NUselesS Conference for a day-long constitutional wankfest. At the Union's expense (natch), they traveled to the glamorous Midlands. And for what? Three of them voted in favour, the other three against. So, they might as well have
stayed at home (or at work, in some cases!). The most mysterious bit of the day was Faddy-Barking-Mader's arm, which seemed to have a mind of its own: voting for proposals he has been opposed to for many moons!

Vom-tastic!

2008-11-20T12:06:00.002Z

Which Sabb threw up in his office earlier today? Apparently he read Kevin's letter (below) and couldn't hold back. Still, makes a change from the kind of bodily fluid that has graced that particular office in previous years...

Oslo Accords: Take II

2008-11-20T12:02:00.003Z

Where the Bill Clinton failed, one man is attempting the impossible: to bring love and unity to the Middle East, to spread peace where there was war and to fulfil his dream of little Palestinian children playing side by side with little Israeli children. That man, ladies and gentlemen, is
Joseph Brown (or 'Seth', if you're an poorly briefed London Student journalist). Never mind that little wearing-Keffiahs-and-being-on-the-PalSoc-Committee business, Seph Stalin is The Chosen One.

Indeed, Seph's Israeli 'outreach' doesn't stop at arranging joint events, or "setting up the [Houghton] Street" single-handedly. Oh, no no no no no! He's also been spending an incredible amount of time with Israel Society, supping on the Zionists' wine and 'palling around' with the committee. So, just why is our famed Anti-Racism Officer spending so much of his social time with the NME? Could it be a genuine desire to spread his reconciliation, or is there another reason? Whatever the case, Seph 'Shit' Brown seems to get on with them better than his own
PalSoc committee...

Miss LS-Peeved

2008-11-10T01:08:00.004Z

If you want to know how to wind-up Emmanuel "cum-into-my-office-I've-got-plenty-of-condoms" Anki-Panky, then ask the female bar-worker (who Hack Attack loves for the true person she really is, and not at all because of her exterior appearence) who worked at AfterSkool on Saturday.

Whilst she was chatting up one of his friends from da east-end massiv, they paused for a moment on the topic of the upcoming Miss LSE (Hack Attack does not endorse this disgusting, misogynistic event that sees beauty as only skin deep). The conversation unearthed that Anki-Panky has not been having much of what's in his name lately, and the bar person joked that perhaps Miss LSE was the perfect opportunity for Head-Welfare to get some. Maybe he's been being such a leaflet fascist (ripping them from the Tuns, Quad, behind the bars and posters to boot) that he doth profess to much at his disdain for the sexy, gorgeous parade?

When Crew Member 1 tells his bru of of this jest, Em rushes to the bar worker and unleashes a hell-like rage upon her, threatens to plague her eyelashes with hair-eating locusts and boasts that seeing as he is her boss she should watch what comes our of her filthy, heathen mouth, or else...

The poor lass won't leave the house now, and instead spends her days watching Sex in the City, painting her nails and applying an unhealthy amount of fake tan. Where's the Welfare in that?

Overheard after the UGM...

2008-11-07T15:33:00.009Z

Word reaches us that the inimitable dulcet tones of Ali 'Barack ain't got nothing on me' Moussavi were heard eminating from the Pulse studio and ringing out down the Media Group corridor yesterday proclaiming...

'Aled's a mate, but he is a power hungry piece of shit isn't he?'

And then something less audible about calling members of some pointless committee into his office for a good disciplining. Dear, oh dear Styling Mousse. If you felt it necessary to bitch about him to a room full of boring radio nerds he can't be much that of a mate can he? Maybe keep the volume down next time, eh?

Go on boy, roll over...

2008-11-07T13:51:00.002Z

Howie Dizzle didn't exactly woo the UGM yesterday, after refusing to even believe that there was any problem between police and students at the NAB opening, refusing to give any ground over the nursery, refusing to accept any responsibility for the credit crunch what he caused, refusing to believe the afternoon started after noon each day, and (a little bizzarely) taking time to have a quick jog about the place. He came across as a senile, pointy-eared, whinging, stroppy scrotum, and found his charm didn't wash with students quite as easily as it had in the past. People are getting frustrated with him, and rightly so.

So, you might question why Gashley Tang, re-elected Court of Governors representative, chose that moment to stand up, introduce himself to his baffled public, and declare he had absolutely no politcs whatsoever. Good work. Just when we need some loud voices about the place to remind the decision makers in the school that the Nursery has more than enough value to justify a £6000 per place (Papa Davies' figure yesterday), we manage to re-elect someone who proudly declares himself to have no opinions.

He has of course been re-elected. His performance at Court last year has been described as 'mute' and 'fucking useless'. So that's all good then isn't it.

So here's to Gashley Tang's second term on Court, may he be the loudest blank-face mute sitting around that table this year.

(Pseudonymed @ 21:23, 11/11/08)

'I'll stab up up yea blud...'

2008-11-01T15:37:00.002Z

Odd-Bod Dan Smeldon was mugged at knife point last night, whilst wandering around lost looking for a Halloween party that would let him in.

Apparently, two hooded black yoots started walking towards him, at which point Smelly-dong ran away like a tubby, little girl screaming 'Help!' at the top of his voice. Obviously, no one came to help, so when the yoots eventually caught him up (which didn't take long as he's hardly Linford Christie) they kicked him in the leg and gave him a little cut above the eye with a butter knife. He refused to give them his iPhone, but said that they could take his female housemate, next to him at the time. The yoots declined.

When he did get to the party, everyone thought he had the best costume there. 'The blood looked really realistic,' they thought.

Go ye to the sacred land

2008-10-31T01:19:00.003Z

Odd-bod Sheldon is off to the Holy Land on an all expenses free trip to see for himself how wonderful the world is for all the sweet Palestinians living under Israeli occupation.

As part of his tour package, he is being given a guided tour of the West Bank and will be meeting fully free, and nourished non-Jewish school children who (he shall be told) have access to insignificant things like human rights, national self-determination and an education.

If only Sheik Zayed was about...he'd help them out.

Raining fire, four horsemen, wailing and gnashing of teeth, and illicit emails

2008-10-30T10:21:00.004Z

So MT elections are never quite the shouty carnival fun-fest of the Lent term, mainly because nobody really cares that much...

But it still won't stop people resorting to dirty, low-down underhand evil-doing and SENDING OUT MORE THAN 20 EMAILS!!! The baby Jesus wept at less than that! Brand and Ross can have their jobs back, because a friend of one of the Court of Governors candidates sent 120 emails asking people to vote for his man! If this isn't one of the signs of the apocalypse, then I'm giving up my subscription to The Watchtower.

Anyway, Andrew "Apprently he's really nice" Wright has been taken off the street for two hours, with Ol' Grumpy Bear Ossie telling him that he'll have to stay by his side for the time. Don't go easy on him - send him to the naughty step!

The Detect-o-philes

2008-10-30T00:56:00.005Z

It's not New Yoik, and there are no gangstars clutching Tommy guns...

And yet there's a sleuth out there, looking to put behind bars ever last mother-fucka that dares mess with Miss. Constitution or Don Rationalitie.

His name, Detective Smokey. His mission, to secretly record C&S meetings in the vein hope that something remotely exciting might happen.

In last week's episode, the Detective taped the Don Fishio with his trusty dictaphone, telling a Cup-Full-of-Incompetance to step down, or else.

'Or else what, chump?'

'Or else I'll make all of your C&S gangster buddies tell you to too.'

'O yeah? Or else what, big shot?'

'Or else every last mother-fucka is gonna get 'no confidenced' at the UGM this week'

'Yikes!'

Stay tuned, for this week's episode of...the UGM...

Dum, dum dum dum, der-der dum-dum...

2008-10-29T20:19:00.004Z

(That's the baseline to 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' if you didn't get it...)

But apparently beef will be hitting the fan at the UGM tomorrow, with no-confidences a go-go directed towards Chair-Of-UGM-And-Nameless-Election-Candidate, and C&S...

The Terribly Reasonable One apparently dabbles about in online smuggery on a self-important Hack Attack rip-off, along with two chums who also happen to be election candidates. And somebody is out to out them, which is nice. The boring constitutional question is whether they breach electoral rules yaddah yaddah. The more interesting bit is watching Monsieur Chair be, look guys, terribly, guys, reasonable about the whole thing, guys.

And why pick on poor C&S? Whispers are that poor Beaker has had an ultimatum from GenSec telling him to stand down, or face another vote of no confidence at the UGM. We asked hishonorable self for a quote, but he batted us away with a stern brace of high pitched squawks.

Well that should all be fun...

Naughty, naughty muppet...

2008-10-28T00:17:00.002Z

Beaker Saumtally-ho is a right heavy-weight.

Not content with being the single most incompetent human being to ever reign over C&S (and that is reeeeealy saying something) he's decided to muscle in on the elections and make a few people stand down.

The funny thing is, is that as he stupidly pressurised one wonderful candidate into stepping down using his own telephone to do it!

The conversation between the candidate on his phone and the Returning Officer went something like this:

'Hi Ossie, I'd like to step down please.'

'Isn't this Nadeem's number?!'

'No...'

'Well, it is, because it says so on my phone.'

'Well, whatever you think Ossie, Nadeem is definitely, definitely not standing right next to me telling me that I have to stand down otherwise my life is going to be hell for the next couple of years.'

'I definitely believe you. Fine.'

And that is the tale of how nincompoop Nadeem 'Beaker' Saumtally bossed people into standing down from democratically elected electable elections.

Muppet.

Bacon pulls out early

2008-10-27T08:23:00.002Z

Because the Pope told him to? Unlikely.

But whatever, he's withdrawn from the Court of Governors election.

Open to any explanations...

Dan Sheldon can't ride a bike!

2008-10-24T00:33:00.002+01:00

Everyone else could when they were 5...

Apart from the late Daniel Dolan, ex-Pulse Radio Fuhrer, who, after a weeks worth of lessons, still looked like a couple of fat kids on a see-saw.

Seriously.

Elections

2008-10-23T08:38:00.005+01:00

I love the smell of desperate self-promotion in the morning. The Michaelmas Term elections are always good for spotting a few names of next term's GenSec candidates. For example, Helen "Didn't Lose Residences Even Though She Did" Roberts is running for Residences Officer, Court of Governors and Academic Board - either she's genuinely dedicated to improving the student experience in all aspects of life at School; or, she's realised that she might need to bolster her HackCV if she's running for a sabb position this year, as 'Repeatedly resigned from C&S' doesn't really cut the mustard...

Other repeat nominations, which you can RON away to your heart's content are Prakhar Bahuguna (???) and K-Hole "No I'm not Alan from Conferences, or that racist guy from King's" . They clearly think both a dossy jobs which will take up little time but give them a shiny title on their CV. RON RON RON.

And looking down the list of candidates who've put themselves forward for positions this term, a few names stand out. Like don't those Sheldon and Akpan-Inwang chaps do something around these parts? Don't we pay them for something or other? Ah yes, that's right, we pay them to go up to the Annual LabourStudent Piss Up and Wank Fest that is NUS conference, where they can have their tummies tickled by some New Labour wonk, and so decide that top-up fees won't be such a bad thing after all.

And do they really need to sit on the Court of Governors? GenSec already goes along to that to represent the Union, other students sit on it to represent those that aren't held sway by ego-hacks. Either EA-I and DS feel that Aled won't do a good enough job, and they need to check up on him, or, as previously posted, they're coming down with a nasty bout of Baconitits. (was going to edit this typo, but I like the thought of Bacony-tits)

And one last thing, why wasn't Barber Beancounter included in the fun?

Baconitis II

2008-10-22T23:45:00.002+01:00

*BEWARE*

Odd-bod Smeldon and E-to-the-A-to-the-I-Wop-Kizzle are infected with baconitis!!!

The only way to cure it is to vote RON.

For a full definition, see below.

Baconitis

2008-10-22T23:29:00.002+01:00

Have you got your vaccination?!

It's spreading throughout the Union. That's right, it's an epidemic of Baconitis!

This disease will make you want to run for any and every elected position you can in the SU, and if you don't get elected to great societies like LARA, you compulsively meddle in every other bit of bureaucracy and begin shitting out constitutions like rubber bullets. But the worst symptom of all is that you feel compelled to sit in on every C&S meeting because you think you're in love with Nadeem's voice and leadership skillz.

If you see anyone acting this way you can be sure they are infected, so probs best not to touch them.

United Nincompoops

2008-10-22T23:15:00.000+01:00

Marco, everyone's favourite Brazilian schmoozer who will stop at nothing to one day rule the world. If you don't know who he is you'll be able to tell because he's probably got his networking chops clamped firmly to some poor girl's face. As the President of the United Nincompoops at LSESU, he thought at the AGM it would be a good idea to endorse one of the candidates for Treasurer in his speech. Obviously, this voided the election.

If this is an insight into the future muppets who want to be in positions of power in our world, I despair...

Flabbalicious

2008-10-18T18:04:00.003+01:00

In an official Pulse Radio interview, Aled has stated that Dan is his favourite Sabb because "he's doing stuff at the moment". We can presume that Dan will stop "doing stuff" in the fairly near future. His least favourite is Emmanuel, simply because he weighs 176 kilos more than any of the others. Fattist.

Incidentally, Dan and Aled are the same weight, even though Dan is about 4 foot the shorter. This goes against the normal rules of physics, but was made possible because Sheldo scrapped the old rules and wrote a new set of protocols and a codes of practice to allow a normally unsafe, dense build-up of materials in his abdomen.

They don't call him Odd-Bod for nothing...

Porky's Pies

2008-10-12T22:45:00.004+01:00

Someone's got to have their pants on fire.

Our great leader, Cardinal Carp, says The School has agreed to give us a juicy, shiny, big new Union building.

LSE Massive's Andy F says they haven't. Either they aren't to build because they want students to stay living in the East grot-hole, or they're going to be a little short of cash due to the meltdown that Director Davies helped to happen.

Someone's telling porkies...

Hallet on the dole

2008-10-12T22:40:00.002+01:00

Will anyone employ The Baron? Now his dodgy SU employment is over he'll either have to get a job in the employment minefield created by the 'Great Crunch' or go on the dole.

Unless the powers that be choose to employ him permanently to haunt out Union?

No one else should bother to apply - you won't get the job unless you know the 'bosses' anyway...

We're in the London Student this week

2008-10-12T22:35:00.002+01:00

So check it out y'all.

The reporter thinks we're shit now. Well maybe they're shit, and just trying to cover it up by saying other, equally credible, news reporters - like us - are shit.

What a shit.

Direct quote from Hack Attack II...

2008-10-06T18:13:00.002+01:00

'Nadeem was quickly fingered...'

If anyone knows who did this, please let us know.

Each to his own, I suppose...

The Holy Land

2008-10-01T11:37:00.005+01:00

Some 'white boy from Essex' wants to become Sheik of PalSoc.

May Allah be on your side Sir. You may well need some irrational faith to aid you in your quest.

Gonna miss me?

2008-10-01T11:26:00.005+01:00

Some of you are probably already thinking about buying your farewell gifts, writing sweet notes and baking bye-bye brownies to say thank you to this year's Awesome Foursome for the wonderful achievements that they will possibly make this year.

Hold on a moment...

Sounds like they are all going to stay on for another year.

Bugger.

LSESU grad. scheme

2008-09-27T00:04:00.003+01:00

Have you left university recently and found yourself unemployed because you forgot that in the real world you need a job?

Never fear, the LSESU is here to help!

Baron Andrew Hallibut XXIV is on a two week placement learning how to teach master's students how to fill in an Oyster student discount form. Reports say he has never been seen happier talking to the working classes.

And if you couldn't get a job elsewhere this year but are still in education, the SU has that covered too!

The chumps hired Fart-hil and BeerCan in a rather shady, streamlined recruitment selection process.

Send all applications to The Head Fisherman. No need to wait for vacancies; an over-paid position will be created for you.

Hiya!

2008-09-26T23:40:00.004+01:00

To those who missed not being able to function for the spine-shivering anticipation that these notes bought you, this Hack-a-soppy-pup missed you too. Not out of affection, but for the warm, daily glow your errors bought to scores about campus.

To those who are new about town, stick about. It's gonna be super fun!

And to those cheap, copy-cat bastards who thought they'd take it upon themselves to build 'Hack Attack 2' in this Hack-a-siesta's absence: Jesus has a message for you downstairs. Hack Attack doubts very much that your weblog will be "more subtle and more well-written" based upon your so far feeble attempts of using a keyboard. Good luck in "presenting humourous satirical without descending into childish name calling." This Hack-a-buildo is not in the business of having his 'mistakes' pointed out by a quality of tongue so low.

Learn how to write, yea?

Guess who's back?

2008-09-21T01:10:00.001+01:00